Andrew

A New Year

2011-12-31T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's the end of 2011. I've only written resolutions 2 or 3 times before. I thought it'd be fun to reflect on the year and write up a couple resolutions here.

Reflection:

2011 was a bit of an emotionally roller coaster and I have to say I'm happy it's about over. Obviously the biggest emotional thing to happen was the end of my relationship with Jordan. That was rough for both of us. It's still hard because we see each other at least once a week. A couple times during the year his family came to visit and it was really nice to spend the time with them. He has nice parents and a sweet sister. I have to say, he's a good man and I wish him the best.

However, there have been other areas that have been positive. I'm really happy with how school is turning out. I'm simply loving the program at SeattleU. I also am appreciative of the students in my cohort. They are a good group of gals (yes, I'm the only guy).

I finally finished the under cabinet lights in my condo. Yay! I just have a little more painting to do and maybe a couple other little things I can do, and then the remodel is done. It's been coming on 3 years, so it's a good thing. It went from this:

to this:

I'm happy I looked through the photos for my condo remodel. In looking at some of the work that I did by myself (many people helped me, paid and unpaid) I am reminded of the heart that went into the remodel. I am reminded of the fear that I had when I bought this place and wasn't sure if I could turn it from a dump that smelled like a man died in there (which a man actually did) and finding drug paraphernalia scattered about to the home that it now is. I'm also reminded of the appreciation I have for the fact that I can own this place and fix it up how I want it. That's something I really am thankful for.

This year I probably did the most volunteering that I have ever done in my life. No, not probably, I definitely did. In fact, there was a moment about a month or two ago that I was completely overwhelmed and had to cut back. While I am happy that I am finding a healthy balance, I'm happier that I have found some good organizations to give back with my time. The organizations I volunteered at are the Crisis Clinic, Multifaith, Evergreen AIDS Foundation, Lifelong AIDS Alliance, Seattle U (Counselor's for Social Justice and the Graduate Student Council) and on the board of my condo building.

This year I also had more of a focus on my family and spending more time with them. I am happy I have been able to spend more time with Jenny, the girls, my mom and step dad.

I am also happy to have spent more quality time with my friends. This year was about creating some awesome new relationships and I am happy to develop them further.

2012:

Before I write out some resolutions for this next year I have to say, I'm pretty darn happy with my life and feel very thankful. So, I don't feel like I'm approaching this portion of the entry as a "let's fix what is broken in my life," I feel like I'm simply approaching it as some general goals and intentions. I used to write out goals more often, even though I rarely did resolutions, and I like the idea of having goals in my life.

I will break down my goals for 2012 in different areas. Relationships, Activities, Spirituality, Career, School, and Me Time.

Relationships:

Like I said above, I have met some cool people in 2011. There is this one guy, who happens to be straight, whom I felt really connected to the first time we met. The first time we really hung out in fact we spent about 5 hours together and I even invited him up to my condo, which is something I rarely do with people I don't know. I don't really understand why, but I feel like I've known him for a long time, even though I just met him a few months ago. There is this gal I met too who I really enjoy her company and sharing our stories with each other. I want to foster these relationships and the relationships with those people who I have as close friends in my life currently.

I want to also spend more time with my family. I really like how much time I have spent with them toward the end of 2011. I want to spend more time with them because I love them and I feel like I learn a lot more about myself when I'm with them. Well... and cause they like to play board and card games and I'm an addict when it comes to playing games.

Dating won't be a focus in 2011. If someone comes along that I feel an attraction to I will date but I will date with more patience and awareness. I already started doing this in the latter part of 2011. I dated a few different guys and realized, when I stepped back and didn't confuse things with sex too early, I could see what worked for me for a partnership and what didn't work.

Activities:

Here I will focus more on hiking and connecting back with nature. I love hiking and meditating when I am at the top of a mountain or at the end of a hike. I haven't done that in a while. Tonight, to bring in the new year, two friends of mine and I are going hiking. I'm excited about that. So, there we go, I'm bringing in the new year already with implementing a resolution ;-)

Spirituality:

I have gone back and forth between meditating for extended periods of time during 2011 and then having several days of not meditating. I would like to sit and meditate more in 2012. More importantly though, I would like to create the habit of what I call "living meditations." When I wash the dishes, to be present during that process and feel the suds wash through my hands. When I take a bath, soak in the tub, rub a dub dub, and do something that I haven't done in a while - massage my feet as I soak there. That feels great! When I get anxious, breath through it. I started doing this more in 2011 and it was really helpful. I think this is all living meditation because it helps me be more present and aware and soaking up all that life has to offer.

Career:

Right now I'm in school studying a Master's in Counseling. I do hope to be a full time counselor in the future, but there are other options. Like I could work where I'm working right now and be a part time counselor when I'm done. I get paid pretty well in my current job and there are a lot of areas about it that I enjoy, so that is an option. Either way, during 2012 I will still be a student and in the work position I'm in now. Therefore I really want to put more focus on my current work and get the most out of it. I've started to change some things around at the end of 2011 and I'm happy to start the new year with a new passion and excitement with my current employment.

School:

I don't have much to say here, I really am loving school. The first class I took with the program I am in was a Counseling and Spirituality class. It was freakin' awesome. I really feel like any counseling I do in the future will have an element of spirituality in it. I am happy about this program and am excited to start the year off with Group Counseling and Individual Counseling sessions. I have heard great things about both and am simply ready for 'em. Especially the individual counseling where we get to test our stuff out on willing participants ;-)

I will definitely use my new motto for 2012 in school. Good enough! What is "good enough" with regards to school? It's getting a B average. That's my goal.

Me Time:

This is big and it's something I started to implement at the end of this year. I actually scheduled one night a week that has been all for myself. I even turn my phone and internet off too during this time. I love it. I will continue this. I will also focus on being more aware of what I want and want I need and ask for it.

I also want to put in this section that I will be a "conscious consumer." I can't remember where I learned this term but I love it. It's about being more aware of what I need materially and buying less, really buying just what I need. Also, looking at where things are made and whether I can recycle them and how the employees are being treated in that shop and, so on. Everything that goes into making that product.

Finally, I have heard this song over and over and thought it would be great for my theme song for 2012:

Snow Patrol's Open Your Eyes

To wrap this up and bring in 2012. My biggest resolution is to be in touch more with my intuition. Often I have known/felt what the best direction or answer was and I ignored it. I will be more in touch with this and follow the advice that my inner voice is giving.

Thanks to all those who have loved and supported me in 2011, I love you.

Tears on the Verge...

2011-11-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

This morning I was working out at the SU gym.

As I was working through each exercise I was reminded of something I learned from a new friend of mine, someone I met at 24 hour fitness. He helped me see the value of being aware of each exercise I perform, each repetition, each breath taken and the particular muscle felt in the middle of each rep. I did that more this morning, and there were more than feelings of the muscles and awareness of the breath.

With each exercise, each repetition, each breath, I felt tears on the verge of insanity.

The barbell, a long, slender, 135lbs of secured weight lowers to my chest, bring the middle of the bar to my chest, pause for a second or two, reminds me of the pause between the in/out, out/in breath I've forgotten about. I exhale, to gather the strength, to keep it together, to bring my focus back to the 135lbs hanging over me and away from the emotional weight and with all the force in me I push that 135lbs away from me... tears on the verge.

Insanity?

Because I do it over and over again.

Same weight, whether it's at 24 hour fitness, the SU gym, or even other gyms across the country. The same damn weight!

Same methodical approach. Orderly, calculated, systematic. It's known. A known weight, don't want to confuse the muscles, don't want to confuse the body, don't want to confuse the heart?

Same emotional resistance. Blockage, tears on the verge, always on the verge... same guardedness.

Same vulnerable depth. Predicted, allowed to be a certain shallowness, bringing the weight to a certain point and not beyond that. When, if it dare, it touches my heart it is pushed back immediately, too close for comfort.

Same calculated risk. It's known, safe, seen by some as risky and open and vulnerable yet known to me as being protected, guarded, limited in what my capabilities can open up to.

Only it's not a barbell of 135lbs that brings me on the verge of tears breaking through. He's about 155lbs... about 6' still and slender as well.

Let him in, touch my heart even, then push with all my physical force, along with emotional insecure protective measures kicking into gear. A safe distance away.

Another rep... however, the bar isn't leveled, it isn't perfectly straight... there's a slight crooked angel, the imperfection of my approach this time starts to hurt. The lack of stability brings about pain deep within. Yet I bring it closer to my body, trying to correct the imperfection. The inability to predict exactly how this rep, this carefully planned, consciously performed, slowly executed attack of the steps to make this one the perfection of all repetitions, to settle into this one. Scares the shit out of me. What will happen... will the weight fall into me and crush my chest, hurt my heart? Each step previously performed in perfection, known to my mind to not hurt me, any part of me and closer he gets to my heart and it hurts more.

Tears on the verge... of insanity. As I, in more pain now, push back for another go, ignoring the pain the last attempt caused... or, with awareness of that pain, rest the bar back in place and move on to not only another machine but another approach all together.

Time for a different street

2011-10-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

I had a fabulous evening with a girl friend of mine (Michele) last night and she shared this with me. It fits well for where I am at in my life.

Life in Five Short Chapters
Excerpted from “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk” by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walked down the street and there is a big hole in the sidewalk and I fall in – I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find the way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street and there is a big hole in the sidewalk; I pretend I don’t see it and I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place! But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street and there is a big hole in the sidewalk; I see it is there and I still fall in. It is a habit, but my eyes are open and I know where I am. It is my fault and I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street and there is a big hole in the sidewalk; I walk around it…

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

I was also thinking about what characteristics I want in a partner in the future. I don't feel like I'm ready to start dating seriously right in this moment, my heart is still healing, but what I have noticed before is that men come into my life when I least expect it and I feel the need to be clearer with myself, and the world, about what it is I want.

This is what I have thought about as of today. I want a man who:

- is a good communicator. Will sit and listen and seek to truly understand what I am saying and allow me to sit and listen with him.
- desires to better our relationship. When things go wrong, which they will, and we fight or get really upset with each other, I want a man who will be where I am in the sense of wanting to step back, out of our own ego's, and really dive into making our relationship awesome.
- will be a good husband and good father.
- has some good life experiences. This one is important because I feel like I have had some good, and often challenging, life experiences and it will be nice to be with someone else who has had some as well.
- is respectful, compassionate, kind, and honest.
- wants monogamy - at least while we build up a loving partnership. Who knows what the distant future will hold.
- has a peaceful, calm spirit
- attractive and connected with me sexually (on a deeply sexual level that brings in emotions, spirit, etc).

In the meantime...

I will continue on with working on me. I will continue on with my graduate studies, learning all I need to learn to better the world (one person at a time of course) through counseling. I will continue doing the best job I can in my work place. I will put my heart into the volunteer work I do. And I will devote time, attention, and love to myself, my family and my close friends.

The End of DADT

2011-09-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

December 21, 1993, the day “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Pursue, Don’t Harass,” (DADT) was signed into law. After a campaign promise by President Clinton, to end discrimination of our LGBT Servicemen/women, and a bitter fight waged by the conservative right to continue the status quo, we were left with this misleading and completely flawed policy. Today this policy has ended.

I joined the Army in 1996, three years later. I visited my local recruiting station, in Oak Harbor, WA (on the north end of Whidbey Island) for the second time in July of that year. I was ready to sign up and leave as soon as possible. I had recently graduated from community college and high school simultaneously, through the state’s Running Start program, and was ready for my next adventure in life. I was also ready to get off the isolated, and restricting, Island. Honestly, I initially wanted to join the military for the ability to escape and also earn money for college. However, I came to find there was much more to gain from my service.

I sought an escape because of the environment I grew up in. I learned about life from fundamental Christian, and socially conservative Republican, views of the world. Throughout my entire life I felt like an outcast, like I didn’t fit in. In fact, when I was 16 years old I recall watching a show on TV that displayed two men being affection with each other in a loving way. There was a part of me that felt like this was “right” for me. However, because of my upbringing I quickly turned those “demonic” feelings off and avoided any exploration of my sexual orientation for the next two years.

I arrived at the recruiting station and filled out my final paperwork. One, of the many forms, had an odd question on it. It asked, “Are you a homosexual?” I circled the no with an internal feeling of “of course I’m not Gay, that’s disgusting” (oh… how I’ve grown). Little did I know that the Army was supposed to delete this question from their forms after the DADT policy was implemented. One additional page was a waiver. Typically new recruits have to wait 30 days from visiting the recruiting station to leaving for Basic Training. I signed a waiver to leave in 15 days. I was ready to go.

I arrived to Fort Jackson, South Carolina on August 1^st, 1996 at about 2200 hours (10pm). When being drove from the airport to the base there was a brilliant lightening storm overhead. It should have been a sign of the turbulence in the changes about to come. Upon arriving to the barracks, where I would prepare for Basic Training, the Sergeant quietly showed me my bunk bed and wall locker. It was in a large open bay with half of the bunks already filled with sleeping future soldiers. I crawled into the next assigned bed, a top bunk, where I laid awake watching the storm continue through the barred windows. I had felt like I could just cry, but instead I willed myself to sleep.

The next day was the first day of my new life. At least the life I would need to become accustomed to for the next four years. Since I arrived later than most in the bay where I slept, because I came from Seattle, I did not have the uniforms and gear others already received. Neither did I receive instructions yet on how things were done there on base.

I was standing with my fellow new recruits in the breakfast line at the mess hall and, as I am naturally curious, I was looking around. For some reason my eyes locked onto the tall black man in uniform with a fashionable “Smokey the Bear” hat. I would come to get to know this particular Drill Sergeant a little more intimately than desired, 2 seconds later. He was pretty far away but it seemed like he had to take only a few large steps before towering over me. “Are you eyeballing me soldier!?” He commanded to know the answer to this question that confused me. Eyeballing him? What the hell was he talking about? I quickly realized that each of my fellow new recruits were like statues, in this locked position I would later learn as “Parade Rest” where our eyes were to remain locked forward. I locked up and replied, “No Drill Sergeant” wishing he would take the answer and leave. He did. I was already sticking out like a sore thumbs because I was one of the only one’s in civies (civilian clothes) and now I had a Drill Sergeant graciously announce my presence. But of course, what was I expecting? Did I picture it as, “Mr. Nichols, please excuse my intrusion, but you are standing improperly. Please witness how the other new recruits are standing” and guide me to my way. His approach was simple, more direct, and resulted in immediate action on my part.

I grew up in an upper-middle class environment and in little white, Christian America. My High School had only a few students who were from a minority class. In my Senior class there were no African American (or black) students and very few from any other minority class, including, that I knew of, anyone who was Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgendered. Due to this “White Privileged” upbringing I had, I think the initial shock of pre-Basic Training was too much. I wanted out.

More than 48 hours later, still in the holding area preparing for Basic Training, and I had not been able to call home. They wouldn’t let us call home at first possibly because they wanted us to start getting used to be away. However, it was all too much for me. I marched into the office next to where I slept, and confronted the Sergeant manning the desk. It was sometime in the later afternoon and although I was supposed to be somewhere else preparing for my transition into Basic Training, I made it clear I was not leaving until I called home. I’m not sure if it was my protest or my tears, but he allowed me to make the call. When my mom answered the phone I could hardly speak, my tears and emotions got the best of me.

My poor mom, she probably thought they were torturing me. The spoiled wealthy white boy got what he wanted, but it stopped there.

My next demand was met with more resistance. I wanted to go home.

When I saw the initial resistance to my desire to quit, I didn’t ask anyone further in the chain of command. Instead, that day and the next I secretly asked other new recruits how one could get out. Two females I spoke to explained how they lied, saying they were lesbians, so they would be discharged under DADT. Another guy told me that he knew someone who got kicked out because he couldn’t do the initial 20 pushups we all needed to prove we could do prior to moving onto Basic Training. I had two choices: 1) Declare that I was a homosexual man (which was still a disgusting thought for me) or 2) claim to be physically not capable (or weak). It was an easy choice, I’d shoot for the latter. There was no way I was going to claim to be gay, I couldn’t go home with such a mark of disgrace on my manhood.

The day the pushups test came I was ready. I got down, in line with several other new recruits in this long room, and we all started to push. Everyone fairly easily knocked out their pushups but not me. I struggled to knock out 12. It was actually a bit hard for my skinny ass, but was I not completing the 20 because of my desire to be discharged or my lack of strength? Either way, I thought to myself, “I’m going home.” There were about 100 people in that room and only a few did not pass the pushups.

For some reason the Drill Sergeants did not believe that it was my strength holding me back. They emptied the room, except for one unfortunate Private (they were required to have a “buddy” present with all new recruits). They surrounded me, about 6 of them, and with tension in his face one of the Drill Sergeant’s stood inches from me, eyes locked on mine, demanding that I do the pushups because he “knew” that I was trying to get out. I got down on all fours, got in pushup position, and started to push the ground. Up to 7 and they called out, “Keep going Nichols!” Now up to 12, where I originally was, “Push ‘em out Nichols! Don’t you stop!” Around 14 or 15 my trebling arms gave out and I fell to the floor. They were not happy. However, I was. Now I could go home, right? Wrong.

They sent me to “fat camp.” They affectionately called this “fat camp” because it was a pre-Basic Training course designed for helping people lose some quick pounds and prepare for the workouts routines we were to encounter in Basic. However, they sent me there to help not with losing weight of course, but to gain strength.

I fought this decision, all the way up to the Sergeant Major. I was ready to go home. The Sergeant Major actually said I could go home, but the stubborn First Sergeant of my company (one rack lower) said no. I understood the structure enough to know that the Sergeant Major outranked the First Sergeant, so again I thought it was clear that I was to return home soon, but no, somehow the First Sergeant’s argument won and I remained in “fat camp.”

During the time in this training, where we would exercise hours and hours in the day, I had a change of heart. Also, my dad flew from Seattle to Fort Jackson to see me one Sunday. I could only visit him for a couple hours, but it was needed. When I saw him I gave him a big hug and cried. I was later told that I couldn’t show this affection in uniform. Dad and I sat down, just him and I, and talked. He told me about how hard it was for him in Basic Training, as he was preparing to go off to Vietnam. He said the worst part was being away from home for the first time. It really helped to hear my father’s story, if felt validating for what I was going through. He also told me to show him my pushups and helped me with perfecting them so each one that I performed would count (if one didn’t go low enough that pushup would not be counted). Dad coming to see me changed my perspective, now I just wanted to get to Basic Training and get it over with.

The first opportunity I had to do my pushups I had gained some knowledge of perfecting them, some will to perform them all, and yes, even some strength, to knock them out. I did what I needed to, the 20 pushups to move on.

Soon I arrived to my Basic Training unit, Bravo Company, where I would spend 8 weeks training to become a soldier. However, that first day in this environment was terribly stressful and consisted of a lot of yelling. “Why is everyone yelling at me?” my privileged self silently demanded to know. Then the Drill Sergeant who I, and a small group, was assigned to appeared. He announced himself as “Drill Sergeant W-H-I-T-E ready to kick a privates ass H-O-R-N!” Hmmm… that’s a funny name. I sat in this large room, in the center of all the recruits, just trying to remember my father’s words of advice “don’t stand out. Just get through it.” However, it must have slipped my mind because when they asked, “Who wants to go home?” I really thought they were asking in an attempt to assist us in that exit process. I also thought, surely several people would raise their hand and get up, “Excuse me,” as I move through the crowd, “It was really a pleasure getting to know you all. I do hope we keep in touch. Goodbye now.” No, it didn’t work that way. I raised my hand and I was the only one.

They called me into the office, with four Drill Sergeants and another unlucky fellow Private who stayed in the room but backed into the corner to clearly indicate he wasn’t there with me for any kind of support. I stood at Parade Rest in front of the desk, as told to do. “So, you want to go home huh Nichols?” Still, part of me is thinking that this is possible now, we can all acknowledge that there has been a terrible mix up, I wasn’t supposed to be there. “Drill Sergeant, yes Drill Sergeant,” I appropriately responded.

“That’s fine Nichols, you can go home,” Drill Sergeant Whitehorn responded, surprisingly, but of course added the fine print,” After you spend 8 weeks of hell here!” Oh beautiful. No, really, thanks! I appreciate your consideration. Now could I get the room with the view please and could you have someone grab my luggage for me? I didn’t respond right away, perhaps in shock at again being so close to going home, but fooled again. There wasn’t a need for a response. I was back out with the other soon-to-be soldiers and we continued the process of our first day at Basic Training. And yes, after that I quickly realized there was no hope for returning to the false comfort of my previous life.

After Basic Training I attended AIT (Advanced Individual Training). Here I learned what I needed to become a Telecommunications Operator/Maintainer, or for short 74C. During my time there, at Fort Gordon, I received my first duty assignment. I remember being in a large room with my fellow soldiers and this woman at the front told us to fill out the form in front of each of us. The form was a list of different duty stations where we would rank them in the order which we preferred. I think my order was Hawaii as #1, then Fort Lewis (to come back to Seattle), and #3 was somewhere in California, to be back on the west coast. All of our papers were filled out, picked up, and the lady left the room. Just minutes later she returned and pretty much divided the room in half and said, “this half is going to Germany and this half is going to Korea.” I was on the Germany side.

I went home for Christmas in 1996 and then immediately, after that well deserved break, shipped off to Mannheim, Germany. The start of my two years in Germany felt really lonely and the uncertainty of my future scared me. Part of that uncertainty was in regards to my work placement. The unit I was assigned to had too many 74C’s, so at first we were doing duties like shoveling snow. Again, just like in Basic Training, I had this feeling arise inside asking “why am I even here… why did I join?” However, I kept remembering more words of advice from my father, “The Army is what you make of it.” I realized later, life is really what you make of it. I started to practically whistle while I worked and started to find joy.

Then the Battalion Commander, a Lieutenant Colonel, realized that he wasn’t getting someone new for the S-1 (personnel department) Finance Clerk position. He asked the Company commanders if they had a soldier they could spare for a temporary assignment (two weeks) in the S-1 shop. I’m not sure how my name came up, but I was offered to fill in and when I was told of this position I gladly accepted (as if I had a choice).

In the two weeks that I was there I learned a lot about Microsoft Excel, the filing system we had, and other important duties typically assigned to someone who specialized in that area. When the two weeks were completed the Battalion Colonel came up and personally asked me to stay, since he heard good things about me from the office Lieutenant. I was locked in a respectful At Ease position when he asked me, a Private First Class, “Nichols, you’re doing a great job. We need you here. Will you remain here for your entire two year tour?” I gladly accepted, again, it wasn’t like I could tell the Commander of the Battalion, “You know what Sir, I really appreciate you asking. I would like to negotiate our terms. The pay really sucks, and needs to be increase. The hours are crazy, let’s work out maybe an actual 40 hour work week. I’ll take a lot at your offer and get back to you.” No, I was grateful that I wasn’t shoveling snow anymore, and that I was doing things which really felt like they were important and part of the overall mission. The position of Finance Clerk for those two years allowed me so much freedom and I believe opportunity that other positions would not have offered.

A few weeks after being in Mannheim I started to make friends. Corinna, also a 74C, was the first friend I made. She was also someone whom I wanted to date. I would constantly try and spend time with her and even brought her flowers and cleaned her entire barracks room. Over and over I was denied an ability to move forward with her. She wasn’t interested, but certainly appreciated my effort! Rather than dating we became friends and she is still one of my best friends today.

Several months after moving to Mannheim I started to become comfortable with my new life, new friends, and wonderful work position. I also started to settle into a new routine that allowed me more time to explore Germany, as well as who I was. I was finally away from home, away from that conservative, religious, and ignorant environment and ready to explore my individuality.

One thing I quickly picked up was drinking and partying with my fellow soldiers. It seemed to happen every weekend in the barracks.

One weekend started off just like the others: a combination of music, alcohol and soldiers of the opposite sex flirting with each other.

During the partying a group of us decided to stumble up to the attic's rec room. We started to play pool but then quickly realized that pool wasn't going to be the highlight of our evening. The highlight would simply be drinking and BSing. We were satisfied with lounging around on the available couches as we continued slamming shot after shot of everything from Gold Slogger to Tequila.

We all quickly became very drunk. As the night turned into the early morning hours the group in the attic slowly dispersed. Soldiers passed out either right there on the couches or back in their rooms.

Eventually the only two individuals remaining in the attic, awake and barely able to function, were myself and another soldier: SPC Turner.

I sat at the far end of the room nursing my nearly empty bottle of whatever alcoholic beverage was readily available (at that point I was so drunk it didn't really matter). I simply wanted to enjoy the sensation of it's soothing liquid warming me from the inside out. I curled up on the sill of the large lonely attic window as I remained lost in my own world. A world which consisted simply of the bottle, R&B tunes filling the attic space, and a peaceful view of the lush German forest behind our barracks.

However, Turner interrupted my silence as he came over to share my drink. He laid right next to me and I obligatorily passed my bottle to him, as we shared the remaining contents. Even though I wanted to continue enjoying my solitude I recognized the unique bond that soldiers share and engaged in some BSing.

As we continued to pass the probably now empty bottle back and forth I could tell that he was a bit nervous. Although I didn't think about it much at that point because most of my attention remained with the stillness of the serene forest.

After my final moment of taking in this amazing picturesque view I realized my drinking buddy's slurred speech had ceased. I turned my head back toward him, to investigate the silence, and I found his face within inches of mine.

Right there in the barracks, in front of our passed out comrades, he kissed me. I later realized that I wasn't taken back by the fact that this was a man I was kissing. Perhaps the alcohol slowed my thinking process down enough that my mind couldn't intervene. Prior to any judgment, any "logical" understanding of what "should" be, I simply felt. The alcohol numbed my logical reasoning while my feelings were free to take this new sensation all in.

I allowed his lips to explore mine as an unfamiliar tingling sensation shot through my entire body. The slow, sweet, passionate kiss filled the air with an aura that kept him and I safe in our world. My world of isolation and loneliness was suddenly invaded with a power that made me vulnerable and weak, yet safe, all with a simple kiss. My first kiss with another man.

Since we pretty much had the entire room to ourselves we just sat there and continued to kiss. I melted into this mans lip locking action and didn't even consider the fact that... ummmm... well... this was a man! I just let my fellow intoxicated soldier take the lead and my drunk ass was completely at ease while I sunk deeper and deeper into that moment.

After a short while he probably figured that we were playing it too risky by kissing in the barracks and asked me if I wanted to come back to his place.

Oh, you see, I forgot to mention one minor detail. He was married. As you can imagine there can be pluses and minuses association with this fact. Thankfully for us we had two pluses: 1) because he was married the Army provided him and his wife with a private apartment and 2) his wife was back in the states. :-)

(side note) I later found out they had marital problems. Imagine that.

I drove us to his place, less than 1/4 of a mile away, even though I was way too intoxicated to drive. In my defense, this is the only time I drove drunk (and yes when I was doing the background check with the King County Sheriff's Office I admitted this on my application - no, not the part about kissing my fellow soldier, but about the drinking and driving).

Thankfully we safely made it to his apartment. Both of us were pretty drunk and tired so we decided to go straight to bed. Convenient right?

He started to undress in front of me, as I followed his lead. Down to our skivvies we just starred at each other for a moment from opposite sides of the bed. Then simultaneously we grabbed the blanket and sheets, pulled them back and jumped on in.

The highlight of the evening was simply rolling around and kissing. Our underwear never came off and we didn't bring sex into the picture (not even Clinton sex). Shortly into our kissing we were so tired and drunk that we just passed out wrapped up in each other's arms.

The next morning I woke up and he was on the couch. I asked, "what's going on?" He said he had a massive headache and was hungover. I was hungover a bit too but I was also so high from this newly discovered joy of knowing me a bit more, that it overshadowed any headache from the hangover.

I had just experienced the best romantic night of my life (up to that point) and all we did was kiss and actually sleep together.

He, on the other hand, couldn't believe what he had done. He even made the comment, "I can't believe how comfortable you were to take off all your clothes and stand in front of me with nothing but underwear."

At first I didn't understand what he meant by this statement because he TOO was in front of me with nothing but underwear. But then I realized that the alcohol really did have an effect on him and although he was definitely bi-sexual, he tilted toward the homosexual end of the scale only after a bit of liquid courage. As a sober man he wanted to hide from what had just occurred and not revisit these "mistakes" again.

Of course as I was sobering up I was twirling around inside with my own gay pride parade marching on! I'm here, I'm queer... with still a little fear. (hey, this was the Army)

It is kind of ironic how the military brought me out, but for the first time I realized something amazing... that... I'm GAY! And more importantly it felt so GOOD!

Soon after coming out to myself I wanted to come out to someone else. I asked Corinna if we could go on a walk because I needed to talk to her. We journeyed behind the barracks, through the trails in the forest that surrounded this small base. I told her how scared I was to tell her what I was about to say and I told her that she couldn’t tell anyone. She agreed that she wouldn’t. Then, through tears of confusion and fear, I blurted out “I’m gay.” She hugged me and was very supportive.

Three months later I remember being in the S-1 shop one weekend, catching up on work, and Corinna stopped by after her softball game. She said she had something to tell me. She explained that these past couple months, while she had been playing softball, she felt attracted to some of the girls. She came out with it, “I think I’m a lesbian.”

The following months we were definitely available for each other. However, I still felt the need to tell more people. There was a mixture of being excited about revealing this new part of who I was, scared of what it meant for my future and connection with my family, and a desire to simply be honest. I told several individuals directly, including supervisors, but it was always on a one-to-one basis. I received support from them and was advised to not tell anyone else, for fear of getting kicked out.

Then one weekend I was really having a rough time. The weekends were hard for me, because I had too much time to think and fester on the fear and shame I was constantly feeling. I felt depressed, lonely, and at times like it was hard to get out of bed in the morning. I felt the need to open up more and possibly receive counseling.

I spoke to my First Sergeant and told him what I was going through and how I was feeling. He was very kind to have listened to me and allow me to be open and honest with him about my sexual orientation and not use this flawed policy of DADT to kick me out. He asked me to not tell anyone else but also made sure I was supported by calling Corinna down to his office and making sure she was there for me.

I started to fell better about the fact that I was a gay man and also the fact that I was in the military. I felt so good about it that I wanted to continue telling people. However, I had told most of the people I trusted and wasn’t sure telling more people would be wise – as I did want to complete my four-year enlistment.

One person I wanted to tell, but I knew it would be too risky, was my Company Commander. I was only a Private, or maybe Specialist by this time, and she was a Captain. Typically two individuals, with such a range of rank between them, don’t socialize. However, Capt Merchant and I would often run together after hours, just her and I. In fact, someone made a comment to her about it and we had to stop spending time together. After all, she was my company commander and it really was an inappropriate relationship.

I never did tell her I was gay but during Halloween that year I kind of was able to reveal my secret. We were all dressed up in our Halloween costumes for our company run and I was dressed in just a running outfit. I typically liked to run with the guidon (company flag) which meant that I would run right next to the commander.

When I was in the front of the formation with her she looked at me and asked, “What are you dressed as?” Without hesitation I confidently replied, “I’m a gay soldier Ma’am.” She said, “What???” with a very confused look. I replied pretty much that there were “gay’s among us” and we didn’t know who was gay or who was straight, so that was the point of my “costume” that anyone could be gay. It was my perfect opportunity to come out to her without really coming out.

Many people have asked me, “If you were able to be out in the military as a gay man, why’d you want to leave?” I initially intended on doing my four years, getting my college money, and getting out. However, I would have seriously considered staying in if it wasn’t for this terrible policy of DADT.

Even though I was able to tell many people that I was gay and never was discharged, I had to fear all of the time the fact that I could have been discharged and had to worry about the wrong people finding out. I still had to live a lie to many of the soldiers. When I brought my boyfriend to functions, he was my “friend,” and I just wanted to hold his hand and show those “macho” guys that two men could be in an affectionate, loving relationship.

I also had three specific situations happen that I don’t believe I would have had to worry about if DADT didn’t exist. The first was a soldier calling me a “faggot” in front of formation. I wasn’t even present, when he referred to me in this endearing way. However, my friends told me later what he had said. I was furious and told my Sergeant’s. I was ready to demand that they did something about it, but I didn’t have to because they were upset as well. They spoke to his Sergeant’s and before the end of the day this soldier was crying and apologizing at my barracks room door. The Sergeants were ready to give him an Article 15. When I felt like he was really sorry though I told them that it wasn’t necessary, so they just gave him a counseling statement.

The second situation was a little more complicated. I was working in the S-1 shop one day when this soldier came in to be processed back from deployment. This man was really hot. When I saw him sitting on the couch, waiting to be helped, my head snapped back to check him out and he noticed. He smiled at me and nearly winked. I looked around, realizing, yes, he was smiling at me. I half smiled back, confused at what was playing out in front of me. Then a soldier I worked with, Diane, came into the room and saw the man. She gave him a hug and then introduced me. It was her husband.

Over the next several months the three of us actually hung out together and I would often watch their son when they wanted private time. However, I continued to have this feeling that the husband wanted to do more than just hang out. One evening they invited me over to their apartment on base for drinks. This evening though I didn’t see where Diane was and it was just him and I together, drinking in their living room. Before I knew it he was all over me, feeling me up and really turning me on. I had only kissed the one guy by this time and was completely excited about the possibility here.

Then he told me that Diane was in the bedroom. He brought me to the bedroom and wanted the three of us to have sex. I got into the bed, laid right in the middle of the two of them, and then he said, “I want you to f*** Diane.” I turned to him and explained that I was gay and I didn’t want to have sex with a woman. He was very drunk, it was all very confusing, and he became quite angry. He grabbed me and threw me out of the bed after I said several times I wasn’t interested in having sex with her. I snatched up what I could of my belongings, not getting my shoes, and walked back to my barracks room in bare feet.

The next day Diane told me that her and her husband were going to tell our Sergeant that I was gay and get me kicked out. I decided to see Sergeant Patterson before they could. I sat in front of SSG Patterson and said, “Diane and her husband are going to try and get me kicked out because I’m gay. I need to tell you everything that happened,” and proceeded to tell her every detail of what happened from the first day I laid eyes on Diane’s husband to the previous night.

She patiently, and respectfully, listened to my story and then said I could go. Later that day Diane and her husband did tell her that I was gay and tried to get me kicked out. I would have loved to know the exchange that took place in that office, but the result was that the conversation stopped with SSG Patterson. She never brought up to the chain of command that I was gay, and I continued to serve my country.

The last situation that happened was when I was stationed in Savannah, GA. By this time I was a Sergeant myself and I wanted to be honest with my two soldiers about who I was. I told them both I was gay. The guy, who was a few years older than me, didn’t care at all. The female soldier, who was 36 years old (I was promoted to Sergeant when I was 20), seemed to have an issue with me in general. She tried to get me kicked out because I told her.

However, again I went to my First Sergeant before she did and told him that I was gay and I wanted to remain in and finish my four years. Honestly, I don’t know how it all worked out but I was able to finish my time and although I had close calls, I never was disciplined or released of duty under DADT.

I really appreciate everything I gained from my time in the service. I am so proud to have been able to serve and I love sharing stories about my service with others. I am surprised by how many people today don’t sign up for just four years. I wish more people would make that sacrifice for our country. I don’t particularly like machismo environment and attitudes, nor do I think we should be so war focused (I’m definitely a peace loving guy), but I think there is so much more to gain from being the military: discipline, structure, camaraderie, travel opportunities, etc.

When President Obama signed the repeal of this policy, then he slammed the desk saying, “It’s done!” I was so happy that no one else would have to go through the stress that I and other soldiers had to encounter simply because of who we love. It will strengthen our military to allow soldiers the freedom to tell whomever they please about their personal life. It will strengthen the military to allow soldiers to live honest, loving lives. It will strengthen our Armed Forces to have soldiers who are disciplined not for expressing the truth of who they are, but for discriminating against their fellow soldiers based on something as simple as sexual orientation. I am so happy that today is the first day of liberty and peace for our over 65,000 estimated LGBT soldiers. The last thing they need to worry about is whether or not they will lose their job, their livelihood, if they choose to be honest with their fellow soldiers.

Would you like to convert?

2011-08-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure what I want to write about. I'm a little amused and caught off guard.

Everyonce in awhile people, whom I have never met, will read my blog and either make comments or email me. I think it's kind of cool that random people read it and find some information interesting, or even sometimes helpful to their lives.

Very rarely have I had someone write who had either a negative thing to say or was mean in anyway. Never have I had someone who wrote me asking if I wanted to convert away from my gay ways.

Oh yes she did!

This lady wrote me after reading my story, "How I Contracted HIV," written back in May of 2008. At first she wrote and said that she thought it was really well written and seemed to appreciate the entry. Then I wrote back, thanking her. She wrote again, this time a longer email, about how she had been working with a NGO in Kenya with people living with HIV/AIDS and so she wanted to hear more stories about others living with HIV/AIDS and then came across my blog entry. I thought that was really cool and wrote back again.

Then she wrote this email:

I know this question is rather personal and you dont have to reply, but, do you like your life, being gay i mean, or would you like to 'convert'? No, im not hitting on you, I have a fiance, but im a christian and I know there is a better life for you and I want to talk to you about it and get you in touch with some people, just to talk.

Please dont be offended. Please think about it.

I wrote back, simply:

Hi ***** (omitting her name, no, it wasn't Michele Bachmann)

I love my life as a man who loves men. It's the way our Creator intended on me to be.

Best to you

Andrew

I don't want to make this entry too long, I just wanted to share this email with others because I know there are young gay men, lesbian women, bisexual men and women, men who were born into the body of a woman and feel like they want to change that physical body, women who were born with an annoying penis and want to change that (smile), women who aren't sure if they like women or men or both, men with these feelings too, and on.

I grew up in a "Christian" household. I put Christian in quotes because I don't believe it's the way of the Christian God to demoralize, look down on, or judge others. We, whether we are Christian or have any other religious/spiritual belief (or none), really need to just find the love, compassion, and respect for our fellow people.

When I wrote this woman back I really didn't have much to say, but I wanted to write that simple email. I actually wasn't angry, if it were 10 years ago I may have been. I think I wasn't angry because I have come a long way in loving myself. Loving myself as a man who happens to love men... and because of other, frankly more important, characteristics.

A BOMB?

2011-08-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

Today I was faced, once again in my life, with the reminder of how fragile life is.

A few weeks back I was helping out at the pharmacy, where I work, with cleaning up. I love organizing and so I was helping them clean out some old bottles of expired medications and stuff that had been around since the pharmacy opened - 40 years ago, or more.

One of our trusty Pharmacy Tech's, Alisa, gave me the address for the North Seattle hazardous waste drop off site. I took the box of 20 or so bottles, old meds, and needles and left it in the back of my car. I figured I'd drop it off when I was in the North Seattle area.

While driving around a few days I realized that I wasn't going to take this box up north anytime soon, so I decided, rather than leave the box in my car where the heat could possibly cause problems with the chemicals I'm toting around, I would leave the entire box in the pharmacy.

I would find out later that this was a very good choice.

Today I realized I was going north for work AND it was a Tuesday (one of three days the north hazard site is open). I grabbed the box, rattling all of the bottles inside around, and threw it in my car. Racing around, as I typically do (driving my poor Prius like it's the Z3 I had before), I went from one account to another.

Then, at 14:30 hours, I finally made it to the hazard waste site.

I drive in and all around there are signs that indicate this is a hazardous area: "warning," "hazardous material," "danger," etc.

I patiently wait for the car in front of me to dispose of his material, as the employee was helping him do so. Then, as directed by the employee, I pull forward.

I grab the box, shaking it around still, and throw it on the cart this guy brings out. He asked, "What's in the box?"

I opened it and after he saw all the bottles he said I needed an inventory sheet. I was in a hurry and really just wanted to drop the box off and go, but I had to fill out this darn form.

The guy told me to park my car off to the side, so he can help the next person. I did. While pulling all of the bottles out of the box and filling out the inventory form a female employee, Lisa, came up to me to help out.

She was going through the different bottles and organizing them in a way so I could read the labels easily and fill out the form quicker. While she was moving the bottles around she came across one that made her jump back.

She looked up at me and shockingly questioned, "You have picric acid!?"

I stared back with a puzzled expression.

She went on, "Do you realize what this is?"

Before I could answer she ran into the main building. Just a few seconds later, as I went back to filling out my form, she came out with who must have been the person in charge. This guy looked at the bottle and immediately told the employees "Close the gates!"

I just stood straight up, looking at everyone hustle around, and wasn't sure what was going on.

Lisa asked her boss, "Someone made it in the front gate. Should we help them really quick, just as the last person?"

"No. We need them out of here." He said immediately then jumped on his cell phone.

The employees were arguing with the woman who wanted to drop off her hazardous material. She wanted to drop it off and they kept telling her she needed to leave and they couldn't tell her why. I understand why she was upset, according to the signage the place was to be open for 2 more hours!

I overheard the calls the main boss made, and in-between calls asked him what was going on. He said he was on the phone with the Fire Marshall and also the bomb squad. Then asked me, "Do you realize what this is?"

"No. I was just asked to bring this up here," I nonchalantly replied.

He took the bottle of the picric acid, as he said, "Good thing you made it up here," as he was walking off.

Lisa was back with me now, so I figured I would finally get some answers. She was very friendly and, now that this picric acid was away, helped me again with my forms and the remaining bottles. I asked her, "what's going on?"

She told me that picric acid is explosive and the amount that I had, which was about half of the jar (the jar was about 3 inches tall and the same size around) was enough to blow up the entire facility.

WHAT the F^*#!!!???

She asked me more questions, took my contact information, then told me what her boss told them that morning. He told them that last night he had a dream that someone brought picric acid in and it blew up the entire place. Odd coincidence.

I thought that was rather odd that the boss dreamt this and now the first part was coming true. I also thought, "What the hell am I still doing here?" But they weren't done with me. I didn't want the entire dream to come true while I was standing there. Not that I wanted it to come true at all, of course.

She also told me that I was lucky it didn't explode in my car and that it was really a good thing that I didn't leave it in my car. She said the slightest disturbance could set it off. I was driving around with a freakin' bomb! Great!

As soon as they had all of the information they needed from me, they let me go. I was happy to get out of there, drive past the gate, and when I left they shut the exit gate as well. I didn't hear any explosion when I drove away or news about an explosion today, so I'm assuming all went well in the destruction of this substance.

Whew! I live another day.

Syphilis on the rise

2011-05-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

Syphilis increase continues in 2011 (information from Seattle & King County Public Health)

New local education campaign launched to increase awareness and testing

Syphilis cases continue to increase dramatically in King County. After reaching a 30-year high in syphilis cases in 2010, January through March of 2011 has seen 101 cases of syphilis, about twice as many as during the first three months of 2010.

This week, Public Health – Seattle & King County is launching a new syphilis education campaign focusing on men who have sex with men, the highest risk population. In 2011, similar to 2010, about 90% of the syphilis cases have been among men who have sex with men.

The new education campaign aims to increase awareness about syphilis, promote recognition of symptoms, and encourage testing and prompt treatment. The campaign also highlights the risks and efficiency of transmission via oral sex. The campaign will be featured in media and venues that target gay and bisexual men.

“We are making a call to action to our community. We urge men who have sex with men to use condoms, to test for STDs often, and to immediately seek medical attention if they develop a sore in their mouths or genital area or any kind of new rash,” said Dr. Matthew Golden, Director of the Public Health- Seattle & King County HIV/STD Program.

Public Health officials do not fully understand what is causing the upswing in cases, but are actively working to investigate possible causes, increase syphilis testing, speed-up treatment, and improve partner notification. Rates of syphilis among gay and bisexual men also appear to be increasing in other areas of the U.S.

Syphilis causes a broad range of symptoms that can make it hard to diagnose, particularly for providers who don’t see a lot of patients with syphilis. Importantly, syphilis is caused by a bacterial infection and is curable with antibiotics. Without treatment it can progress to vision loss, hearing loss, and other serious complications.

STD testing is available in primary care medical providers’ offices, Gay City Health Project, the King County STD Clinic, and other public health clinics. For more information, please visit www.SyphilisRising.com or the Public Health – Seattle & King County HIV/STD Program website at www.kingcounty.gov/health/std.

3 Days in Silence... almost

2011-01-17T14:20:00.001-08:00

This past weekend I participated in a silent retreat coordinated by the Campus Ministry at Seattle U. Since I'm a Grad student there I was able to pay a really decent price for the four day, three night getaway.

Prior to arrival at the center, called "The Palisades" located in Federal Way, I wasn't sure what to expect. I just knew that I would be feed, have a private room and would remain silent much of the time. I was kind of hoping it was going to be a full silent retreat where we did not speak at all but there were moments we actually did talk.

For example, we could speak during our daily, individual, hour of spiritual direction. I was paired up with Father Erik whom I felt comfortable with sharing intimate details with and listened wholeheartedly to his advice. The greatest piece of advice he gave me wasn't to turn to Jesus Christ as my personal savior or to pray each day or ask for forgiveness for my sins, all things I was a bit concerned about when meeting individually with him. However, the best piece of advice was about meditation and being present with what is, what is right now.

He also said that it's very easy to feel calm, centered, grounded and at peace during the retreat, while away from the "big" city, but then easy to fall back into the busyness of life once back.

Through our conversation I realized one thing I wanted to take back was to have just a few minutes each day when I will reconnect with the spirit within. I do this through breathing and did plenty of it while on the retreat. I will continue doing it while here in Seattle, back in the "real" world.

However, let me back up. I wanted to write a fairly brief blog entry from the journaling I did while on the retreat. I just wanted to go page by page and those things I feel comfortable with putting online I would post the entire journal writing as raw as I can. I couldn't believe I wrote 20 pages (front and back) while on the retreat. Although it's a smaller journal, it's still a lot. I won't write that much here though because much of it is some deeply personal stuff. There are just a few good points I made in my journal and some loving realizations I had about my current relationship. I'd like to share some of that here. For those parts that are not in the journal entries and I add in, I will put them in parenthesis:

01.14.11 - Arrival

I just arrived to the silent retreat here at the Palisades. It's a beautiful campus, over looking the Puget Sound and I have a room all to myself with a view of the sound - pretty cool! We're not silent yet, I guess that starts after the introductions tonight. I'm the first one here because most of the students are coming in a van pool.

I'm just about to start reading a book I'm lending from Sister Cathy, one of the spiritual directors here, it's called "True Love," by Thich Nhat Hahn. How appropriate since I am in a new, loving relationship and looking to grow the love deeper and become more connected in that relationship. Besides, I love Thich Nhat Hahn - he just has a beautiful way of writing and his books are always such an easy read.

I was just laying on my bed and read the first section of this book. Nhat Hahn says there are four elements of true love. The first is Maitri - loving-kindness. He says that Maitri is about bringing joy to a loved one. He goes on to explain that to bring joy and happiness to the one I love I must truly understand that person. He clearly states that one must understand his partners "deepest troubles, his deepest aspirations, if he does not understand his suffering, he will not be able to love him in the right way."

Now I realize that Jordan and I's relationship is very new. I do feel like I am falling in love with him but I feel like there is a long road ahead of me, this is just from my end obviously, toward falling in love. Perhaps even it's an ongoing journey... maybe there isn't a goal I'll reach, we'll just continue falling deeper and deeper in love. I do appreciate what Nhat Hahn says here too and think that falling deeper in love with J means knowing his deepest troubles, deepest aspirations and his suffering. With patience, time and a vulnerable willingness to learn, I will.

Just finished the first group meeting. Here we just introduced ourselves then sat in meditation for a bit. After the meditation ended we slowly dispersed. I like how the meeting ended. We all just walk away when we felt ready to go. However, we walk away in silence. Oh this is going to be fun... perhaps hard a bit... but fun nonetheless. We will be able to speak with our spiritual director, Luke and I are sharing Erik - all boys club! My direction will be an hour each day starting at 11am.

I turned back to my book, "True Love," before the evening talk at 8pm. Thich Nhat Hanh is talking a lot about mindfulness, classic for him, and breathing. He reminds me to simply connect my body and mind by focusing on my breath while saying "breathing in - I know that I am breathing in. Breathing ouH - I know that I am breathing out." It's amazing how this simple task of breathing and saying this silently to myself (yes I'm still silent) can really put me at ease and bring back this sense of peace within. In many ways, with mindfulness, we see life for the first time - in ways which aren't noticed because of the busyness of life. But no time for mindfulness now as my first talk of the night is about to start. Ha! ;-)
Friday 8pm - First Talk

The spiritual directors, all whom are Catholic, spoke about the goal of our life is to be with God and flow into God and let God flow through us. I definitely feel like a goal in my life is to unblock and de-clutter myself so the spirit can flow through me and, when needed, I can easily go to the place of feeling grounded and at peace because the spirit flows easily through my being. What I really liked about the talk is six brief words:

God is simple

God is Love

Whether I call the higher power God, Spirit, The Universe, Energy, or give it any other label... I do believe this power is simple and this power is pure love. The question I asked myself during this talk was "where do I most rest deeply with God?" I realized that it's when I meditate, focus on my breath and when I am in nature. Those are the times I feel most connected to a higher power.

There was another statement I really liked that was spoke during this talk, one of the director's said, "Behold God, beholding you and smiling." Then I wrote in my journal, "leg go in his embrace."

There is that saying, "Let Go, Let God," I've heard at the AA meeting I went to before and other places in the Christian tradition. I have felt more able to let go and let the higher power support me. Just letting go to the natural flow of life feels so powerful. It's scary, it's allowing myself to be vulnerable, but it's so rewarding when I do.

The talk is done, I've made my way back to my room, stripped down to my boxer briefs (sorry boys, no photos this time), jumped into bed with my journal and bible so I can read the three scripture passages suggested for tonight.

As I look up, past the head board, I see Jesus Christ himself hanging on a cross. Well, not himself thankfully, but a wooden replica of what believers imagined the situation to be. In all seriousness though I was halfway through my first scripture when I heard something I hadn't heard in a while, just because of the busyness I have allowed myself to fall victim too, it was my breath. Wow... my breath.

Day Two - Saturday

Breakfast, at 8am, is in 8 minutes but I wanted to write a little first. I wanted to write about a dream I just had. I dreamt that I walked into a room where Jordan was sleeping with his roommate. They didn't have sex or anything, just slept together. There wasn't even drama from anyone, it was just so peaceful, the entire encounter. I walked in, saw them, they both rolled over and just looked at me, I think we all even smiled though we all knew that it wasn't right. Also, although I wasn't mad I was just a little confused why they were sleeping together. Interesting. What does it all mean??? :-)

Well, first of all, I'll tell you what this means:

These are slippers my sister made for me for Christmas. I love them and wore them the entire weekend. Yup... means I'm pretty gay :-)

While eating breakfast this morning it was so different than eating dinner together with everyone last night. Last night we all talked so much that there was a lot of noise in the room. Luckily I was sitting next to two people last night whom I actually enjoyed hearing about their stories and listening to them talk. They weren't conceited individuals and they also seemed okay with silence even before it was "required." Which was cool. I have come to think that I don't like mingling but I think I just don't like it when I meet someone who focuses so much on telling me about his/her job, other superficial aspects of their life and why he/she is an important person. Really? I just want to grab these kind of people with one hand, slap 'em with the other and say, "really??? Are you really that important?" Well... perhaps I wouldn't slap them, never slapped someone before, but when I do hear people like this it does make me think about the rest of the 6 billion people on this planet.

Not these two though, a younger girl on my left. She spoke about international travels and helping communities in the areas where she's been or will go (and not in a "I've helped those poor people," kind of way - thank God - literally). The older man to my right, Erik (who was to become my spiritual director for the next three days), mostly listened politely to our stories but shared a bit about his life as a "Father" at SU and what value he gets from that service.

Just three strangers, enjoying our meals, not having to fill the air with words and just listening as the air is already filled with so many words from surrounding tables. I often question how much talking is really necessary. I questioned this today, this morning, as we sat in silence. All we could hear was the clinging of utensils against plates and classical music in the background. Was the music playing last night? I don't know. None of us would have even noticed because of all the noise our conversations produced.

8:45 - Morning Prayer and First Talk of the Day

The talk this morning was about the "container" we are held in. We also talked about using all five senses with our daily interactions. This is something I have learned about through my ex Ken and Buddhism readings. I love the idea of taping into all five senses.

With regards to the container the examples weren't only about our physical container, our bodies, but more so on the energetic containers we keep ourselves in. To be clear, kind of the mirror we hold up for ourselves. The container of how we hold and see ourselves.

The one spiritual director spoke about her only child, a young boy, receiving word right in front of her from his doctor about how he was "concerned about the extra weight" the boy was putting on. It was clear to the mother, by the way this doctor told her son, that her child was deeply wounded. After each previous doctor's appointment the son and mother always shared lunch together and this time when the mom asked her son, "where would you like to go for lunch?" with his posture sunk and eyes lowered he replied, "I'm not hungry." The spiritual director spoke of the container of love that a mother should have for her children but no matter how much the mother tries to protect her child she won't be able to. The world will wound him.

As we grow older the world tells us lies about who we are, while God holds up a mirror of who we truly are. No matter who knocks us down, who throws sticks and stones, as long as we have an ability to tap into the spiritual power we can always come back to knowing the beauty (not just surface level) of who we are. I've felt this many times when I'm in touch within. I find getting in touch within is helped, for me, through yoga, meditation and simply breathing.

Then the spiritual director said something beautiful that just stuck in my head, she said "we were all made to have unself-conscious joy."

11am - First Spiritual Direction Session

The invitation today, and throughout the rest of the retreat, is to take one line from the suggested scriptures and repeat that line in my meditation. Pray/Meditate after lunch and after the last talk on this one line. Also, to pray over my life - where I've been and where I'm going.

Just finished lunch and now it's time to be without my journal and book for an hour. To pray/meditate and focus on the one line I picked. From Psalm 51:8:

Make me to hear joy and gladness

I love the simple word joy, that's probably why I picked this.

Okay... I was planning on an hour of meditation. I think I got about 5 minutes then probably some loud snoring rocked the resort (sorry for those on either side of my room as the walls were pretty thin). I took a nap. Just about an hour... oh, but how I appreciated that hour of rest!

More reading of my book "True Love." He writes about misperceptions and how they can hurt a partnership. In order to not allow misperceptions, which happen all of the time, to hurt a relationship I must beat back my pride and walk forward to my partner, if I feel hurt, and talk about my suffering. I love this advice. It's not going to be easy to implement and I probably won't get it on the first time. However, it will be my intention to get it and eventually I will. Once I do get it it will help to alleviate any drama and arrive at the truth.

He advices to listen with calm and understanding and then learn to speak with love. Wow... such simple words but not simple acts. I think we, or I guess I will just speak for myself, I, have learned so much about speaking out of fear, anger and in a dire need to be heard because so many people were speaking or shouting growing up that I need to unlearn that and relearn speaking and listening with love.

The practice of mindfulness, of meditation, consists of coming back to ourselves in order to restore peace and harmony.

3pm - Afternoon Talk

The spiritual director this afternoon spoke about fate and destiny. She defined fate as what we are born into. Like I was born in Portland, OR, I am Caucasian, I am male, I am gay, I was born into a middle class family, etc. While destiny she defines as both stuff inside of me drawing me forward and stuff outside of me pulling me.

She went on to explain that there are four "presuppositions" and that we should all recognize and cultivate them. Here they are:

1. Self-Knowledge:

- who am I?

- be aware of who I am

- do I have additions? Mental Illness? etc

2. Knowledge of the World:

- it's important to understand how the culture I am in works.

- then it is important to understand other cultures

3. Sensitivity to God's spirit:

- how does the spirit move through and within me?

- meditation

- yoga

- lifting weights - not when I overdo it and push myself but when I have patience and mindfulness in this exercise

- running

- mindfulness

- hiking

4. Freedom of Heart:

- we let go and ask for what we need

- health and wellness

- I have some sense of trust and I walk forward with that trust

Think of the ways I already cultivating to discernment. What things am I doing when this happens? (Using all of my senses to make decisions). Where are there places I want to make changes in my life? (put myself in the way of the spirit - when I feel that calm peace within). Make a list of things that put me in the way of the spirit. (see list above under #3).

Ignatius asks us to review moments throughout our day of:

- joy

- gratitude

- expansion

- generosity

but also:

- where we feel tangled

- blockage

She asks us to do both of these moments of review without judgments and in gentleness. Then asks ourselves, "How do I move into tomorrow?"

Back to my reading of "True Love." It's a short book and I'm really flying through it. His books are such easy reads, probably not only because of how well he writes but because he keeps it all so simple. Because really, it is all so simple. He says to bring the energy of mindfulness to my pain, fear, anger and jealous when each shows it's ugly face. Okay... did I just write it was so simple... well, I should have been more clear. The words are simple, putting those words in to practice, well, takes just that, practice. Lots of it I imagine. However, if I look back where I was 10 years from now and where I am today the practice I have done has paid off.

I love how he writes about this. He says with mindfulness tenderly mother my anger, breathe into it and I will feel what is right to do. When I feel pain in my body, breathe into that pain and be mindful. Be loving with that pain and I will know what to do. It's so powerful.

My biggest goal for this retreat, to bring back to my daily life in Seattle, is to move with more awareness, more mindfulness in my daily actions and interactions. Eat when I feel ready to be nourished, and I know when because I am mindful of my body. Sleep when I am ready to rest, I will know when I am ready because I will be mindful of the needs of my physical body. Take a break out of the day when I need that break, I will know when I need this when I am mindful of those needs.

And to remember it doesn't start when I finish this or that, when I complete school work or even finish this entry. It starts now, all else can wait. If my mind, body or spirit is calling out "nourish me, care for me, let me rest," just when the essence of me calls out to be fed I should stop and take care of me. The busyness will continue to be there, and I will be mindful through it, and then it will be there when I am back.

5pm - Mass

This was the first time I have ever attended Mass. I took communion which was interesting. I think I took a bigger sip of the wine than others. Hey! They should be lucky I just didn't run off with the goblet holding the wine.

I am appreciative of everyone who was there (mostly Catholic individuals) allowing me to share in their tradition with them.

One thing I did write down in my journal, during Mass, was "God, help me to have a real relationship as I am." Not sure why I wrote that down but it sure is a prayer that I would like answered.

Okay, at this point I'm missing Jordan more... I've been wearing his red swatch watch:

And okay, I will admit I kissed the darn watch. Right there on its face. I must have even gave it a little tongue, I don't know what happened, just got a little steamy in the room... true love.

Yes, thinking about Jordan. I'm happy I was wearing his watch because I could look at it anytime I wanted to remember him. Although, I didn't really need a watch as I can just close my eyes and see him. I can close my eyes and think about his wonderful touch, his presence, his love. He's actually the first one who said "I love you."

On New Years Eve we went to a party that his friend was throwing and then around 11pm we came back to my place. From my bay window we could easily see the Space Needle and I was excited to have the evening to just the two of us. After some wonderful love making, just seconds before the fireworks shot off the side of the Space Needle, we huddled up together on the cushions in the bay window (him holding me) and watched as the firework show took off.

While still laying there together, kissing and just holding one another, now several minutes into the New Year, he held my head on his chest and said, "You know I love you, right?" At first I pulled back because it was hard for me to hear those words, especially probably because this was the first time of me being in a relationship that the other person said them first. I told him that there was part of me that felt obligated to return the words, to say "I love you too." He said that it wasn't necessary, I should say it when I'm ready. The thing is, is that I was actually ready before he said it. I was all ready to say "I Love You," and I was holding myself back. I think partly because I don't want to move too fast into loving someone and it not working out, again. I think I waited a couple days until the moment was right and it just feel out, without much thought, which is exactly how it should.

Back to my reading of "True Love." I like how Nhat Hanh talks about walking through life as if we are free. He is referring to not allowing things, and unresolved life issues, hold us back from feeling the freedom of life. So, not when I pay off my debt, not when I finish school, not when/if I switch careers, not when I have this amazing future so different from today, but today, in the midst of all those things that are constantly changing.

It's really a freedom in the mind because most of us are free, we have a lot of freedom to do just about anything we desire to... it's a matter of us feeling bound up in our minds. How do we get over that? I think a good start is what Nhat Hanh talks about in the book and that is to give ourselves, give myself, time throughout the day to walk through life and operate in this manner right now. Just by allowing myself extra time in the day I can go through my life with more awareness and feeling of freedom.

I love another thing that he talks about in his simple writing. He said at "Plum Village," where he lives in France with other monks, they all have an interesting way of answering the phone. He said they treat the phone ring as a bell and each time they hear a bell it is a reminder to be mindful. He said that typically when the phone rings it sends a vibration of excitement, worry, anxiety or some feeling of hurry up and get the phone, then we do just that, we run to the phone. Rather than jumping to get the phone the monks living at Plum Village take a moment to return to mindfulness.

I want to do this. I don't necessarily jump to get the phone but still there is a bit of me that says inside grab the phone, hurry, get it... I think this is a good time to hear the ring, take a breath, and then mindfully take the call.

He suggests to walk to the phone while saying, "breathing in - I am calming myself; breathing out - I am smiling." Love it! (I changed my ring tone and text message tone and, when I remember, am already being mindful when I receive a call or message from someone - it feels really great actually!

7:30pm - Talk

We sang a hymn called "Deep Within." Some religious songs are almost so painful just to get through. I really feel like they are a bore. This one was really beautiful though. The melody was nice and the words felt good to me. It's basically about being one with the spirit, deep within your heart, your being, the essence of who you are.

One of the spiritual directors said something that resonated with me: "My inner life is too rich to be destroyed by anything outside it." How great would it be to feel so calm within, so at peace and connected to the spirit, that nothing outside could shake me?

Tonight was also about letting the past be the past by forgiveness and starting fresh. Our spiritual director asked us all to think about several questions:

- Are there particular places I seek forgiveness and healing?
- Are their relationships I feel difficulty in giving and/or receiving love? (this one hit me hard with regards to the relationship between my brother and I).
- Is there a situation or relationship I feel called to forgive? Can I lose the bonds of another's trespass where it may be holding me back?
- Are there troubled spots in my road where I don't respond with the best fullness of myself?
- Is there anything I need to untangle, release, leave behind tonight?

After answering these questions, being in a new frame of mind, is there a grace that I would like to ask for?

(If we felt called to we were to answer one or more of these questions, either in our journals or with a spiritual director, which 6 of them were ready for us that evening. I did feel called to answer two questions, I wrote about them in my journal, and then shared one very personal one with a spiritual director. I won't share either one of those here because one has to do with my current relationship and the other with a deeply personal topic that I haven't shared with many people).

This retreat, now a bit over 24 hours into it, has been great so far. Very relaxing. I took a nice nap this afternoon. Naps are great! ;-)

Day 3 - Sunday

In spiritual direction this morning we talked about joy. My director asked me a great question: where is joy being blocked in my life? It's such a great question to ponder. It says that we each have a, perhaps, God given right to feel and experience joy so let's step back for a moment and look at where in my life I'm not currently experiencing it.

So, my director says to see where joy is being blocked in my life right now, then do something about it! I love simplicity and I love given a mission. I don't have the answer right now, but just asking the question feels good.

Another thing I'm learning is how much I love and miss meditation and taping into the spirit within. When I get home I want to carve out 15 minutes each day to meditate and perhaps write a bit in my journal.

I did ask my spiritual director about prayer. I just asked him kind of "how do you pray?" I mean, I know people cross their hands, get on their knees and open their mouth... uhhhh... sorry, that's for Catholics, the Christians do it behind closed doors :-).

Okay... let me stop. I seriously asked him how he prays and we talked about how meditation and prayer can be one in the same. I did like how he said to "pray like a child, just play with it. It's a means and not an end."

So true... just like meditation. I have talked to friends who have asked me about meditation and how I do it and I tell them that you don't have to meditate while sitting uncomfortably and with perfect posture. I tell them that for me meditation is about focusing on my breath and letting everything else go. You can sit or lay down or walk (slowly). There are a lot of ways one can meditate, just like prayer.

1:30pm

Took a nice, refreshing, and COLD dip in the Puget Sound with six crazy girls. Oh no... not just once, but twice. I didn't remain silent as I gasped for warm air as soon as the freezing cold water hit my mid section. Then when I was coming out of the water there was one girl who stayed on the land and it looked like she was playing with a pot pipe. I thought, "this is cool... the Catholic girls are smoking dope." But I was wrong, it was a sea shell.... don't know why I thought she was smoking pot.

5pm - Mass

Mass again. I was kind of thinking about not coming to this one but I'm happy I did. Today we went through this ritual of washing each other's feet. Yes, can you believe it, we washed each other's feet. It was really cool. Traditionally, once a week I think, they do this at Mass. We broke up in four different groups and in turns we washed each other's feet. When it was my turn to wash the woman's feet who was in the chair I really took my time and gave her a short, but hopefully enjoyable, foot massage as I washed them. I should give Jordan a good foot massage when I get home ;-)

The reason this foot washing tradition started, so the story goes, is because Jesus wanted to wash Peter's feet. Peter declined at first and Jesus insisted so Peter let him. It was hard for Peter to let someone like Jesus wash his feet. Then Jesus said, "if I can wash your feet you all can wash each other's feet." Interesting. I like it.

At the end we gathered in a circle, hugged each other and took communion again. Pretty cool stuff.

DINNER! Speaking about Mass, at 6:24pm my prayers were answered. While we were all silently finishing dinner the dessert boy arrived. He typically came out right around this time, when we were all finishing our meals, and each night the meals and dessert have been great. Tonight topped the other nights though. I wasn't close to finishing my dinner, while others were almost done (guess I was eating slow), and here comes the dessert. Ice cream! Thank you Jesus! Praise be to Allah... ahhhh... I mean, the Lord. Hope Big Brother doesn't read this.

Okay, a man will go crazy without his ice cream. When I saw that we were having ice cream I was excited, like everyone else appeared excited. However, I let out a gasp that echoed across our tables. The girls looked at me and smiled and one giggled. Sure... I broke the silence... but man, it's ice cream. I was so happy and for some reason just really taken off guard.

Maybe I shouldn't have been too excited though, it was some generic ice cream. Hey, I'll take it!

When you grow up eating ice cream like we did in my family, well, it becomes a part of a full balanced meal. Now life is complete.

Speaking of family and ice cream, since this was similar to the "Sparkle" ice cream dad used to love when I was little, it reminded me of that time. Mom and dad had an interesting debate about ice cream. Mom loved (and still loves) Breyer's Natural Vanilla. While dad would have the basic "Sparkle" vanilla. Sparkle was cheaper than the Breyer's and you got about three times more because it came in a large tub! Mom still loved her Breyer's and convinced us kids that Sparkle ice cream was made in the tire factory. I'll never forget that.

Well, tire factory ice cream or not... tonight I just had more Hershey syrup on mine and it went down really nice. Well... went down so nice that I asked for seconds. I was putting my dishes away and the ice cream boy (that's what he was known as by me now) came out and I pulled him aside and whispered, "hey, you got more ice cream?" Okay... so I broke my silence! But for ice cream, who could blame me? ;-)

He did have more... and I got another scoop. I was the only one who got a second scoop but no one else asked! Come on people, if you want something you've got to speak up.... ;-)

Besides, I mean, one scoop of ice cream? That's just cruel? Who stops at one scoop? And for some reason that second scoop tasted so much better and I sat there, with a now nearly empty dinning room, eating most of it by myself.

One thing I did think about, as I was mindfully eating my second scoop of goodness, is that there really is little which needs to be said in this world, but a lot for us to hear. I mean, it's just amazing the things that I am hearing when we all are silent.

Actually, one noise I noticed, which most of my family would agree with (along with my neighbor below me in my condo building), is the sound of my footsteps as I walked down the hall or outside. I walk pretty hard and definitely with a purpose. So, as I'm being silent, I'm trying to consciously walk softer... we'll see how that goes!

7:30 Talk - The Crucifixion

We actually had a cross made out of two long, skinny pieces of drift wood, sitting in the middle of the room with candles surrounding it while our spiritual director spoke. Saw the lights dimmed, candles around, and cross in the middle of the room when I came in and I was thinking "ahhh shit, they tricked me in coming. They're gonna sacrifice them a homo tonight!" Whew... I was spared... no sacrifice ;-)

It was actually a beautiful talk about Jesus Christ, a prophet, a Rabbi, a human, dying on the cross. It wasn't what I expected, what I heard about the crucifixion growing up in a Fundamentalist environment, with that old worn out talk about how we're all sinners and Jesus Christ died for our sins. I mean get a new story already... that one's pretty worn out and it's not really that exciting ;-). No, this talk was about love. Love? How could we talk about love with regards to this man being murdered and hung on a cross? It was about how Jesus Christ still loved while he died on the cross, even those who were responsible.

The other day during our forgiveness talks one of the Sister's read a poem. It was found at the end of World War II in one of the concentration camps next to the child who wrote it and died there:

O Lord
Remember not only the men and women of goodwill,
But all those of ill will.
But do not remember all the suffering
They have inflicted upon us;
Remember the fruits we have bought
Thanks to this suffering -
Our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility,
Our courage, our generosity, the greatness of heart.
Which has grown out of all of this;
And when they come to judgment,
Let all the fruits which we have borne
Be their forgiveness. Amen

I'll say Amen to that... who wouldn't?

Whether or not I follow the teaching of Christianity, believe in God, look to Jesus Christ as my personal savior, it's been really beautiful being welcomed into this family, this community of Catholics and to watch them, and often participate in, their celebration of their faith.

I have to admit now though, starting today around 4pm I felt like the time was going by much slower. I've been thinking about Jordan even more, picturing him in front of me, grabbing him around his waste and with a passionate force lifting him up, slamming his smaller body against the wall with an uncontrollable, powerful expression of my love. Then witness his body gently slide down the structure, until his lips meet mine in an unforgettable kiss. A kiss we have indeed shared before, a beautiful kiss, with just the right mix of passion and care, intensity and patience, just enough lips and just the right amount of tongue. With his eyes always open and locked on mine he kisses me. I can close my eyes right here in my bed and imagine this beautiful kiss that we've shared several times because it's such an amazing connection of passion. Oh how I long for those beautiful blue eyes to be intimately fixed on mine.

I'm holding back from turning my phone on to call him, text or even look at the picture I have of him. Although, I don't need the picture of my phone, the one I have locked into my memory is much better. For when I close my eyes I don't just see a flat picture of this beautiful man, I smell his distinct scent, I can remember what it feels like to touch him - not just the physical aspect but what it does to my body when his naked body is in front of me and I am exploring it, my mouth waters as I recall the taste of his moist lips... I can go there anytime to recall how I feel when I'm with him.

Like I said, love really was what our talk was about tonight, and really it was what many of our talks were about. I have asked myself a question about love many times in the last several years: What is love for me? More so in the last month as I feel like I have been falling in love with Jordan. Although, how can I even say I have been falling in love if I don't have a clear definition of what love is? Perhaps it's just something one feels rather than knows... or one knows because one feels.

I would still like to take this time to explore where I am today with regards to love, as I believe for me, and perhaps others, the characterization of love changes as we change, it evolves as we evolve. To me love is growing, not just from relationship to relationship but growing in the relationship I am in today. Love is understanding, which takes time, patience and a desire for deep listening. Love is sacrifice. When one thing isn't a big deal to me but very important for Jordan, then we can go in his direction. Love is knowing where we currently are and are not in our relationship and being honest about that. This is one thing I have really appreciated with Jordan, he has proven more than I, strong desires to know where we currently are in our relationship by having us each fill out "relationship surveys." He wants to fill these out periodically. I love it! There were actual scores to tally in the end. Mine was 35 and his was 35.5. The only reason he had a .5 score though was because he cheated... so we would have had the same score of 35. How cute is that :-)

Love is also respect and strong communication. I think we both can work on these areas. Hey... it's a new relationship, we have to have something to work on, right?! Well, we have several things to work on... ;-) but back to love. Like I said, it's respect and communication. For my part I need to respect Jordan enough to tell him when I'm hurt and why. Feeling check ins with myself sometimes can be a struggle, but to do so with another, a loved one, to be so vulnerable takes patience and courage within me that I sometimes have a hard time finding. I have both the desire and ability though and it may take a little time but it's coming. I've already shown that I can with Jordan a few times, just last week was one. It just allows for great communication, fewer misperceptions and less drama, which is what I want. I see us going deeper in the communication area and we'll go deeper as we fall more in love.

Day 4

Good morning world. Woke up at 4:30am this morning. I got enough sleep because I went to bed around 9:45pm and took an hour nap yesterday.

I wanted to journal about a dream I had last night. I was on this Navy ship and it was in the water somewhere around Whidbey Island. My mom and family were on the ferry and the ship I was on was near the ferry. In fact, the ferry was fighting with the Navy boat to go where they needed to go. They almost hit each other but the ferry made it ahead.

Also, at some point, back on the navy ship, I saw this cute dog that I started to play with around the ship. Then this cute (every thing's cute in a dream) sailor, with beautiful eyes, came up to me and was telling me about the dog and playing with the dog with me. Then we were flirting with each other. Then we were on dry land all of a sudden and it was obvious he liked me so I told him I had a boyfriend. Then that was pretty much that.

Now I'm back to the ship and how it is fighting with the ferry. But by this time I was watching everything from up in the sky. It was wild how the ferry boat was so stubborn and wouldn't back down. But I was watching from the sky because I was in an old Navy plane with Luciano, who was serving in the US Navy. Then he landed the plane and there were federal agents, who were oddly enough wearing BDU's, and they were chasing the plane as we were landing it. Then we were on the back of a deuce and a half (big truck in the Army) and I was sitting on the end of the back and they were trying to get me as the truck was driving down the runway.

We came to a stop and the federal agents grabbed us. I demanded to know what it all was about. Then one of them pulled out a bag of drugs and said there was 26 grams of some drug in there. We both looked at the bag, then looked at him and told him he was nuts, that it wasn't 26 grams. He seemed corrected, like he knew he was wrong.

Then we were in this room and mom came in to nonchalantly ask what was going on. I told her, "these assholes are holding us and they're trying to say I may have drugs." Mom and I laughed about that. Then I was talking to a federal agent in civies, whom I questioned if he was DEA or who he worked for. He didn't really answer me. I told him to just strip search me so I could get the hell out of there and get the family back to Whidbey. For some reason this whole time they couldn't get back to the Island. He said he had to talk to his boss who happened to be in the next room, love the convenience of dreams. I went there with Luciano and we talked.

The boss seemed less interested in the drug situation and more interested in who I was. We even talked about the Nichols family, who this boss knew. Then it somehow came to me that this entire thing was a set up. It wasn't the DEA, it was the FBI. They wanted to see if I would be a good candidate for the FBI so they wanted to see if I'd crack under pressure. I didn't so they wanted me to go with them to Quantico and train to be an agent. I told them I'd give it a shot. What does it all mean? ;-) I like to analyze my dreams but damn... this one is pretty crazy.

I'm also reading a book this morning that I brought on the retreat. It's called "Be," by A.C. Ping. I read it a long time ago and decided to read it once again. In section two (there are three sections) Ping quotes Gandhi with regards to happiness, he says, "happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." I like that.

That's the end of my journal entries. I think the biggest thing I got out of the retreat this past weekend is that meditation and being more aware of everything in my life really brings a calm, peaceful sense within... I want that back.

Also, I realize there is just so much talking in the world that we (and I very much mean me included) forget to listen. When we speak less, we hear things we didn't realize were even there.

After getting home and starting to unpack this is what I found in my bag:

looks like I won't be going on another long trip without Fin and Joy in the future ;-) And perhaps Jordan can come along :-)

Face of Hope

2011-01-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was volunteering at the King County Crisis Clinic when my fellow phone workers and I heard of the Arizona shooting where Rep. Giffords and others were either wounded or killed. What I found interesting was that the calls which I and fellow volunteers received yesterday were more unusual than average. We are not at liberty to discuss the details of our calls, for privacy reasons, however many of the calls were from people who were more upset, disturbed and troubled than usual. I don't know if something was in the air yesterday or what, but I do believe that there has been a dramatic shift in the way people treat others, treat themselves, and treat any living being they come across and perhaps this shift away from civility is impacting each person and our society in dramatic ways.

Let me flash back for a moment. I remember one day when I was an early teen, and another boy who was an older teen was driving both of us from my house to a friend's place. While racing down a back road on Whidbey Island we both saw a cat crossing the street. What he did is hard for me to even write as I recall the event. He increased the speed of the car, aggressively jerked the wheel toward this cat and ran the poor animal, someones loving pet, over. What would possess someone to do such a thing?

I don't know the answer. However, I do believe that the more we in society disconnect ourselves from each other, from a bond with animals that we should share the planets limited space with and from mother earth herself, then the easier it is for each of us to commit heinous acts like the one I mentioned above and the example of this troubled 22 year old shooter from yesterday.

There was a great 20 minute or longer press conference with Sheriff Dupnik of Pima County, where this incident took place, who spoke about the hateful messages that radio and TV commentators start and perpetuate. Here is a short clip of the end of his message:

What I believe is so true is what he said at the end, after being questioned by the reporter, that people who are unbalanced are especially susceptible to vitriol. We can't expect to have politicians say there are "second amendment remedies" to her opponent winning a fair election, or another have actual bulls eye targets over candidates (as one was placed over Rep. Giffords district) or any other words of hate and fear based speeches without realizing that this type of politics has consequences.

I think as long as hateful speak, fear tactics and misleading and incorrect information has a market it will be seen all over our media. What we have to do as individuals is turn off Fox News, turn off MSNBC, turn off CNN, turn off the radio shows, when any one of them makes hateful claims or simply presents the news in a biased, dishonest manner. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into this disgusting drama.

With all the important discussion of the attempted assassination attempt on the Congresswoman's life I think attention has been taken from another victim, unfortunately who passed away at the hospital because of a shot to her chest, who was only 9 years old. The beautiful girl, Christina, was born on 9/11/2001. She was one of many babies featured in a book called "Faces of Hope," with other children who were born on 9/11.

Her father said something to the effect of "she came into this world on a day of tragedy... and she has excited now in a tragic way." Her mother said she wants her "memory to live on... she is a face of hope, face of change, of coming together as a country. [We need] to stop the violence and hatred and evil words and for us to just bring awareness that there's people out there who have these problems and we have to protect our government officials and our innocent young children.... it's not right, it has to stop."

I titled this entry "Face of Hope," in memory of those who were killed, with thoughts of those who were injured and for hope toward a better future. Here is a picture of the 9 year old girl:

I don't know that I have the best solutions to the questions, I don't even know that I know the best questions to ask, however a conversation about this needs to occur. I do feel that there is something each one of us can do and that is to be present and aware of each word we speak. Are we speaking with hate, anger, fear, frustration or are we speaking out of love, understanding, acceptance, and with patience?

If each one of us would take responsibility for ourselves, act with loving-kindness toward our fellow human, our animals and our planet, such a simple request, then we would move our world of too much evil and hatred toward a more peaceful, connected and loving environment.

Mazunte, Oaxaca, Mexico

2010-10-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a vacation to Mazunte, Oaxaca in Mexico. My friend, Raymond (aka Koru), has been living down there with his boyfriend Waldo for two years. I have wanted to go down to Mexico to see him for some time. I'm happy I finally got to.

Waldo and Raymond (in that order)

Although I probably wouldn't have visited Mexico this year, and maybe never would have gone to Mazunte in my life, I'm happy that I was able to more than just for seeing my friend.

Day One (9/9/2010):

At the beginning of yoga the instructor typically advises the students, "Think of an intention for this class and come back to it as we progress through the moves." On my flight down, first from Seattle to Phoenix, I thought about my intention for this trip. My intention was really simple actually, I wanted to relax. I wanted a break from my often routine yet sometimes chaotic life. I wanted to shut everything off and just be. I felt it would be easy to do that in a rural part of Mexico.

I didn't have a lot of expectations or plans for the trip. I told Raymond that I wanted to read some books that I would bring, write in my journal, sit on the beach and swim. I also wanted to spend some time in the outdoors because he said there were beautiful areas of nature to explore. Having very little on my "agenda" was the best thing for me.

I also wanted to leave myself open and adventurous to meeting guys. I figured everyone meets people while on vacation, so if I meet someone to just go with what I feel like going with in that moment.

Then I arrived in Phoenix.

Not even to Mexico yet. Here I am, in the airport, waiting for my flight from Phoenix to Mexico City. While waiting with the crowd of passengers I saw one outlet near the window. I hurriedly made my way to it, as one of the plugs in the outlet was already taken, and used the other open receptacle to charge my iPhone. Although I decided I would turn my phone and Internet capability off for the trip (I used the Internet sparingly to make sure there wasn't anything important for work or personal emails) I still wanted to use the phone for the music.

I sat on the ground because the only chairs which were near the outlet were being used by the woman who was also charging her phone. She was passed out on the chairs but woke when her phone rang.

We spoke briefly about out travels. She was heading to Boise, ID for a job interview. Toward the end of sharing our life stories I saw this man who I previously saw, because he was physically beautiful, but now noticed he was paying more attention to me than the computer he had open and in front of him.

Like I said... not even in Mexico, and the beautiful men are coming out.

He was making it obvious that he liked me, with his intrusive stare, but I kept chatting with this woman as I found her story interesting. Although, I did continue looking back at my admirer, flashing him a sweet and innocent smile periodically. Finally, I guess he couldn't take it anymore, and he broke the distance of about 20 meters. He walked right up to me, "Hi." Great.... finally a guy who is outgoing and seems to go for what he wants. I have felt lately that I'm always making the first moves with guys. Well, I know I am very outgoing and maybe my deal is that I could hold back a bit and allow space for this to happen more - for guys to approach me. (Mental note made for next counseling session).

This guy, we'll call him Issac, sat right next to me as the woman I was speaking to was getting ready to leave anyways. We spoke briefly about our travels and I found out that he was going back home to Mexico City. When he realized that I had a 12 hour layover in his home town he invited me to stay at his place, rather than stay the night in the airport. All I could think about was my mom, she said, "Don't leave the airport when you're in Mexico City, it'll be the safest place." I wasn't planning on leaving the airport either, I was just going to curl up on the floor, hanging on to my belongings, and take a nap over night. Now I had another option. I told him I would think about it. He was flying in First Class and said he would come back to where I was sometime after takeoff.

We boarded, I walked by him in First Class and we exchanged smiles. However, one of the Flight Attendants had locked his eyes on me the second I stepped foot on the plane as if I was his prey and he was about to attack. Okay down boys... I haven't even made it to Mexico yet. I made my way through the petting zoo, I mean meat market (they haven't touched me yet), and found my seat. Each flight of my trip the airline offered me an emergency row, which my long legs appreciated.

We were up in the air making our way to Mexico City and the flight attendants started making their rounds for drinks. The guy who was checking me out when I boarded, of course came to me first. He didn't even try small talk, just tried to get me drunk by asking "you want some alcohol?"

"No thanks," I replied.

"You sure... you get it free" he winked.

"I don't drink very much," I told him. I may drink on my trip but damn, I don't need to start right now on the plane.

Then he opened the snacks drawer, priced from $3-$7 for each one, and added "You can have what ever you want." Now baby... I didn't realize you were offering free treats. I wasn't greedy though, I only took a small can of Pringles. A good snack that actually lasted nearly through my entire vacation.

We spoke briefly about my upcoming vacation and then I told him that I had a 12 hour layover in Mexico City. He offered to let me stay at his hotel, the Hilton, to get a good nights sleep - I'm sure he was offering just so I could get a good rest. I told him that this other guy, whom I pointed out, offered his place. The Flight Attendant, we'll call Sammy, asked "Do you know him?" Well, no, I told him but that wasn't the point. He was attractive :-)

Then Sammy handed me my water and convinced me that maybe I should reconsider going home with this guy because he could kidnap me. Although, I'm sure unlikely, Sammy did have a point. It was safer to go to the hotel with Flight Attendants rather then home with the fellow passenger. I told Sammy that I would think about it and prior to him leaving he told me "I'm trying to get you moved to First Class. I'll come back." Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about.

Now, I'm surprised about this entire scene. He's spending all of this time with me, the first passenger to get drink and food, while others are still waiting... also, clearly flirting with me in this space that doesn't allow us much privacy. And when he said "I'll come back" it wasn't after he served everyone on the plane. He left the cart right next to me, while his co-worker was on the other side serving those folks (another gay man whom I realized later was used to his co-workers shenanigans) and walked up to First Class. I saw him speaking to the third and final Flight Attendant, yes also gay, and then made his way back. I was moved to first class. The flight attendant there, Teddy, said "You're an Executive, if anyone asks." Sure, I thought.... what the hell. I'm not great at lying but I'll give it a shot.

The leg room was much nicer then the emergency row! Also, now I was close to Issac and could continue chatting. He was surprised to see me first of all and then I explained. I also told him that I wasn't sure I would go home with. He was very sweet but tried over and over, through the entire 2 1/2 hour flight, to convince me that I should come back to his place. However, in the end, I realized that I would play it a little safer and although I thought he was sexier than the flight attendants, I would go back with them. I'm happy I did. I did get Issac's contact information and look forward to keeping in touch though.

The plane was about to land and Sammy came up to me and said to just wait until everyone got off the plane then we'd leave. I followed the three Flight Attendants and two pilots through the airport. We were coming up to the first customs check point and Sammy turned to me and said, "Just go with what I say." Okay...

There was a long line to the left for everyone to wait in order to see a Customs Officer, however, Sammy, the rest of the guys, and I walked over to the right where there were open agents waiting for only airline employees. Sammy went first and then told the officer, while pointing back to me, "This guys with me." The officer looked quickly at my passport, took the form I filled out on the airline and said, "Thanks."

Then the next check point we all just walked right through without saying anything. Then the final check point the lady was a little snappy but let me go right through with everyone too. It was pretty cool to fly through customs so quick.

While walking through the airport though I noticed one of the pilots kept looking at me. He seemed straight, so he wasn't checking me out, he was just giving me that look, like trying to figure out the situation. Probably wondering how much I cost ;-) ha ha - just joking. I don't get paid ;-)

Since he was looking pretty intensely every time I looked back at him I whispered to Sammy, "You think the pilots are wondering why I'm here?"

"No, they're used to us doing this" he responded. Too funny!

We split from the pilots and then met up with our chauffeur. Yes... they get a private chauffeur to the hotel. Now I've figured out why the airlines are charging for check on luggage.

We were brought to the hotel and got settled in our room. Each of them had a separate room and I was staying with Sammy. Two beds in the room. Will two beds be needed?

Sammy, Teddy and I got together after they showered and headed out to gay clubs in Mexico City. We didn't need a taxi, the private chauffeur was not just for the airport to hotel trip, he was there for the entire night. He brought us to a gay club which was in an area that had a long strip of clubs, all gay and lesbian.

Both guys have been to most of these clubs before. They wanted to show me one particular club, Lollipop, which seemed to be the most popular one that evening. We walked in and they took me down the hallway to the left. It started to get darker the further down the hallway we moved. Then we entered this room, which had like a glass box about 3 x 3 meters (10 x 10 feet) positioned in the wall next to the room we were in so those in the room we were in could view whatever was happening in this glassed off section. Sammy told me that guys have sex in the room we were in while watching guys having sex in this glass area. Interesting - live porn. We were there too early and during a weekday so no live sex. Darn it! That would have been fun to see.

We walked upstairs, they got drinks and we walked around. Then I decided to dance. I danced with Teddy because Sammy was too shy. Although I was sober when I am around others who are drunk I seem to catch it. My shirt came flying off at one point. Hey, I'm on vacation!

Okay.... guess that can't be excused away by the fact that I was on vacation, as that's happened in Seattle. I ended up dancing a bit with Thomas but also with a crowd of guys and two girls there. This one guy started to get all over me, even though I think he was there with who seemed to be his boyfriend. He started to lick me from head to belly button, up and down. Then made it very clear, not with words, that he wanted in my pants. A little too much for me. I turned back to the two girls - safe choice.

We decided to only stay for an hour, just because we were all tired and wanted a pretty good nights sleep. We grabbed some snacks from a street vendor, a hot dog from another vendor and then the chauffeur had arrived. We headed back to the hotel, all three made our way to Sammy's room, and then chatted for a bit. We all stayed the night in that room... we'll leave it at that.

That was just day one!

Day Two:

Got up about 7am to get ready while Sammy still slept (Teddy went back to his room at some point in the night). Then when I was out of the shower Sammy was up and decided to go with me to the airport. Too sweet. He brought me to the airport in a cab and wouldn't take money from me for the cab back (where was that damn chauffeur at! :-))

He did have breakfast with me though. While at breakfast we talked about all of the guys he's been with since he's had this job (several years). More guys than he could count. He had some good stories.

He helped me even talk to the airline about getting me set for my next flight, which helped because I didn't have to wait in a long line, and then sent me off to the correct gate. It was a very sweet thing from a man I just met the night before and will probably never see again.

I was off to Huatulco. Just a little over an hour flight. I was so excited while on the plane to get to Mazunte but first to see my friend Raymond AND meet his boyfriend Waldo for the first time.

View from the plane of the beautiful surrounding area of Huatulco

When we started to land I looked out the window and was taken away. Lush green as far as I could see, with mountains painted in the background to the north and beautiful ocean to the south. Then we started to get closer to the airport and I swear it looked like we were landing on the Jurastic Park Island. It was a small airport, one strip, with lush forest all around and cute hut like buildings as the terminal. It was a perfect scene to start my trip to this rural area of Mexico.

View of the one runway

When I landed Raymond and Waldo were right there waiting for me. I gave Raymond a big hug, which lasted a little while, then he introduced me to Waldo (who doesn't speak much English). I first thought he was attractive but over the week found him to be kind and respectful as well. A great man for my friend.

We drove 45 minutes back to Mazunte in a car Raymond borrowed from a friend of his in town, Reginna. She owns the restaurant we went to have lunch at. However, before arriving to lunch we were stopped at an Army check point. We all had to get out of the car, open our bags and allow our personal belongings to be searched. It was a little odd, but Raymond explained that they search for drugs and also watch out for kidnappings. Good thing!

Raymond, Reginna and Waldo - ordering lunch.

Chilaquiles was on the menus for lunch - 35 pesos each (about $3)

After a good meal Raymond helped me get checked into the place I would call home for the next 6 nights. I thought originally I would have to leave on Thursday the 16th but ended up staying until Friday the 17th (I'll explain later where I stayed that last night :-)).

My Hotel

My room, as you will seen below, had a hammock and a hammock bed. The hammock bed was a small rectangular bed, with rope holding it up from the ceiling. When you climb on in it starts swinging. Great for someone who gets motion sickness AND who rolls around in his sleep. Although, it ended up being fun and after the first night I started to get used to it.

Hammock to the left and Hammock bed to the right, the only other things in the room were a safe and fan. Love the simplicity.

This is my room above the cafeteria.

The view from the cafeteria and after walking down from my place. I feel asleep to the waves pounding up on the beach, it was wonderful.

Then a walk along the beach. This is definitely one of the things I came for.

Beach in front of my "hotel"

Day Three:

The best part of the trip? Well, besides seeing my friend Raymond and meeting Waldo, came on my first morning in Mazunte. I woke up, got my shorts on with no shirt, and stumbled down to the cafeteria underneath my room. I was checking out the menu here:

Menu at Cafeteria

I was trying to ask in Spanish what the "cuernitos de crema o chocolate" was. I'm sure I was screwing up the pronunciation, but I knew the word "chocolate" was probably "chocolate." :-) That was my focus. When I was trying to ask about it this girl to the left, short Asian girl, said in English "oh, that's the chocolate croissant, it's the best ever. You have to try it." Rita was her name.... we became instant friends because of her sound advice.

Here was the croissant:

I couldn't even wait to take a picture of the croissant in its entirety. I ripped the piece off the right side, took a bite and then snapped the shot. The chocolate and bread combination seriously made the best croissant I have ever had. I can taste it now as I write thinking about the warm crusted bread with soft inside. The drizzling dark chocolate loaded in the middle of this pastry. I had one every morning I was there, except the morning when they were out of them :( (I had two the second to last morning in Mazunte.)

While waiting for Raymond and Waldo to arrive I decided to start my full day of vacationing in Mazunte off right, I went to the beach which was right in front of my place. This was pretty much routine for each morning that followed. I would lay on the beach, reading my book and drinking a lot of water, then take a dip in the ocean and try to body surf.

Oh yeah.... with my gay ass towel :-)

Then later when Raymond and Waldo showed up I went with them to run some errands. We went to the local lavanderia. I just hung back observing.

Front Office

Dryer out back

Toting laundry home

Raymond and Waldo's home

After dropping off the laundry we grabbed a cab to a town 15-20 minutes away. We wanted to take a bus up to the mountains for the night. The taxi's stuff as many people in the front and back as they can. I had to take a picture of the guys up front (The driver, Raymond, and some random passenger):

Taxi Ride

What I thought was interesting about every time we rode in a vehicle was that nobody wore a seat belt. Not like a few people, or most people didn't wear one, I literally never saw one person put on a seat belt. I thought that was pretty awesome. I love driving without my seat belt... I hate when the darn car buzzes at me though! Then the other thing I learned in Mexico City actually was that you don't really have to follow the traffic lights. If it's late at night or no one is around you can either yield or look both ways after stopping before proceeding at a red light. It's kind of a common sense thing. I actually did this a few days after being back in Seattle. Luckily no cops were around :-)

We drove about 2 and 1/2 hours up this windy road through the fog and faster than we should have been going (60 in a 30 kph). Luckily Raymond and I bought some Dramazine and took that before we left so neither one of us got sick. The further we climbed up into the mountains the more it looked like Seattle. Then we got to our destination and this is what I saw:

San Jose del Pacifico

Rain... fog... chill... greenery.... I was home. :-) Well.... not quite, but this was our home for one night:

Our cabin with view

Inside the cabin: Fireplace, TV, AND a bathroom!!!! And.... wait for it... wait for it.... hot water!!!!!

Now one may ask, "Why go to a place where the climate and topography are similar to Seattle." Good question.... why the hell did you take me here Raymond! :-) Ha... just joking. San Jose is a town which is pretty much built off of the mushroom business. Now boys and girls we're not talking about the mushrooms your mom makes you eat at the dinner table (hopefully your mom's not making you eat these ones) we're talking about grown ups mushrooms. Mushrooms your mom and dad do when you go to bed to check out from reality for a few moments.

Before even coming to Mazunte to see Raymond and Waldo, Raymond told me that they wanted to go to the mountains and do mushrooms. Apparently, as he told me, mushrooms are legal in Mexico and San Jose was the place to do them. Given that I have never done any illegal drug in my life, I figured if I did some of the mushrooms I can still hold that status of "never having done any illegal drug in my life." For some reason that is important to me - the perfectionist in me perhaps.

We went up to the store, just above where our cabin was, and Raymond bought a mushroom tea for him and "a family" of other mushrooms for Waldo. While Raymond was drinking his tea and Waldo was munching on his shrooms they both offered me some. At first I declined. I didn't really care to get all "f'ed" up. However, then I thought, "let me try some." I took a couple sips of Raymonds tea and then a small bit of one of Waldo's mushrooms. Besides the fact that chewing on that mushroom tasted like dirt, it wasn't so bad.

About 30 minutes into the experience Raymond started to show effects of the mushrooms. He started giggling like a little school girl. Well... a little school girl who's momma accidentally sprinkled her remaining crack into the girl's bowl of rice crispies, rather than sugar. He was messed up. He was laughing so hard that I had to pull out my camera and film it. I would love to show you all that video, however, out of respect for Raymond I won't. Yes... he was that out of it!

Waldo showed some signs, but not much. He was laughing too and I think he said the colors were more vivid. We were all laying on the bed together chatting and then I started feel like the walls came in a little, but not much. Then I started to giggle at Raymond's laughing and I just kept giggling. I don't know if that was an effect of the shrooms or just me - as I do often giggle. That was all I felt. I didn't have too much of the mind altering drugs, but enough to say I did it.

Day Four:

We had a beautiful night in the warm cabin. We used all of our wood in the fireplace and had a lovely evening all cuddled up on the king sized bed. In the morning we all took turns taking a much appreciated warm shower. Then we went up to the restaurant up the hill and had the best hot chocolate ever:

Hot chocolate and Waldo

It wasn't the best hot chocolate ever because of the large cup... or more like soup bowl, which it came in. It was great chocolate! The real stuff I imagine.

We had a lovely breakfast. I ate way too much. I had eggs, bacon, pancakes and something else. I didn't eat half of it but still it was too much for my little tummy.

We checked out of our place and made our way to the bus stop. Now, remember coming up the mountain we were going 60kph in a 30kph zone. Well, in this little bus we rode in, we were going 80kph around many of the turns and twists going back down. Even the Dramazine couldn't help me.

I made it about an hour into the 2 1/2 hour trip before I started to feel like I couldn't hold it down anymore. I was sitting directly behind the driver and luckily had a window which was open about a foot or two in front of me to the left. I felt my eggs coming up and leaned forward.

But I didn't make it. At least not all of the way.

I upchucked all over the back of the driver's seat, but it was continuing to come out as I was still in motion toward the open window. The spray started on the back of the driver's seat, egg ended up on the floor of the bus, liquid oozed down the inside wall and chunks landed around the seal that held the window in when closed. About 80% of it ended up in the vehicle while the rest I managed to get outside. Not the best ratio, but as Raymond later said, "it was the driver's fault for his crappy driving."

What was interesting to me is that no body seemed to care, notice or bat an eye. Raymond did call out to me, "Andy, you okay? Need to stop?" I said I was fine. I thought it was interesting that the rest of the passengers (about 8 of them) didn't appear to be phased. However, I kind of appreciated it because I was embarrassed. I cleaned up what I could with the few napkins in my backpack. Then I sat back in my seat thinking "thank God that's over," and drank more water.

30 minutes later.

It wasn't over. I first realized that my window opened in the front area, where it was already open, but also in the back of the window where my head rested against the seat. I opened this section of the window which gave me a much appreciate breeze and access which I would soon need.

This time when I felt it initially wanting to come up I didn't give it a second before I threw the upper portion of my body out the window. I didn't just want my head hanging out, I wanted as much of my body out so I could get my head away from the vehicle and attempt to not spray the side with my breakfast. Well... my breakfast half digested.

It didn't work.

I threw up, this time even more (note to self: smaller meals before driving mountain roads) and I saw much of the contents splatter against the side of the mini bus. What I didn't see, which Waldo filled me in on later, was that much of my puck ended up back in the bus.

How could this be I questioned.

Well, I was in the middle of the short bus, there were two rows of seats behind me. The girl directly behind me had her window halfway open. I didn't realize at the time but some of my goods ended up splattering in her hair. Thankfully... she was asleep. Waldo watched the entire thing, then slowly, with no one else noticing, closed her window.

Good thing he did too because I had one more episode before this series was over. And why not right? Third times a charm. And it sure was. The best ever. My body was about half way out of the large gifted buses window, but it didn't help, the outside was covered.

I was so happy when that trip down the mountain was over. Get me back to the ocean :-)

Day Five:

WATER!!!

I drank so much water while there. Of course, when you travel from the United States you can’t drink the tap water because you could easily get sick. Therefore I always made sure I had plenty of water on hand. This picture shows three different bottles – small, medium and large – sitting on the counter with one medium size bottle already in the garbage. I went through at least three of those medium sized bottles of water each day. Everywhere I went I would always have at least a medium bottle with me but often times I would have two, one which would be my backup. I did not like being without water for myself, Raymond and Waldo.

Here I saw everyone gathered around this boat in front of my hotel wondering what they were doing:

This is what was in the boat:

It stunk to high hell. I stayed long enough to watch him cut the fish (I believe Raymond told me it was a Swordfish) and then I left. I am so sensitive to smells that it was getting to my head.

For a late breakfast or an early lunch we went across the street from my hotel to a friend of Raymond and Waldo’s restaurant. This friend, Erik, was from Quebec and just like Raymond and Waldo, opened up a restaurant in Mazunte and has no plans on leaving anytime soon.

Raymond, Waldo and Erik

Prior to Raymond and Waldo opening up their restaurant, Kumbala, we had to get some groceries in the nearby town. We took a taxi truck which was fun.

Raymond enjoying the ride to the market

Sporting my "Barack n' Roll" shirt at the market

Remember the laundry mat that Raymond and Waldo used back in Mazunte? When we were back in our town I had laundry to pick up from being dropped off earlier in the day. I was happy to get fresh clean clothes!

And then there is Kumbala.

Waldo and Raymond at restaurant Café Kumbala

Raymond washing the dishes

Waldo and Raymond preparing the restaurant to open for dinner

This is Raymond and Waldo’s restaurant. One of my favorite parts of the trip was eating the food they cooked. It was so good! And Raymond made me try something new, an avocado milkshake. At first I thought that he was crazy. However, I love avocado, I love milkshakes, why not try them together? Besides, Raymond wasn’t going to let me go without having tried one. It was the best! It was simple too: avocado, milk, ice and sugar.

Brownie, Avocado Milkshake and Journal - all a boy like me needs

Day Six:

Around 7am the next morning I took a stroll around my hotel property. Up top, above the hill and right over the beach, there were hammock beds traveler's could rent for just a few dollars a night. I caught this beautiful sunset behind the beds:

Then Raymond had a special treat for me. He set up a tour with a guy he knows for a good price. We had some time before the boat tour started so we walked out on the rocks and played near the water:

Waldo walking out to rocks

Waldo and Raymond - beautiful men

Our boat and tour guide

Me, Raymond and the rest of the gang

Raymond pointing out the sights to Waldo

Turtles making love.... wait a second, the both have a penis :-)

Perhaps these turtles were heterosexual... however, the tour guide said the day before he did see three turtles getting it on!

Then we came up to the best part of the tour. Dolphins! The tour guide brought us way out into the ocean and was making a Dolphin mating call or something. All of a sudden Dolphins were surrounding our boat and swimming with us.

Flipper?

Boys looking at dolphins.... Andy looking at boys butts!

Then... better than seeing the dolphins was jumping in to snorkel with them. I didn't get a chance to touch them, which is probably good, but I was swimming along and saw a pod of about 10 swim about 3 meters (10 feet) under me. I would have dove but I didn't have any time at all. It was great to at least swim along the surface watching the beautiful creators swimming along.

Swimming with the dolphins

On the way back into home base we motored by a plane which had crashed landed years ago. The story, as far as I remember it to be, was that the plane was occupied by drug dealers from Columbia. They crashed there and the Mexican authorities took them in and snorted all the crack. Ha.. just joking, I imagine they confiscated the drugs! It's cool how they left he plane there.

The plane boss... the plane!

After the great tour of the Pacific Ocean we decided to do another, private, tour. This one of the nearby nude gay beach! Yay!

We got a ride in another taxi truck. This one was too full, as you can see:

Waldo and Raymond - standing room only

No where for me to go.... oh wait:

Okay... even standing room was full - so another guy and I hung out the back. Too fun!

The nude beach was two towns away in Zipolite. After eating we made our way down the beach.

The long walk to the privacy for the nudist

There were two sections of this beach. The one to the left was a little more scandalous, with an older gay man waiting in the water like a shark for the cute gay boys coming by, this is that one:

The current was strong here

The other section was, to the right or just first when you came off of the trail. It was where most people hung out:

I went left. :-)

I was all about having fun and not looking back.

But then I played around a little on the right side too. There was this cool rock out there that was surrounded by about 3-5 feet of water (depended on where the waves were). I decided to do some naked yoga on there, which I can't show those pictures, but this one is cool. If it were cropped just right it would look like I was surfing the wave:

Riding the wave

After playing in the water I did go back to the left side. The private area... and well, sure, I played a little more :-) Don't have pictures of that kind of playing!

Then something happened.

About an hour after hanging out on the left side of the beach and eventually being by myself over there, someone else showed up.

5'10", 165lbs, beautiful heavy eyes, confident and secure posture, beautiful dark skin. I didn't realize at first that this was the guy I was checking out my first day in Mazunte. He shaved his facial hair and I think cut the hair on his head, so he looked different. Sexy still... but different.

I came out of the strong current, which was pulling me back and forth, and made my way to this sexy man. Stark ass naked, I had to focus on the beauty of the nature surrounding this swimming area rather than the man in front of me, I didn't want to show too much enthusiasm.

I shamelessly walked right up to him, even though I was naked and he had shorts on, and said, "Hola ¿Hablas Ingles?" He did. It made it much easier.

Luciano, was his name. When he told me his name I didn´t understand at first. I don't know if I was lost in the beauty of his words and the way they escaped his lushish lips or if I was truly just lost because I wasn't picking up the English through his heavy accent - either way, he decided to write out his name in the air. I'm a visual learner so this helped.

Standing there naked, and him with shorts, I thought it was completely unfair. I tried and tried to get him to take off his shorts and he declined. I'm happy he did. Perhaps it was his shyness, perhaps it was his modesty, perhaps it was his security in him knowing what he wanted and not letting me influence or alter that - what ever it was I found his confident strength very appealing.

Raymond and Waldo made their way over to this section of the beach while the two of us were talking and I introduced the three to each other. I made my way back in the water as Raymond and Luciano spoke in Spanish. I watched the two speaking as the waves came crashing in, pushing me closer to the shore and then pulling me back out into the next wave. Eventually one big wave came crashing in and it pushed me all of the way back up to Luciano and, maybe with a little help from myself, the water washed me right up in front of him. Perfect! However, he moved to the side. Hmmmm.... playing hard to get or was he not interested in the likes of this American (or as he later taught me, United Statian, as we are both from America).

I continued to play in the water, while Luciano and Raymond spoke their secret language, and I thought this sexy man wasn't interested in me. How could that be? (smile).

After Raymond left Luciano and I chatted a little more, on and off, as I went from the natural wave machine to land. Then I put all of my eggs in one basket and told him, "I want to take you to dinner tonight. You free?"

He was free and seemed pleased I asked. Our first date was set!

When back in Mazunte we ended up walking up to Punta Cometa. This is where Raymond and Waldo took me my first night in Mazunte. Luciano and I realized that we were going to be late to the sunset so when we were halfway up the trail we decided to run the last half. We made it just in time to hold each other and soak in the beautiful sunset:

Sunset at Punta Cometa

I loved the different colors that were created in the sky, around the clouds and across the ocean. The picture doesn't do it justice.

Luciano and I shared more of our stories with each other. Then, right there with the sunset in the background, I turned to him and looked into his beautiful dark eyes. I comforted his head softly in my right hand and we moved our heads together to join with a sweet and simple kiss. A loving kiss.

Nothing was questioned in the moment. I allowed my judgements to not even arise, while my heart and soul ran with the feeling. We kissed again.

I melted into this mans warm embrace again as we watched the colors changing in the sky all around us. Him holding me, me holding him - versatile holders.

A very attentive man. When it was just him and I, he made it feel like it was just him and I. And when we were eating at Raymonds restaurant later, surrounded by other people and distractions, he made it feel like it was just him and I. I love that.

I've met a few different guys while on my trip so far but I didn't connect with any of them like Luciano. While spending the first two days together I forgot about the fact that I was leaving in no time at all. There was something about his eyes. You can tell a lot about a man by looking into his eyes right?

He was comfortable with gazing into my eyes as I gazed into his. Sitting across the table during our first meal together at Kumbala, we would gaze into each other's eyes as we periodically flirted with each other.

He did help me see something that I want (perhaps need) in a lover. In a man that I call my partner, more appropriately. This element of letting go. I have only started to learn how to let go of things and I know there will be more learning. There is a beauty in letting go of expectations, letting go of control, letting go of fear. Just being. Being with the moment. I felt Luciano was really able to be present with the moments that we shared together. Lost in the passion that we shared. Vulnerable, to an extent, in the openness of our dialogue. Sincere in our interactions together and with others.

When I lived in Germany, and then Spain. I thought this was something unique to European men. I thought it was European men who were able to connect on a deeper level beyond the physical. Bond emotionally, spiritually and mentally... as well as a beautiful, passionate physical connection. However, I realized while spending time in Mexico, and specifically with Luciano, that I have yet to spend much time in all of America (outside of the US). Perhaps what I felt first in Europe, with the men having a "special" ability to connect with other men, wasn't something specific to Europe, it's more something that just men outside of the US have. I'm not saying that all men in the US lack this ability... I just think many men in the US perhaps lack the ability to let go and allow themselves to be vulnerable and free of fear while exploring a loving and/or lustful connection.

I asked Luciano to come back to my place. I kept saying, at the end of our dinner, "we're not going to have sex." I think he got kind of annoyed with me after probably the third time I said this and so I told him the truth about why I was saying it over and over, "I'm saying it more for me not for you. I need to convince myself I'm not going to sleep with you." I liked him. If I like someone I don't want to have sex immediately. I want to get to know him. Crazy to "want to get to know" someone whom I would be leaving in a few days and possibly never see again? Hmmm... not sure. I just know that's what I wanted. I wanted to spend quality time with him that first night without sex having to be in the picture. Sex often times complicates things.

He came back to my place after we finished our avocado milkshake (thanks Raymond). We actually walked hand in hand down one of the dirt streets. However, given that it was about 10pm, there was hardly anyone out on the streets. The only people we ran into were more foreigners.

We got to my place and he settled into the hammock as I took out my contacts and prepared for bed:

Luciano looking sexy

Laying next to him, in the actual hammock bed, (which was hard enough for me to sleep in because of it's short Mexican size) was still nice. Just to have him by my side. Him snuggling up to me, me then snuggling up to him, it was beautiful. We looked into each other's eyes as we shared stories and although I didn't want us to have sex that first night, I felt like I wanted to share with him that I was living with HIV.

I kind of danced around the topic for a little bit until he knew that I was wanting to tell him something and he basically said "spit it out." I was nervous to tell him because, from my limited experience with men from South America they have talked about how people there don't understand HIV and fear it, as well as homosexuality though. I still wanted to tell him. I said, "I want to tell you something, just because I want to be honest with you and I feel like telling you.... I have HIV." He said, "I know." I was confused. But then he explained that he just had a feeling that I was living with HIV. Whether it was because he saw me taking my meds or something else, I'm not sure, but he said he just had this feeling. It was great to receive such a calm reaction from him. I was very happy. Then we rolled around some more, kissing, and then eventually passed out holding each other.

There were a few times when he and I both woke up in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning to grab each other and pull the other back into the warmth of our bodies. Then, when I woke up at one point, I asked him "what time is it?" It was about 2am. I said, "well... it's not night anymore. I did say I didn't want to have sex the first night." Paying attention to details right!

Day Seven:

Woke up side by side with Luciano. It felt great. We had a little breakfast, yes the chocolate croissants, and then set off for our day.

Prior to taking off to see Raymond and Waldo, whom I knew would be in bed, Luciano wanted to show me around the hostel where he worked.

Here he was at the bar. He said he was slightly upset in this picture... I think he looks hot:

Then I wanted to spend more time with Raymond and Waldo as Luciano worked. The boys and I went to their friend's restaurant just in the next town over. Massimo, who is from Italy, had a beautiful restaurant:

Raymond, Waldo and Maximo

Massimo's restaurant

Menu - breakfast on the left

Then it was back off to the nude beach again. This time we were going to try out the nude beach on the West side. Supposedly that was the straight nude beach but there were more gays there!

That wave is coming right for me

While spending a few hours at this nude beach, getting my fanny tan, I met a guy who spoke little English but he made it very clear what he wanted. This man, Nicolas, was from Chile and very sexy. A nice body, stunning eyes and a beautiful face. He was there with a couple other guys. After I was playing (yes, I'm always playing) in the water for a little while they all decided to join me and Raymond and Waldo.

We were going back and forth with the waves and then Nicolas kept getting closer to me as he was looking at me like he wanted some of me. He was making it very clear he wanted to have me. I was checking him out too, sure, but honestly I couldn't stop thinking about this man I met yesterday - Luciano.

While I was out in the water, distracted by thoughts of Luciano I'm sure, Nicolas must have decided that his seductive stares weren't good enough. He came right up to me while I was out in about 4 feet of water and grabbed my package. I mean, he grabbed the complete package. I kind of moved back. Perhaps this was how gay men greeted each other in Chile... or... more likely, he clearly wanted me. Honestly, if I hadn't of met Luciano, I would have been all over Nicolas. However, that wasn't the case. I met Luciano and it wasn't that I was committed to him in any formal sense, it was just that there was something I like about the man and I couldn't get him off my mind. Not that I wanted to either.

Nicolas ended up leaving soon after the ball grabbing scenario. I guess he wasn't getting what he wanted so there was no reason to stay around. I continued playing out in the water and then let the waves wash me into shore. I laid out all butt ass naked letting the sun burn me for a little before it was time to go.

Then we explored this meditation center Raymond wanted to show me just up the hill from the nude beach.

Raymond standing and Waldo in the hammock

Waldo and Raymond - being silly

Meditation Center with chant in the background

When the three of us got back to Mazunte Raymond and Waldo were tired and wanted to take a nap. I was already missing my man... I mean, Luciano... too much so I wanted to see him. I went to his hostel to surprise him.

We headed out to grab a late lunch. This was the taco we had, it was so huge that we shared it (even though he said he could eat it by himself):

late lunch - so good!

Then Luciano wanted to get some fresh fruit and veggies. He wanted to try and make the cucumber water and avocado milkshake that Raymond made for us earlier. I love the little side street market here:

Capturing a beautiful man buying groceries

Then Luciano and I decided to check out the Turtle rescue sanctuary in the nearby village - La Ventanilla. We took a ride in the truck taxi again, which by this point I was loving, and he told me that I could ride in the front portion which is open and free. I didn't realize that people could ride up there, I thought it was just for luggage or something. Here I am enjoying the open air:

Peace

Playing around

ohhhh.... that smile. It's a killer! On our walk to La Ventanilla

Drinking must really be a problem in this area of Mexico. This looks like a warning sign "Children hail cab when parents drinking."

Keeping the turtles safe as they hatch

Prior to releasing the baby turtles back to the ocean the worker there needed to dig up the hatched eggs from the hole they were in:

Separating the babies from the shells

76 turtles to release

Luciano talking to the employee about the turtles.

We had to wait a little bit before releasing the turtles to the wild. The employee had to take them back to count them all and probably do some other paperwork prior to us helping him release them back. I was so excited about helping out.

While waiting Luciano and I explored the beach a little, a nearby large rock formation and each other.

Here he is seriously focusing on taking a good picture:

Taking pictures of the waves and ocean

Beautiful smile captured

Exploring each other

Then, as we were in the midst of exploring each other, we realized the employee was returning back from the office with the turtles for us to release. And they don't wait... if they are ready to release them they just release them. So we ran there and got ready for an experience that I will never forget:

Running to participate in releasing the turtles

Taking pictures of the process

Luciano carefully handling one turtle at a time

A beautiful baby in my fingers

All of our babies making their way to the ocean.

To see all of the baby turtles work their flippers to make it to the ocean was amazing. After we did it we both walked away with the biggest smiles on our faces. I did not, for a second, think I would walk away with such a euphoric feeling. We were both bouncing with joy - it felt powerful to be part of the process of saving these turtles and watching them make their way to the big ocean.

Then Luciano pulled a little modeling show for me:

Work it....

come on gurl... work it now....

that's it! ouch.... grrrrrr

And then finish with a cute, honest stance

Now it was time to head back to Mazunte. Tonight, the night before Mexican Independence Day, there was going to be a big party in the town square. We wanted to get back, have dinner, get all pretty and then go to the party. However, it was one kilometer back to the main street and we were tired from all the walking in the 80 degree, humid weather. Fortunately??? (or not) there was a local with this jeep below who was heading back to town. Only one hang up.... he was drunk off his ass! As well as everyone else riding along.

(From left to right) Luciano, Drunk #1, Drunk #2, and AA Sponsor

It was like a roller coaster ride at Six Flags! Well, except the safety of course.

Me and Ciano

Had to get a picture of the gang at the end of the ride... they were drunk but ready to drink some more:

Drunk Mobile

Dinner time. Luciano and I again had dinner at Raymond and Waldo's famous Café Kumbala. Of course, I enjoyed the avocado milkshake again. We all played a good game of "shithead" and, as was typical, I think I won. At least that's how I remember it!

Playing cards - I see what Waldo has!

Waldo sporting the his home country, Mexico's, flag/mohawk

Luciano betraying his home country of Argentina for wearing the Mexican colors

And the crazy man from United States.... with no clue what's going on but always with that damn smile!

Don't forget the Italian - everyone loves the Italian and apparently Italians love everyone!

Time to party! Luciano wanted to go home to get his home girls from the Hostel while I was invited to a house party prior to the party in town square. The house party with Encarni, Rita, Erik, Dorian, Reginna and others.

Then we went to the town square. Here a group of guys are trying to climb a greased up poll to the top where there were prizes. I was a little drunk off of Mezcal (Mazunte's Tequila) so I wasn't sure what they were doing:

town square

the stage

Me and Luciano - me drunk, Luciano my designated walker

Day Eight:

Originally I thought I was going to have to fly out the morning of the 16th. Therefore I had to move out of my hotel room by the beach. However, I was able to stay one more day! Yay! Luciano so graciously offered to stay with him at the hostel. We packed up my things and I said goodbye to the Posada del Arquitecto.

Luciano

During this final full day in Mazunte I spent much of the late morning and early afternoon with Raymond, Waldo and Massimo while Luciano worked in the hostel.

Raymond, Waldo, Massimo and I went to this large piece of property where Raymond and Waldo are hoping to buy part of the property and build on it:

Massimo and Waldo discussing something important

Waldo, Maximo and Raymond walking to the piece of property

View from the property Waldo and Raymond want

Helping bring some ears of corn down for Miguel - a 70 year old man who normally does this himself!

Raymond and I helping out

After hanging with the boys I decided to go see my guy. I knew he was working at the hostel but when I got there I found out the truth of what his work consisted of:

Luciano taking an afternoon nap

I read for a little bit while Luciano slept. Then kept reading while he was up and working. However, I had wanted him to film me swimming and trying to body surf but the waves were really high. We still tried and it was pretty funny... I thought I did pretty good but he didn't give me credit for any of the waves I kind of road :-).

It was nice just hanging out at the hostel with Luciano. It started to rain quite a bit so we just hunkered down there. Then we had to run a few blocks away to get some dinner. Luciano was so sweet because he grabbed a garbage sack and made a raincoat for me.

After dinner we didn't really do much. It was nice to spend the last night with Luciano in his little bed at the hostel. We curled up together and passed out.

Last Day:

Woke up next to my man... at least my 4 day man. It was hard to say goodbye to Luciano. He walked me to Raymonds place, gave me a hug and then walked off. I kept looking on as he walked off and then made my way up to Raymonds front door.

Raymond and Waldo brought me back to the airport. We waited together until I needed to board and then I gave them both a big hug and said adios. It was sad to leave but I was happy to start my trip back home.

While flying, and since I've been home, I have had time to think about the connection Luciano and I felt. I don't believe I was falling in "love" with him. However, I don't feel like it was just a vacation fling. I feel like if Luciano was here in Seattle, or if I stayed down there, then I would want to date him. It's simple - I liked him.

Since I've been back we've spoke almost every day over Skype or Facebook. Where will it go? Who knows... but here's to living.

I do know that I'm happy I had this trip. I learned more about myself, the ways in which I can simplify my life back here in Seattle, and more about how I connect with others in the world. I also was reminded of the importance of taking time for me. Now that I have been back in Seattle I have had several days when I've taken time out for me. My cell phone and computer off, and I just relax. I love it!

Mexico was a great adventure, I look forward to more explorations... perhaps Mazunte will be somewhere I'll want to travel again, but definitely want to see other parts of Mexico!

I had a great time thanks in a large part to you guys!

I had thought a few years ago "Would I want to move to Mexico?" So on this trip I wanted to take note of the things I enjoyed and loved about Mexico and those things I didn't like so much or missed about the US.

What I missed and didn't like in Mexico:

- Mosquitos!
- Bugs
- Humid weather
- Dirty streets and cities
- Toilets
- Lack of conveniences
- Missed my family and friends

What I loved?

- Sun!
- Beach and Ocean
- Relaxed envrionment
- Cool people
- peace

Do You Like Me?

2010-08-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

There's something my counselor and I have been exploring lately. This idea she brought up the other day about me wanting people to like me.

When we started talking about this idea, that I want everyone to like me, it rang as very true within.

At first, while in the session, I asked my counselor, "Why would I want everyone to like me?" Then I proceeded, as she patiently listened, to answer my own question. "Is it because I experienced a lack of love and connecting in my upbringing? Is it because I battle issues of insecurity? Is it because I didn't have many (if any true) friends in High School?" I asked these questions then stopped myself at some point while asking them and said, "maybe it doesn't really matter why."

The fact is, is that I notice I have gone through life wanting people to like me. Common for most of us right? Don't we all want others to like us? However, when does it stop? What number of people liking me is enough? Is satisfying?

I realize that I have been focusing on the people who don't like me. There are so many great people in my life - friends, family members, co-workers - who genuinely like me. Who appreciate me as their loyal friend, loving brother, compassionate son, dependable co-worker. There are people in my life when I spend time with I can feel that they truly like me. They really love spending time with me.

Then there are those people who don't seem to like me. Those individuals I have put my focus on and tried to "win over." I have met them through work, friends of friends, and many other places.

But now I question why. Why would I try and win them over? Do I need everyone in the world to like who Andrew is? That's just silly. Of course I don't. Yet there is a part of me which has tried to gain their acceptance and/or approval. I have wanted them to like me. For if they didn't like me then I think I would subconsciously feel lesser. I would devalue myself. I would give the power of valuing who I am in the hands of others, often times strangers, who would like or not like me based on their own place in this world.

It has been important for a part of me to want others, just about everyone I interact with, to like me. Now that I am acknowledging this I will learn to let it go. I will also learn to find the true "liking me" for myself within. When I find that security my focus won't be on whether or not people like me. Valuing myself won't depend on the superficial value others give me. If someone likes me I won't value myself more, if someone doesn't like me I won't devalue myself. I think that is important.

I will also be able to walk away when I realize that someone doesn't like me. Walk away from that relationship with confidence within remaining steady. Truly feeling that it's okay for him/her to not like me. To do an about face and march forward with my life.

I think this topic came up with my counselor because we were discussing the relationship between myself and a guy I was dating. This guy, whom will remain nameless, and I only went on a handful of dates but already he wanted to become deeply involved in a committed relationship. He was moving very quick and I was teetering on this fragile point. The point laid in-between my old way of dating and getting into a relationship quickly and the new desire I have for proceeding forward slowly into the dating world and with getting to know a potential partner.

On the one side I saw the old way of moving fast myself into a relationship. I would have sex right away (within a week), open up completely to this man in front of me, and put everything into that relationship. It was all about that man and making a relationship work with him. I would see all the positive things that man had to offer and forget what I truly desired in a partner. Also forgetting who I was in the process.

On the other side of this teetering I saw the new way of sitting back, allowing myself time to take things in and seeing someone for who they are. I think my tilting over to this side has been helped by me feeling good with who I am and where I am in my life. I realized the other day, I like my life and there is no rush to change things.

However, I saw part of me wanted this guy to "like me." I saw myself slowly start to conform to what he wanted without giving value to what I wanted. Then I stopped myself one day, probably the 4th or 5th date in, I acknowledged this to myself and then said to him, "this is exactly how I played out my last relationships. I don't want this anymore." This felt great! I felt able to move into a new direction in my life.

Last Sunday I attended the service at the Center for Spiritual Living. The Reverend said that sometimes thoughts of "wisdom" come to us and we don't know where they come from. She suggested that they may come from an angel. I don't know if it's an angel, the spirit working through me or my intuition. However, I had this thought, or angel's advice, the other day that said: love me for where I am right now.

As I have been going on dates with different guys to see who's out there I have reminded myself, with every guy, that I am not going to be able to enter a relationship with him and want him to change. I believe people can change but they have to see the change is needed and want it. On the first or second date with guys recently, while sitting across from him and getting to know who he is, I have asked an important question: "Can I love this man for where he is right now in his life?" It's interesting when I ask myself this, and allow myself to answer honestly, what comes up.

In no means do I seek someone perfect, someone without faults or complications. We all have faults and complications in our lives. We all have issues. However, some of us have more issues than others.

Back to liking me. I am realizing that not everyone will like who I am when I am true to myself. When I am true to who Andrew is, there will be people who go their own way and on with their own life because who Andrew is doesn't work in their life. And I'm learning that that is okay.

I have to do me. I have to be true to me. I have to love me for where I am right now... all my faults, issues and complications. But I want to like me too. I want to like who I am. I'm teetering between liking me and not knowing me clearly enough to know.

In the meantime, I am going to focus on those who do like me. I'm going to focus more of my time on new friends I'm meeting who value the individual I am. I'm going to focus more of my compassionate character with those whom I consider close friends. I'm going to focus my loving energy with my family. All the people who do like me, I'm going to acknowledge that they like me and give my energy to strengthening those loving connections. I have to say, I am grateful for having so many people in my life who clearly like and love the person I am.

My Spiritual Journey

2010-07-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

Right now I am more than halfway through my first quarter at Seattle University for my Masters in Community Counseling. I am only taking one class, Spirituality and Counseling, this quarter. I wanted to slowly get into the program. In Fall I will be taking two classes - a full load.

This course, Spirituality and Counseling, is about discovering our own spiritual understanding and prepare ourselves as more well rounded counselors. One of the papers I just finished was about my spiritual journey. The assignment asked for each of us to write a 10 page maximum paper on what our spiritual journey has looked like in our lives so far and how we have come to the place where we are currently as spiritual beings. After the paper we were to tell our instructor about five books which have influenced our spiritual journey - I added this list here as well.

Here is my spiritual journey paper.

----------------------

I grew up in a religiously conservative environment of fundamentalist Christians on Whidbey Island, WA. Going to church every Sunday was a requirement by my mom. While my father was not involved in anything religious or spiritual his side of the family, whom we lived near, was very religious and attended the same church. I remember a lot of talk in church about other people sinning rather than looking at the “sins” within ourselves. I also remember the idea that nobody seemed worthy of God’s love, this never sat well with me. I grew up not liking this God, an all powerful yet vindictive Supreme Being, which was the only option I saw at the time.

My father turned away from religion in general at an early age because of what he says was his mom’s “crazy views of what or who ‘God’ is.” His mother had cancer and said, “If God wants me to live, he’ll cure me.” He did not cure her and she died. My father does not talk about his mother’s death very much but I believe he either never forgave God or believed that a God who could not be there for his sick mother was a God not worth believing in.

Just prior to becoming a teenager I was faced with the possibility of losing someone close to me as well. My father was flying a plane which he had to crash land due to an engine problem. Although my dad is an experience pilot the landing did not go smoothly. My father’s friend and co-worker died in the crash and my father was knocked unconscious after swallowing his tongue. Dad lost air for 5-8 minutes causing damage to his brain. The doctors told us that he would never be the same due to his head injury. As a young boy I did not fully understand what this meant.

When dad came home on my 13th birthday I was happy to have my father back. However, he was a different person. For the first several months my mom, siblings and I had to teach dad how to use his eating utensils and perform daily activities. Months later dad started doing much better physically but there was something emotionally and mentally not right with my father. My mom, siblings and I would notice that he would become angry at the smallest things. Anything could set my father off into a violent rampage.

Later that year my older brother acted out in the same angry way. He broke down my bedroom door to get to me. He held me to the floor with his hand on my throat. His face was bright red, veins bulging from his skin, the passion of his anger working his body to a dripping sweat and his fist would jet toward my face, never hitting me, but threatening to do so. This was the exact same cycle my father repeated over and over. When I saw my brother be controlled by this evil, angry character that I knew was not the true man within, I was scared. My brother apologized to me the next day and he never touched me like that again. However, I was still scared that if my brother could be possessed to do the same thing my dad did then it was likely that I would fall victim to the uncontrollable angry reactions.

After this point I started to run from my dad before he could hurt me or after the violence occurred. I would hide in a safe place and immediately write a letter to my older self. I wrote approximately 30 letters between the ages of 14 to 17. Most of my letters were sealed in envelopes that read on the outside “open when I have children.” However, one was sealed with the message of “open when I fight with someone or am very mad at someone - girlfriend or wife." In this letter, which I recently opened, I wrote:

Dear Andy,

It doesn't help to get mad at someone.

Getting mad and fighting or getting upset will only make the problem worst.

Love,

Andrew

I find it interesting that I felt like such a simple message could stop the abuse from continuing with me. However, I felt the need to remind myself that I could not repeat the anger and violence that I was going through. Anger and violence which I later learned was not only as a result of my father’s head injury but because of the abuse he was put through as a child. One time when my dad was 14 years old his father hit him so hard that he broke my dad’s nose. I needed to stop this from being passed on to me. The letters were all addressed to Andy from Andrew. I wonder if it was my wiser self telling the child in me how to be a good man to others. Perhaps I was taping into a spiritual wisdom that each of us has the ability to be with and seek guidance from.

We still continued to go to church each Sunday and never talked to anyone about the pain which remained private in our home. I was angry at God for not addressing this pain and not providing my mom, siblings and I a safe place to call home. I often did not want to go home and would spend a lot of time at one Aunt and Uncle’s house, who were both very active in the same church. One day I recall my Aunt talking about the MCC (Metropolitan Community Churches). This is a church created around the idea that Gay and Lesbian’s could be Christian and accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior without feeling like they were living in sin. My Aunt had a problem with a pastor preaching love and acceptance for and toward homosexuals. She questioned the authenticity of their connection to God by asking, “What? Do they just rip out the pages of the bible that talk about homosexuality?” When she asked this I remember thinking to myself, “do they?” and “how do they reconcile this difference?” However, even though I questioned this myself I still saw an anger and disgust in my Aunt’s voice that did not sit well with me.

Growing up in this socially and religiously conservative environment made it easy for me to hide my true identity from everyone, but most sadly from myself. I remember thinking one day, at the age of 16 years old, “I may be gay.” As soon as that thought came to mind I shut it down with a rebuttal out load with no one around to hear but me, and perhaps God, “I can’t be gay, I’m a Nichols!” My family, the Nichols family, is a very proud, hyper-masculine family and to be a gay man would have put into question all that I learned to be true with who I was. I did not think about my sexual orientation again until I was 5000 miles away stationed in Mannheim, Germany. I then came out as a gay man while proudly serving my country in the Army.

It took me several years to become comfortable with the idea of being intimate and loving toward another man. The first time I had a sexual experience with a man I felt an extreme disgust in myself and did not experience any intimate contact with another man for over a year. At the age of 24 I had been out of the Army for two years and just finished college back in Seattle. I still needed more time away from my roots to discover who Andrew was, so within days after graduating I moved to New York City.

By the time I moved to New York City I was in a relationship with another man and was comfortable with the fact that I would spend the rest of my life with a man. However, I still had a lot to reconcile with regards to who or what God was. A friend I met in New York told me about a Buddhist temple he went to on Sunday’s and asked me to join. I did not know anything about Buddhism except for this idea from my Aunt that meditation was a potential way for the devil to take over my soul. However, I was physically far away from this mentality and was ready and willing to venture out spiritually as well.

I quickly fell in love with both the location of the Buddhist temple and the practice. The temple is located about an hour north of the city. It is deeply surrounded by a thick forest that silences all distractions from the rest of the world. The service was two hours long. The first hour consisted of a 20 minute sitting meditation, a 20 minute walking meditation and a final 20 minute sitting meditation. The second hour consisted of a monk giving a talk on a random Buddhist topic. I remember my first service was about “perfect understanding.” At the same time in my life I was reading the book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen R. Covey. One of the concepts Covey speaks about, which has stuck with me to this day, is the idea that we must seek to first understand before seeking to be understood (Covey, 1989). For me understanding another prior to being understood is “perfect understanding.”

I started to get a good sense of how spirituality and religion were separate, something I did not learn growing up. Also, I realized how I could have a spiritual side through meditation and connecting with our Higher Power, without having to attend a religious institution. However, my spiritual journey took a back seat when life through me a curve ball at the age of 25.

In December of 2003 I became very sick. At this time I was also preparing to move to Málaga, Spain where I was planning to study abroad for a year. Prior to making this dramatic move my doctor at the Atlanta VA wanted to find out why I was not feeling well. From the end of 2003 to April of 2004 we ran an HIV test, CT Scan’s, x-rays, various blood work, and more. None of these tests came back with any news about why I was ill.

In early May my doctor decided to run another HIV test. I knew this one would come back negative as well because from my last test in December of 2003 to this time I had only been with one guy, my then current boyfriend, and we always had protected sex. As I waited for the doctor to make her way to my room I patiently sat on the edge of the examination table. In the room there was a nurse who was quietly sitting at a desk in the corner organizing files. I asked her if she knew if my results were in, since they were previously delayed. She did not even look up at me when she replied, "We'll just have to wait for the doctor." She did not seem rude at all, just a bit standoffish. I figured she was simply focused on her work load.

I sat there full of the energy of a child as my feet swayed back and forth off the table. I had a large smile on my face as the reality of spending a year in Spain was just around the corner. The doctor broke through my moment of daydreaming as she slowly came into the room. Her demeanor was noticeably different from previous days. She carefully and deliberately secured the door behind her. Her walk was weighted with a heavy burden and her eyes had been slightly wet from what seemed to be tears. They appeared heavy with a sadness that was not typical of her character. She proceeded toward me but took forever to make it those few steps.

She stood directly in front of me, rested her right hand on my left knee cap and gently tightened her grip. Her touch calmed the childish swinging of my legs but immediately concerned me. I physically looked up to her as, with sorrow, she said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you Andrew, but you tested positive for HIV." As my heart sunk and stomach tightened I thought surely I had heard her wrong. I just sat there in silence to wait for myself to snap out of this confused state. My eyes wandered around the room, past the nurse who was now looking my way, down toward my now completely still legs and back to my doctor. The room started to close in on me as I figured they were waiting for my response, but I had nothing to say.

My doctor did not have much more to say either but just wanted to comfort me with the words “the medications are great” and she gave me a strong hug. Both the words and touch were appreciated, but did little to calm the anxiety that was ripping me apart inside. I still did not know what to say, so I just sat there in a daze and shook my head. I told her I needed to be alone for a moment. I left the small room and took a walk through the maze of the VA. While walking down the hallway, through the crowds of Veterans, I felt incredibly weak. I mostly looked down to avoid any eye contact because it seemed as if every time I caught the eyes of a complete stranger he/she could sense the weakened Andrew inside. I could not take their piercing stares of judgment.

It was as if these strangers could read right through me; my saddened eyes told the story of a self-disgust and deep disappointment setting in. I felt tears on the edge of busting free from my mind's controlling grip. I quickly slid into an empty stairwell and stood there for a moment as if I was trying to escape. I made my way to the bottom flight, backed myself up in a corner, slid down to the floor, tucked my head into my knees as I embraced myself and cried.

As I continued to cry my logical self took charge and internally I asked, "How could this happen?" But I was not prepared to answer that question. As I sat there I did not think about becoming sick and dying but thought of my family. I failed them and God. It was simple logic to them: gay men live in sin and were punished. I was punished by God. I squeezed myself tighter as I sat in that corner wanting the pain, not of being told I had this terrible virus, but of feeling like I failed my family, my new gay community and myself, to go away. Just like when coming out I again felt alone in the physical and spiritual world. After coming out as a gay man I thrived on the idea of proving my family, and much of society, wrong. However, I proved them right.

During the next two days I still continued to pack up my life in Atlanta, ignoring for a moment this diagnosis. I then started my cross country trip to Seattle as planned. I did not want to tell anyone about the diagnosis, not even my best friend who I was living with. I felt extremely disappointed in myself and to vocalize the fact that I had contracted HIV would thrust me into a reality that I was not prepared to face.

At 26 years old I was back in Seattle, living with my mom. This was hard for me to accept because I was stubbornly independent. I did not want to have to depend on my mom or anyone for that matter. She thought I was only moving in temporarily while I planned my next journey to Málaga. I knew I was going to be there longer as I figured out what living with HIV would mean. However, I did not know how to tell my mom about my diagnosis.

I went to my first appointment at the Seattle VA shortly after arriving to my mom’s house. My new doctor ran additional blood tests to get an update of my status. A day later she called to tell me “your t-cells dropped dramatically. According to these new results you now have AIDS.” She said we needed to start on medications right away. After hanging up all I could think about was that I was now not only living with HIV, but I was now a man living with AIDS. How was I supposed to deal with this? I did not know much about HIV when I first found out I had the virus, just 12 days prior, and now I had AIDS. The only thing I “knew” was that people contracted HIV, they got sick, HIV became AIDS, they got sicker, and then they died. I was now halfway through this logical process.

For the following month every day was the same. I ate Cheerios for breakfast, took my medications, laid on the couch watching TV and then 30 minutes later I would run to the bathroom. I would mosey back to the couch and watch more TV. My body felt weak, like a truck had hit me, therefore I would mostly rest. In the evening I would sometimes eat Cheerios again, take my medications, lay on the couch and then about 30 minutes later I would be back in the bathroom. All I could think about was how this was not the way a 26 year old should be living.

I remember waking up each morning, lying on my back in bed, looking at the ceiling and just staring. Immediately after waking I felt okay, like I was the Andrew before my diagnosis. However, once I remembered that I was now living with HIV my view of everything changed. I laid there staring at the ceiling for an hour before I could get out of bed. I was in this state, like Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about in his “I Have a Dream” speech, of wallowing in this valley of despair and self-pity. I saw the physical and spiritual world with such a narrow lens.

I remember being home alone one morning soaking in the tub. I burst out into tears and asked God “Why?” I let go of all control and screamed louder, “WHY? What did I do to deserve this?” I continued to ask but there was no answer. I was angry. I was blocked so I could not have the needed dialogue with our Higher Power. However, perhaps these questions started the conversation my soul needed. I did not realize at this time how going through such a hard time in my life could bring me closer to a truly loving and accepting Higher Power.

I wrote in my journal often during this time in my life. In one entry, written a month after my diagnosis, I reflected on my situation after watching the movie “In America.” One of the main male characters in the movie was dying of an illness one could assume was HIV. Two young girls, his neighbors, were curious about him and befriended the man. I wrote the following about this man in my journal entry:

He connected with love and a higher power. He connected with himself. He wasn’t afraid to die, to move on from this world to another, and once he met the girls he didn’t seem to be afraid to live either.

At this time I told my step-father about my diagnosis and then told my mom. My mom cried but then grabbed me into her as she said, “You’re not going to die.” She has been my greatest support. I was afraid that I was going to die at such a young age. I did not want to die. I was not ready to die. I felt so connected with the man in this movie “In America,” and appreciated how he could be dying but then find new reasons to live each moment he had left, this was what I needed to do. It was clear he did this through connecting with an undefined Higher Power.
A month later I wrote in my journal again:

HIV may be in my body, but in my body it will stay. It may be in my blood, but in my blood it will stay. It may even be in my sweat, saliva, skin, every cell that makes up the physical me, but in the physical me it will stay. It doesn’t have my soul or my spirit. I am blessed. I’m blessed not because I have people around me who are concerned about my well being. I am blessed because I have love going for me.

I believe the love I was writing about, without realizing at that time, was the love from our Higher Power. This crisis in my life was probably the most important part of my spiritual journey.

I do not know where I will be spiritually in the near or distant future. What is important is that I feel better about exploring my spirituality. I feel more grounded and secure as I move deeper into a loving acceptance that I am a spiritual being. A friend asked me just last week, “What does being spiritual mean to you?” I responded that right now I define it as unblocking any emotional, mental, and physical pain and hindrance in me that does not allow the spirit to flow through my being. I see that discovering the spiritual Andrew is also remembering rather than learning something new. I am excited and ready to be reminded further about what this, our spiritual experience in the physical world, all means.

Books which have had a major influence in my spiritual journey:

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle.

In “A New Earth,” Tolle discusses the importance of letting go of the ego. I felt more connected with nature and the world when I was reading this book. I actually saw the energy of life around trees when I fully became present to being with them. When going on a run I will sometimes touch the trees and feel energy flow through me. With the guidance of Tolle’s book I also started to see the importance of letting go of past pain by first acknowledging that pain.

Be, by A. C. Ping.

This simple book helped me start the process of understanding that I need to remember my spiritual self rather than create and develop it. It also helped guide me to seeing that now is the time to start living my life, by simply being. It also helped me get through my AIDS diagnosis by helping me see that when I finally embrace death I can truly live.

Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, by Thich Nhat Hanh.

In “Anger,” by Thich Nhat Hanh I learned about the importance of feeling each emotion that I am feeling when I feel it. I did not realize how I was avoiding feeling anger because I associated anger with violence. Now I see how as a result of my father becoming angry and then violent I was afraid to express my anger in a healthy manner. Hanh says, “Don’t fight your anger, and don’t suppress your anger. Learn the tender way of taking care of your anger, and transform it into the energy of understanding and compassion” (Hanh, 2001, pg 127).

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz

In “The Four Agreements,” Ruiz discussed four agreements he believes an individual can live by to improve his life and have more peace within. These agreements are: 1) Be impeccable with your words; 2) Don’t take anything personally; 3) Don’t make assumptions; 4) Always do your best. After the simple read I wrote each agreement on a note card with an explanation of what each agreement meant to me on the back. I would carry one random agreement each week in my pocket and pull it out when I was waiting in line at the bank, grocery store, or just waiting around. I would read the agreement and reflect on it. I felt like I was able to better apply each agreement to my life because of the constant reminder.

In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want, by Iyanla Vanzant

“In the Meantime,” by Vanzant helped me see the importance of loving myself prior to expecting someone to show me love. The “meantime” is this state of being when one is teetering between an old way of doing something and a new way of being. Her book helped me see how to clear out the clutter of my life and find a new, healthy way to live.

References

Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York: Fireside.

Hanh, Thich Nhat. (2001). Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. New York: Penguin Group.

I not perfect

2010-07-08T08:51:00.001-07:00

After my last blog entry "Spiritual Declaration," Jason sent me a text message clearing the air about him and this guy he's been hanging out with. Our text went back and forth and were as long as emails. I really appreciate Jason reaching out. It shows, what I knew in my heart but perhaps the pain wouldn't let me see, that there was meaning to our relationship. I'm not going to go into detail about the text messages back and forth, because it's personal between Jason and I, however there is a little I want to share. I'm learning the boundaries I just started to explore with my counselor are quite powerful and really something I'm taking to heart.

However, I wanted to briefly write about one part of the conversation that says a lot about where I am and what I want for me now. It was about all of these self-help books I've read. Two particular I mentioned in the text were Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth," and Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements." One of the four agreements is "I will not make assumptions." However, part of me was assuming that something happened between Jason and this other guy, before we broke up, from what a third party person said.

I wrote out to Jason, "As much as I understand Tolle's beliefs and the 'Four Agreements,' I not perfect."

I saw this because I wanted to write in my journal this morning about how much I appreciated Jason reaching out and enjoyed our conversation back and forth via text. As I was writing in my journal I went back through the texts to reference topics we discussed. These were really long, thoughtful texts. I thought it was so funny how I was talking about realizing that I'm not perfect, and here I go, in that same sentence, I wasn't perfect. I showed some simple imperfection that, isn't a big deal, but so telling.

"I not perfect." Love it!

I also thought yesterday about this idea of perfection as my condo is being worked on. I thought about how I like things being completed as they should and "everything has a place and everything in its place." I didn't even realize it but lately I've started to be comfortable with things not being in its "proper" place. I thought about this yesterday because my kitchen is currently torn apart while my electrician guy is putting in under cabinet lights (yay!). He's having a hard time getting the wiring through and so my fridge needed to be out of the kitchen for an extra day. It was easiest to just leave it in my living room:

I like this picture because you can clearly see that the fridge is out of place and there is a hole where it should go to the right and back. Everything has its place and everything in its place, right? But I slept right next to the fridge and I was cool (ha ha ha) with it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really look forward to having all of the remodeling done in my condo but there's a part of me that feels more at ease with the process, more than I would have been previously. There's no rush.

I had a "to do," list that I had writen out for what I wanted to complete for my condo remodel and I previously had the title of this list as "to accomplish," as I don't really care for a title of "to do." Now, I rewrote my list on my dry erase board and titled it something different, something where I didn't feel like it was a list I needed to accomplish or do right now. I titled it: Eventually. I'll get to it, when I get to it.

It's like learning the lessons from my relationship with Jason. At first I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to write out in my journal and some here about what went wrong, what I can do better next time and how I can grow from the experience. However, as Ken kept telling me, that was the time to take care of myself - that was all. I needed to wait until I can use my "wise" mind to understand the lessons.

Am I in my wise mind right now? I'm not sure if I am completely, but definitely more so. But I'm not in a hurry to figure it all out. The greatest thing that came from Jason and I's text exchange was that we realized we both cared for each other greatly and appreciated that we can still be connected. I'll learn lessons that I need to learn from him and I in time. In the meantime, it feels good to see love still there with Jason and I. Like I texted Jason, we obviously still have love for each other, however the love is just changing form.

Ask, and ye shall receive

2010-07-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

Ask, and ye shall receive. Ye have not, because ye ask not. Matthew 7:7. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

I love this verse. It rings so true for me.

I have "asked" recently to meet more people and start making more quality friends here in Seattle and that is exactly what this past month has been all about.

However, what I wanted to write about was this past Sunday, Fourth of July. In the middle of last week I didn't have any parties planned for the 4th holiday. I was planning on going camping so it wasn't a big deal but then I decided not to go camping because I wanted some time in Seattle and to myself. Well, I didn't have much time to myself because I ended up getting invited to three parties on the 4th.

The first party was great. With a good friend of mine and some friends of his. We were supposed to go swimming but I left with the guys were about to jump into the pool. We just hung out, chatted a bit, I flirted with each boy there... as I typically do :-) and then I headed out.

The second party I went to was pretty packed, around 30-40 people in and out. I chatted with some of the guys I met there and had some good food. One of the girls (a real girl) there made a rhubbard and strawberry pie. It was so good. My mom used to make them growing up.

At this party I met this hot guy. I was checking him out... just sitting back and observing at first while he was chatting with a couple of other guys. Then he was walking off from talking to them and I stopped him. I grabbed his hand, pulled it up to me and with a puzzled tone, commented, "Hmmmm... no ring." Then I followed with, "are you single?" He was. :-)

He appreciated that I was forward and we had a nice conversation. When it was time for me to go to my next party I told him who was going to be at this final party and he knew one of the guys I knew there - so he decided to go with me.

I had to go home first, so we left at separate times. I left with a friend of mine and a girl friend of his (the gal who made the awesome pie). When we were going down the elevator I said to them, "It'd be cool to get stuck in an elevator. At least with a hot guy!" Of course, I said this as a joke... hmm.... kind of ;-)

I ran home before my third party then made my way over there. I was buzzed into the building and saw a large group of guys heading toward the building. One asked, as I was opening the door, "Are you going to Jim's party?"

"Yes," I replied and held the door open for them - 12 men (10 Canadians and 2 American's).

Someone pushed the button for the elevator and when the door opened there was a small, older type of elevator in front of us. We all decided to pile in, perhaps as a result of my suggestion, and then I was next to the buttons so I pushed floor 12. We started to go up and the guys were already drinking what ever they had in their hands.

Then the elevator stopped but the door didn't open. I thought, "that's odd," as I looked up to see that the floor number was at 8. At first I thought, "Oops... I must have hit the 8" since I was crammed by the buttons. But then obviously realized that wasn't the case because the door was still not openning.

We realized we were stuck. Ask, and ye shall receive huh?!

Let me just put this out there... as I thought it would be cool to be stuck in an elevator and then two hours later I'm stuck... it'd be cool to win the Powerball or Mega Millions lotto!

Since I was by the buttons the guys kind of put me in charge. I kneeled down, yes, in front of the 12 gay men. I tried to push the door open button. Nothing. I tried to push floor 8, to see if it would open since we were there. Nothing. I tried to push all of the buttons and nothing happened. I then pushed the Alarm button. Nothing! Okay... this is getting a little too real for me.

I then pushed the "Call Service," button. A little red light was blinking but again, nothing. I pushed it again and finally this lady spoke. "Can I help you?" I told her about our situation and she asked if we were okay.

We were all fine but told her that we were stuck.

She called the fire department and said it would be 30 minutes. It was already 10 minutes before we got her on the line. About 20 minutes into the entire ordeal the small box was heating up. We couldn't turn out the warm overhead lights but realized we could unscrew the bulbs, which we did.

Another 10 minutes passed and still nothing. One of the guys was getting a bit claustrophobic. He had another drink of his beer and then tried to bend over to catch his breath. He didn't look so well, so I called the lady back. I asked her to have them hurry.

It was about another 10 minutes or so when we heard the fire engine outside and not long after that when our big burly (damn it, he was a bear) fireman saved us. Of course he lectured us for having so many people in the elevator... oops. ;-)

Spiritual Declaration

2010-07-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

I went to the Center for Spiritual Living this morning with a friend. Today, our Independence Day, the talk was around spiritual independence and freedom.

The speaker shared her Spiritual Declaration with us, that flowed right along the same track as the Declaration of Independence. It was beautifully written. Then she asked each of us to write our own. This blog entry is mine. I wanted to include in here, like the Declaration of Independence, how I'm tired of being a victim and there are certain things in life I simply won't take anymore nor want in my life anymore. The Founding Fathers knew that they wouldn't take the rule of the King anymore and they wrote out their grievances in the Declaration. They also wrote out what they believed to be true. Not what they knew to be true from experience, because this was a new way of thinking, but what they knew to be true by listen to the Higher Power. The guidance of the Universe.

My Spiritual Declaration is about what I won't have in my life anymore and more of who I am now. I wrote a short blog entry questioning "Who am I?" about a year ago. This is a continuation of that understanding of me. As far as old parts of me which will be left behind I don't expect myself to be free and clear from this old self immediately. Parts will try and come back but it'll be important to know where my focus and intention lay: with a better and healthier life.

A friend asked the other day, "How do you know who you should be with, who would be a good match for you, if you don't acknowledge what you have to offer a man?" Good point I thought. This declaration is about Andrew. It's going to bring out who I am and as a result, show what I have to offer the world and another man. More importantly, what I have to offer an entire family, as I see myself as a family man.

A few posts ago in "Underwear Modeling" I wrote about 10 things I wanted in a partner. I acknowledged in that post that there are areas in the 10 things I seek in a partner where I am lacking a bit within myself and I want to work on them - and have started to do this work in many areas.

However, one thing I have realized recently is that I can't plan out and structure life to make everything work out "perfectly," or even "the way it should." And you know what, I'm getting this great feeling inside lately that I don't want to do this anymore. I had wanted to for so long.

As far as exploring possible guys to date in the future there will be elements of knowing some things I want in a partner, however, overall it will be about how I feel when spending time with this person. I wrote a note to myself recently about having the healthy relationship that I desire. I wrote: loving my partner means I respect him, am patient with him and listen to him. Respect, patience and communication are great concepts that one can say they have however, it's time for me to practice these qualities and observe guys (beyond what is said) to see if they practice them as well.

However, this entry is about acknowledging who I am currently, where I am in my life right now and accepting the Andrew I see in the mirror. I think it's a great idea because I truly believe that when I put a certain energy out in the world then it will come back to me. If I put an energy out there that I am a quality man that has some great things to offer, then a quality man who has some great things to offer will show up in my life. Hang on a second... someones at the door ;-)

Right now, a change is here. One of the songs which was beautifully performed this morning at CSL was "A Change is Gonna Come." I soaked up the words in the song as, with my hand on my heart and eyes closed, I swayed back and forth in my seat. Well... the change is here. This is the time to say no to what no longer works for me and yes to what works. It's time to recognize and appreciate the core of who Andrew is.

With this new desire, the guidance of my counselor and love from those in my life I am ready to break away from the way it's always been. I'm ready for the shift in consciousness, like the Founding Father's were ready for when they signed the Declaration of Independence. I'm ready to understand and love Andrew.

What doesn't work for me anymore:

Ignoring feelings. I thought I was done with feeling sad about missing Jason. I'm not done. I don't know how long it will all take to process but there is still obviously a little more to process. I don't have all of the pain that I had those first several days. That was a rough time and I was definitely allowing myself to be with that pain. However, yesterday I realized a part of that pain still remains.

Last night I was chatting with a nice gay couple at a friends house party. One of them must have known that Jason was my ex because when I spoke about Jason briefly, or said something about my ex-boyfriend, this guy said, "I met Jason a couple months ago through my friend." His friend is the guy (out of respect I won't put his name here) that Jason met at the gym and has been hanging out with since we broke up. Well, I thought it was only after we broke up. However, we broke up just over a month ago.

It hurt to hear that there was a possibility that Jason met this guy and started to move on from me before we broke up. What hurt more? This guy I was chatting continued, "I think they're dating." I know my facial expression told this guys boyfriend that this was more information then should have been said, as he stopped his boyfriend from saying more.

My heart sank and I felt a knot in my stomach. My first reaction was to try and ignore the feelings I was experiencing inside. I was thinking, "I'm over him... I'm over him... I'm over him. I'm not going to give him the power by feeling sad for the loss of our relationship." However, when I came home I wrote in my journal. I wrote a couple pages about the hurt. The power is not with Jason when I talk about the pain of an important relationship ending. It was an important relationship to me and it hurts that I accepted him into my life, that we were creating a life together and now that is done. Jason may be able to turn this connection off like a light switch, as one of his ex's suggested he can, but I can't.

I have to be true to myself. I sometimes feel like I don't explore each feeling that I am having enough. However, now is time to be true to me. What I felt in that moment after learning this information was hurt. It hurt to think that Jason had moved on from me so quickly, even before he left. It simply hurt. It felt so good to write this out in depth in my journal. This hurt, or sadness, will not have power over me. It's also not about Jason having the power, or anyone I have feelings with having power because I have feelings toward them that change. It will not have long lasting control. It will hurt for the moment and then I can take a step forward. However, I see how stepping forward only occurs after having acknowledged such powerful emotions. A sense of peace will be my overwhelming control in my life, that I will hold on to, not these other momentary feelings.

Peace to me is not 50 more years of life (or whatever I have left) with all happiness and serenity. It's finding peace in the pain, the sadness, the feelings of failure, the passionate anger, the deep desperation, the fierce bitterness, the vicious jealously, the hurt, the complex and simple hurt.

And... the beautiful happiness, the explosive laughter, the glee, the wonderful joy, the childish silliness, the excitement, the jaw-wrenching smiles, the expressive freedom, the love... oh the love.

As well as... the powerful oneness, the simple contentment, the tranquility, the cool and calm collectiveness, the stillness, the serenity, the loving forgiveness, the peace, the true peace with the moment as the moment is. To be with each feeling as I am experiencing each feeling and in acceptance of Andrew's experience of that feeling.

Money. I'm 32 years old now. Much of my life I've shied away from talking about finances. I guess that is how I, and many of us, were raised. I feel like I shied away from talking about the positive aspects of my finances because I didn't want to be like the wealthy relatives I had growing up. I feel like I made a connection between money, greed, and treating others poorly. However, I am seeing now how not everyone who has money treats others with disrespect. I saw growing up Uncles who had money and talked down about other people or specifically "poor" individuals. As if their money made them a better person and those without money made them lesser. As if, this status symbol spoke to the truth of who they were. It was simply a shallow surface representation of who my relatives were.

I do realize now that because I linked up money, greed and treating others poorly I developed an unhealthy relationship with money. I don't want that anymore. I don't feel like I need a lot of money in my life. However, this doesn't mean that I should push money away. I can welcome money into my life with good intentions. I've long thought the question to myself "what amount of money will I have to make a year to support me, my family and my desires for how I want to live my life?" I don't know that I have the exact figure worked out, however, if it's say $50,000/year that accomplishes this, then I would want to give everything I make above that to organizations that help those less fortunate succeed. However, I also do believe everyone needs to take care of him/herself first before he/she can help others. Therefore, I would first pay off all debt and have enough for retirement before giving back large sums of money.

I also realize that it's okay to talk about my financial state. It's not only okay but when it's done in a respectful way it is a healthy thing (for me at least) to discuss where I am financially. It doesn't mean that I will treat others poorly if I recognize all of my successes, including the financial ones. I can break that link created during childhood of money = greed = treating those without money poorly.

I think it's important to acknowledge where I am financially, as part of being clear with who I am and what I bring to a partnership. As I definitely bring an understanding of how to manage finances (thanks mom for teaching us that).

When I was 17 years old I started my IRA. I used to love managing money when I was young. I would go into my mom's purse at a very young age and I would organize and count the bills. Then I would tell her how much money she had. She taught me a lot about saving, budgeting and planning for the future. I have brought these lessons forward in my life.

At 19 years old, after receiving advice from my mom, I bought my first home. I still have that home on Whidbey Island. It's a small rambler with an acre. What I love about it the most is the property it sits on and the location. I see this as being a place I could build my dream home in the future. A nice home with a beautiful garden - definitely a family home.

This investment has been the best financial decision I've ever made. I have been fortunate with my renters as well. They have lived in my home (their home) for 10 years and have never been late on their rent. I've only raised the rent once ($50) to compensate for an increase in the property taxes. The way I see it is as long as my mortgage is being paid then why raise the rent on people who have been good to me for so long. They have been good to me, I'm good to them, and it cycles around.

At 20 years old I bought my second home. This was in Savannah, GA where I was stationed for two years. I had this home for about 6 years and was so happy when I sold it. I financially broke even between the repairs I made and the increased value in the home. However, I was happy I sold it because I had a terrible renter who would often not pay rent. It was stressful because I was living all over the country (and Spain briefly) all the while having to deal with this renter and her drama. Also I had recently received my AIDS diagnosis and all of this stress was a lot to manage. I was tired of having a home that was so far away and was happy to sale it.

Then I took a break from buying homes. I kind of wanted to be like one of my Uncles earlier in life who bought a home every year since he was 18, but I didn't follow his footsteps. Instead, I went back to college and then played a little in life (living in NYC for a year and continuing to travel after this).

Last year I realized I wanted to buy another home. I bought this studio condo where I'm living now in Capital Hill. The place is small but with the Murphy bed it feels like a perfect, single man size. I just love this place. It feels good to be in a place again that I own because I can fix it up how I feel speaks to me. I have done a lot of remodeling to my home and, as a result, it feels more like home.

I see myself in the future buying a few more homes and renting them out. I can see the rental income (after their mortgages are paid in full) as being part of my families income when my partner and I retire.

When I briefly write out here where I am financially I have a better sense of pride in what Andrew has accomplished so far to secure myself and the life of my future family. I no longer will fear speaking about my financial state and desires for my future.

Impatience. Patience with myself and others and letting life unfold as it should is my intention. For too long I have been impatient with myself and those around me. Much too hard on myself and those around me. That is part of the old Andrew I am ready to say goodbye to. Letting go of many expectations. Letting go of part of me, old parts of me that no longer work. Just giving myself permission to grow. To be me. To realize that I am the beautiful, healthy man that I have wanted to be. There is no race, there is no finish line that I'm trying to compete with others to reach, there is just right now. I am the man I want to be. I am in love with this man I see in the mirror.

I was walking down the hall the other day racing to a doctors office for work and I had this thought run through my head that said, "there's no end." I wasn't sure where the thought came from I just stopped in my tracks. I thought about this further and said to myself, "there's no end." It felt amazing. I had an "ah ha" moment (as Oprah and Eckhart would say) that there is no rush for some completion or anything. Just relax... there's no finish line I'm trying cross. I can slow down and feel complete. I'm complete now, there's no end.

I'm just reminded of what someone said once, "anything worth doing, is worth doing well." Focusing on doing one thing at a time and really being present as I do that one thing is about being patient with myself. I will have moments of impatience creep back in but I will now be more aware of those moments and come back to a love and patience for Andrew and those around me.

Ignoring my Gut. Listening to my gut is something I haven't been very successful at in the past. My first boyfriend constantly gave me the advice of "listen to your gut, you know what to do." No more ignoring what my gut, my power within, tells me is right and best for me. Listening within is so important. The energy of God, I truly believe, is within each of us and if we listen carefully enough we can sense that energy and feel the loving hand of our Higher Power guiding us.

I have often enjoyed to question things and debate topics. There came a time recently when I realized that I love asking questions, I love debating, but I also can love just being. No expectations, no analyzing, no questions of what's right, what's wrong, just being.

This past Wednesday I shared a service at the Center for Spiritual Living with two friends of mine. This service had the Interfaith Amigos, three men of different faiths who speak about the commonality of their faiths, sharing their stories and advice. One of them said, "when you hear a bird in song do you need to ask for it's credentials?" I laughed. It's funny. You hear a bird singing it's melody and you just accept it as beautiful. That's it. Loving what is, rather than having to question and analyze everything.

Respect. Respect is so important to me. If I go on a date with someone and they show disrespect to a waiter, for example, that is a clear indicator to me how that man will eventually treat me. Respect is so important. Respecting myself and others. Respecting that others have their path in life, like Jason, is something I am learning more recently. I thank my last relationship for this lesson. I think this is a great value to strengthen prior to becoming a professional counselor. Respect each man and woman for where he or she is in their life and appreciate that place he/she is. First I must respect and love myself, I am all about respecting and loving me for who I am right now.

Respect for myself is not something I've always had. It's coming to me now though. One thing I realized lately is that if I make plans with someone but then I don't feel like doing what ever those plans were then I'll still do it because I made a commitment. Commitment is important to me but being true and respecting what I need in each moment is more important. I can be a man who commits but then realizes when life changes and listen to that change.

A friend of mine was going on a camping trip this weekend and he was really excited about me going. I was excited about going at first too but just a few days ago I started to feel like I didn't want to go for several reasons. I told him that I couldn't go and why. He was clearly disappointed but I think handled it well. At first I didn't want to cancel because I told him I was going and knew how much he wanted me to go. I didn't want to disappoint him. However, it felt good for me to just recognize what I needed for this weekend. I needed to stay here in Seattle. It's about respecting what is best for me. If I take care of my needs then I'll be in the best position to take care of others when they call for me to do so.

Who I am:

Family. I have a strong commitment to my current family and have a desire to create a loving family with another man. I wrote a thoughtful blog entry simply titled "My Sister" a couple years ago to talk about how much I love my sister. I have written several posts which talked about my mom. In one, "I WON!" I shared how she has been such a great support for me after receiving my HIV diagnosis. We've had hard times in the past, I wrote about some of the dysfunction and chaos in my "Pain-Body" entry.

But now, in this present moment, both my mom and sister are able and willing to open up, share their feelings and move forward with a closer bond. That is what I desire with my future family (partner and kids). I know that my partner and I will not agree on everything, we may mess up several times with raising our children, but as long as we keep coming back to doing the best we can then I think we will have succeeded. I am in a position in my life right now where I see that I have a loving heart to offer a man and kids and when it's the right time for this family to come into my life I am ready.

Friends. I have some strong connections with people who I call dear friends (mostly women). I want more connections, especially with men, and have started to create those. There are two guy friends here in Seattle I have started to create a bond with, whom I met a year or two ago, that I really connect well with. Just in this last month I have met some more people whom I may have long lasting friendships with, both men and women. However, back to the patience - I will take my time to get to know them. Take my time in developing the long lasting, deep connection I seek to have with others.

Love. Who am I with regards to love? I know that I really appreciate having love in my life and love from and to those I am surrounded by. I value the relationships I have had thusfar, yes even my recent one, because I have learned so much about love and myself from each one.

I have learned simple things like drying off before stepping out of the shower so I don't get the floor wet (thanks PJ). I have learned what it means to share and be responsibily not only for myself but for a parternship. I have learned that love sometimes doesn't last, so it is important to be expressive with that love when I feel it wanting to come out. I have learned to laugh and joke with lovers. I have learned that having crazy expectations doesn't help me, doesn't help my partner and surely doesn't help the partnership. I have learned that there is pain after a loving relationship ends and that pain will subside but the memories will live on. I am grateful for my ability to love and share this love with others. I will be patient with myself while seeing potential men in my life that I can share a deep, loving partnership with.

Job. I'm currently in a secure, well paying job. I've had some ups and downs with this job. It was a tough challenge at first because part of my job is sales. I am the "face" for MOMS Pharmacy in our community and when people or doctors offices don't know about the pharmacy I am the one who introduces them to it. That's the "sales" part which was hard at first. However, lately I have really started to love my job. I'm able to work more with clients and do stuff like teach a budget class - which I did while working for a local non-profit some years ago. I really like the flexibility with my job.

I'm going to school right now for my MA in Community Counseling at Seattle University and I have to be honest, I'm not sure where I'll be after completing the three year program. If I really love my job as much as I do now I may stay with MOMS for longer. But, I have time to figure that all out. Right now I'm happy that I feel good in my current positon and I feel good with the SU program I'm in.

Oneness. I was thinking about my values the other day, as one of my new friends told me he was writing out his values, and realized that this idea of all of us being one is a value I hold dear to my heart. During the Interfaith Amigo's talk at CSL one of the amigos spoke about moral leadership. He said, "moral leadership helps us make choices for the common good." How do we, how do I, continue pushing myself to make choices for the common good? Part of understanding who Andrew is, is giving back to others, my community, my friends, my family, strangers, etc. The amigo went on to say how "when you give yourself to another, you become you for the first time." My best example of giving back, and seeing "me" for the first time, comes from my time at the Crisis Clinic.

I have been volunteering at the King County Crisis Clinic since October of 2009. We have a variety of crisis calls - from people needing help with rent assistance to those wishing to end their life because their pain is too much to handle. I love the training we receive for those individuals wanting to commit suicide. We are told to bring up the topic. If someone is sounding like they want to end their life it is important to paraphase what they have said and then ask, "are you thinking about killing yourself?" This makes so much sense to me. If someone is thinking about killing him/herself, in fact, if I was thinking about killing myself the last thing I would want from someone I am seeking help from is for them to beat around the bush about it. By being clear about the topic I give value to the callers fellings, that their feelings of pain and hopelessness are true, we recognize the truth of those feelings.

Often times we receive a lot of frequent callers. We have cards filled out for these callers so we know kind of what to expect with them and what the plan should be for their call. These calls can sometimes be long and the caller will want to talk about a variety of topics. It's not uncommon for people to do other things while on such calls (like play on the Internet, respond to email, play on their phone, etc). Even while listening to a frequent caller I try to not allow myself to get distracted, so I can be with the caller, but often I find I'll do all the same distracting things as those around me because of the routineness of the call. However, when I have a caller that talks about suicide all else shuts down. I'm present for him/her.

I wrote about one particular call in my application essay for my Graduate program's application process. The entire letter was posted in my blog entry "A Great Birthday Present." Here is what I wrote about my caller who was talking about suicide:

Sometimes I hear confidence restored in the voices of my clients. One conversation started with my caller in clear emotional distress. When I heard her pain I silenced all distractions. I bowed my head so the computer wouldn’t interrupt my assistance, I cupped my hands over the headset to void out the noise of those around me, and I consciously took one breath at a time while my caller shared her deeply personal story. There was a moment when neither she nor I spoke. This lasted 15-20 seconds. It was clear to me that silence was all she needed in that moment. I didn’t realize my supervisor was monitoring the session until I ended the call. She had one simple compliment for me. That compliment was, “Great use of silence.”

My reason for including this description in my SU essay was because it showed how I desired to connect with those I serve in a counseling setting. I do feel like this is my way of giving back to the world, and as was stated at CSL, finding me in that service.

Honesty. Another thing one of the Interfaith Amigos said was "speak the truth and live the truth, don't live a truth of convenience." A truth of convenience is telling a loved one the entire story when it is convenient for me to do so. I know in my last relationship Jason was very much guilty of this but so was I. I don't seek perfection in this area, nor any area I talk about in this entire blog post for that matter, I simply will have the intention of speaking the truth and living the truth constantly - not only when it's convenient. To have that intention will bring the truth out more.

Interdependence. I could probably look back about 7-10 years in my hand written journals and find entries about interdependence. I logically understood the value of being interdependent in the world at that time. However, I'm learning more now through my actions about what this means. I've had a variety of life situations where I was dependent on others, independent (stubbornly so at times), co-dependent, and counterdependent (again, the stubborness). Just like I started to say in my "oneness" section above, I'm starting to see the interconnectedness of all of us.

Interdependence to me is understanding that there are areas in life I shine in and there are areas in life I am still exploring and learning my place with. It is about understanding that the same goes with loved ones I share my life with. It is then putting aside pride knowing that when it's time to ask for help, I should ask for help. It is also about confidently knowing when it is time for me to guide others. It boils down to wanting to make the whole, the entire unit of each relationship, stronger and filled with a loving presence.

Openness. I love writing in this blog. I love posting my deep thoughts for those who care about me to read. However, in my latest counseling session we spoke about boundaries. We spoke about the value of keeping some things to myself and understanding the boundaries with each relationship I have in my life. This made me think about my blog and some of the things I have posted here. There are a few things I have posted that go beyond where I think I want to go in the future, with regards to my new boundaries between me and my blog (me and the world :-)).

Not a lot though. I mean, I write a lot... clearly this entry shows that. My entry about "How I Contracted HIV," was probably longer and definitely more revealing though. I wrote a lot in that about coming out and contracting HIV. When writing about HIV it is important to write about sex. Some people may think that sex is something we shouldn't talk about, I know this was how it was growing up in my family. Sex is a healthy part of life though. I will discuss sex, as the natural and healthy aspect of my life I want it to have. I also opened up quite a bit more about my finances above. This was a little uncomfortable for me. What I didn't do was go into depth about my net worth or liquid assets and such. I didn't give out my bank account number either (although if you want to wire me some money I'll freely give you the number!).

Openness to me doesn't have to mean every single aspect of Andrew is available for the world to know. Openness to me means when something feels uncomfortable to share, I will sit on it for a moment and recognize the root of that lack of comfort. If it boils down to a fear that I'm willing to face then I'll face it. However, I am also seeing the value of keeping things for me and my very close loved ones to know. There are several things I can think about that I have not written here and probably never will. Other things I'm willing and am able to share.

Punctual. I grew up on Whidbey Island. When my family and I would "go over town" to Seattle we would have to plan our day around the ferry schedule. It took exactly 10 minutes to get from our house to the ferry. Mom would give us exactly 10 minutes to get there. Man... the stress it caused. We would sometimes miss the ferry, which isn't a big deal when they ran every 30 minutes but it would bother mom because then we would have to wait and I don't think she liked waiting much. Other times we may leave a little earlier, when I say a little I mean 5-10 minutes, and she would sometimes stop at a garage sale before. "I'm just going to run in really quick and see what they have," she would say as she jumped out of the car. I just hated always running late to things.

I joined the Army at 18 and truly appreciate the concept of punctuality which Drill Sergeants had to drill into recruits. Not me! I was right there with them. Well... okay... one time I was late running down to our PT (Physical Training) formation. All four companies were formed up and here comes Private Nichols, with his PT shirt untucked (not cool), sticking out like a sore thumb because everyone was quietly standing there waiting for me. When I say everyone, we're talking about 150-200 of my fellow recruits. Damn! I was dropped right there in front of everyone (made to do pushups).

Most of the time however I was able to do what I was taught, arrive 15 minutes early to everything. A Sergeant of mine while stationed in Germany told my platoon once, "If you're 15 minutes early you're on time, if you're on time you're late and if you're late you know what to do." What you did was pushups... if you run late to a formation you might as well knock out your pushups before jumping into the ranks.

I am learning to be a little easier on myself, and others, with regards to puntuality though. Life is very moment by moment. Things happen. However, it doesn't mean that we can't set the intention of arriving to places on time if we have the time. I tell people that if you get somewhere early read a book or play on your iPhone, as most of us have an iPhone or some kind of smart phone. Or, better yet, just take a relaxation break from the world in your car. I have two great relaxation audio clips that I got from one of my ex's (Ken - a professor of Pyschology in Atlanta, GA). They are on my iPhone now and I try to find time to listen to one of them each day.

I realize that we are always changing, whether we like it or not. The world itself is changing and so are we. We're at least growing older and as we do we have the potential for change. I love aging, that's not my issue, my "issue" (I hate that word) is more about loving the present moment. It's not so much an issue as simply something I haven't stopped and realized enough lately. The above bit about who I am is really about loving this present moment of where I am in life. Now, this is something I will feel each day. Loving each moment as it is.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes about peace within. When I find myself in crazy, uncertain or just choatic situations I remember this quote (it's from an unknown source):

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I kissed a boy... and I liked it

2010-06-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm gay (or at least 5.5 on the Kinsley scale) and so this may not be much of a surprise that I kissed another guy and liked it. However, there is more to the story. As there always is.

I met this guy, whom I am not going to name (since not everyone is as open as I am), a few weeks ago. The first time we met we didn't have much of a chance to talk. Then we went out for tea a week or two ago. We chatted for about 2 hours and then I walked him home. I enjoyed our conversation and definitely saw an interesting man beneath the beautiful outer surface. However, I wasn't sure if we connected enough. I felt enough of a connection to want another chance to get to know each other further. I did appreciate the honesty and sincerity I felt with him and wanted another moment of listening to his story and getting to know him - as well as him getting to know me more. This past weekend we had that opportunity.

We met at Lobby where a friend of mine had texted that he was near and wanted to see me too. I thought this guy I was meeting was having friends come as well so I invited my friend along for hanging out. However, it ended up just being the three of us. We enjoyed chatting a bit but I wonder if my friend felt like a third wheel because he excused himself and said he'd be at Purr.

I got us each a drink, cosmo for me and Gin and Tonic for him. It made me think, when was the last time I had alcohol besides wine? I don't recall. Maybe a year or more. I know I had a few drinks at the Cuff on my 30th birthday, so maybe it was even then (which is over two years ago).

With this one drink I started to feel an unfamiliar tingling in my head. The uncontroled feeling of being high from an intoxicating substance was starting to set in and I loved it.

This guy, let's just call him "O" like "Oh my god... you're so hot!" But simply "O" is much shorter and easier.

O and I really had a nice conversation. I have to admit I enjoyed this interaction more than the first one. Maybe he was nervous during our first "date?" Maybe I was nervous? However, we opened up a little more and listened to each other's stories. He shared more about his sister and the struggles she has gone through recently and I shared my experiences with that days volunteering at the Crisis Clinic (no details of course, as we can't talk about details of the calls).

I think we chatted for about an hour and then he said he had a good friend who was flying back in to Seattle and was meeting him at Purr. When he got the text from his friend, who was now at the Purr, he invited me to tag along. I wanted to see my friend again too, whom I was sure was still there, so I went along.

We met several friends of his, all seemed like good people, and I saw a couple of my good friends. It was so nice seeing one of my friends, Jay, because I hadn't seen him in a while and I really appreciate his friendship. I did also see my other friend from earlier in the evening but he seemed pretty drunk, shirt off and was hanging out with a bunch of people. I gave him a hug and told him I'd come back later, but he seemed like he was busy so I spent more time with O and his group.

We walked by one of the outdoor bars at the Purr block party and O asked if I wanted a drink. Sure... what the hell, it's Pride right! We both had a shot of Vodka and it went down smooth - surprisingly. We made our way to the middle of the crowd, with more friend's of O's (he had a lot of friends there) and started to dance.

I forget what song was playing, probably because my focus was more on O (smile), but we were all dancing in a circle. I looked over at O and saw he was dancing with one of his girl friends, grinding up behind her and she was working it back quite well. I leaned over to whisper in her ear, "I'm so jealous of you!" She laughed and then kept grinding up on this man I wanted my hands to explore but kept saying over and over to myself, "NO Andy! Down boy! Blood should be flowing up not down!!!"

I thought about this the other day. I've had a few sexual experiences since Jason and I broke up. After each one I felt an emptiness follow. I'm not ready for sex. I do realize, thanks to my relationship with Jason, that I love sex with someone I am emotionally connected with. The short experience I had with making love to Jason was so powerful for me that I want more of it. However, I wonder if sharing myself sexually with someone now whom I don't have deep feelings for is what brings that sense of emptiness to follow?

I'm not sure I have the answer to this, or many of the questions I ask. However, I do feel like waiting to have sex until I'm in love or at least in a serious relationship, is right for me now. I also want to get to know a man really, really well before moving into such a serious relationship.

This brings me to the kiss. But first, one more drink. O went to another outdoor bar right next to our dancing circle but halfway there turned back to me to ask "you want another?" What a gentleman.

"Sure," I responded. I was feeling pretty good. But just one more! I don't even recall what it was but it was strong.

While dancing more O made his way to my side of the circle. Yay!

I kept taking little sips of my drink as I was dancing to the beat of music that I couldn't tell you either the artist or name of the song. However, it didn't matter... I just knew I was having a blast.

I was bebopping back and forth, going with the beat, and before I could object O was right behind me. "Excuse me Sir... please get your hands off me." That's what I would have said if I was sober, of course. So... the rest of the night I'll blame on the alcohol! :-) (yeah right!)

Please.... tipsy or not I wanted that man to touch me. I'm a sucker for a man with strong hands touching my body. He came up behind me and started working around my body with his hands and moved his hips in sync with mine. I backed up a little into him, just to meet him halfway of course, and we briefly danced together. Yes, I wanted to fall into his arms - but I didn't. I controlled myself, somewhat. Again, blood started flowing south. Down boy!

I wasn't even halfway through my drink but knew I had reached my max. O thankfully had a higher tolerance than I, so he politely helped me finish it. No need for good alcohol to go to waste, right?

Soon after we made our way into Purr. We walked through the crowd and each of us saw people we knew and were stopped briefly to exchange hugs and scream (because it was so loud in there - one thing I hate about clubs, you can't talk) to those we knew and were passing by.

We made it to the hallway, just before hitting the transitional stairs. They take people out of the loud craziness of the first floor to a more mellow, quiet third floor lounging area. Somehow (remember I'm a little drunk) it was just O and I in the hallway by the bathroom, just before the stairs. Everyone else was already up the stairs and waiting, as we soon found out, at the second level for us. We paused for a moment, which I don't recall why.

I just remember O being behind me and I stopped, turned 90 degrees to the left and rested my back on the wall. With my left hand I reached back toward him. I grabbed his right hand and gently pulled him close to me.

He was now in front of me, us blocking the hallway just for a moment, so if others wanted to get pass they would have to squeeze through. I lost touch with the rest of the world for that moment as O's body slide closer. Lost in my hormones wanting one thing and knowing that I wasn't ready for that healthy relationship I desire, this beautiful man was right in front of me. What was I to do, right? As his entire body was coming close to me, I felt pinned up against the wall. I let go and slowly closed my eyes craving his touch.

I took a nervous breath in, now eyes closed fully, not sure when he would make contact. It didn't take long - his lips landed on mine. We briefly kissed. It wasn't a sloppy drunk kiss, there was no tongue involved. It was simple. The kind of kiss I love. I only had a brief moment to experience the taste of his juicy lips as they gently closed down on my bottom lip. I just sank back into that wall, all in the brief second this happened, and felt taken back by this simple kiss.

I kindly opened my eyes as he was pulling back, with a smile starting to form on my face as I was feeling good.

But that smile was quickly wiped away and confusion set in. He pulled back rather rapidly and said something to the effect of, "I can't do this." The music was too loud so I couldn't hear him that well, but I think that's what he said.

I stood there, with the smile completely gone, feeling so stupid.

He turned and started to make his way to where his friends were waiting. I followed.

We made it to the top floor and we all sat together. He visited with his good friend and a couple girls he knew there and I visited with another one of his friends (cool guy) and a guy I met a year ago and had the pleasure of seeing again. However, I have to admit I kept thinking "why did he say he couldn't do that?"

He told me something extremely personal during our early one on one conversation, which even though I haven't mention him by name here I don't want to say what it was, but it kind of connected to why he maybe couldn't move forward too quick with someone. I felt bad because I initiated the kiss.

I also thought about how I truly like the fact that we've just been chatting to get to know each other and I absolutely don't want to include sex in the mix right now. I want to get to know this guy more. Just like a friend, because if it doesn't work out as a relationship then I want a friendship with him because there are things I really like about O. However, I don't passionately kiss my friends so I crossed this line that I didn't want to cross.

I know.... I know... I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And I'm really not being hard on myself. I'm not too upset by it. I know that a simple kiss doesn't mean we need to go to his house (cause we're not going to my peaceful place I call home) and have hardcore, aggressive, hanging from the chandler sex (thanks JK for this image from our talk earlier today).

Although I would like that with him... sure... I just know I would LOVE either more with regards to a relationship or more with regards to a good friendship. Just more of a real connection.

I want a healthy relationship. That's it. What's the process for getting to that healthy relationship? I don't know, but what I do know, what I feel is right for me right now anyways, in this current state of who Andrew is, is that sex complicates things for me right now.

I did get a chance to see O after the Pride parade yesterday, a day after the evening out at Purr. He stopped by my booth and I was able to briefly tell him how I was sorry about the kiss. He pulled me aside, away from his friends, and said that there was nothing to be sorry about. He said we'll talk more about it later. I look forward to talking later.

I do look forward to talking more with him and getting to know the man beyond the beautiful surface. Who is O? Hell... who is Andrew? I feel an urge to write more about who Andrew is. However, that'll have to be the next blog entry.

Right now I want to end with the thought of such a beautiful kiss. An innocent kiss really. One I'm not concerned about anymore. I'm just loving the simplicity, yet power, of it and not feeling stupid and foolish for it anymore. As I realize that I simply kissed a boy... and I liked it... but it doesn't mean I have to have sex with him. There is much more to get to know before sex comes into the picture, if it ever does.

Dear Jason

2010-06-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my first counseling session with a lady I am looking forward to seeing on an ongoing basis. Last night I decided to write a letter to Jason, in my journal, following this session. Here it is:

Dear Jason,

Saying goodbye to a boyfriend is hard. Saying goodbye to a man I made love with is even harder.

I was in a lot of pain the first week to 10 days following our breakup and revelations of dishonesty. I was confused about how this man (you), whom I opened my heart to and became quite vulnerable with, could hide so much about who he was from me.

Even after our breakup I wanted to hold you, to show you a safe place to open up as well. I was shaking on that Friday after my friend told me what happened and then you, after claiming I "never trusted you", finally admitted what occurred. However, when you admitted this and it brought tears to your eyes, I got up from the couch to comfort you. I still wanted to wrap you up in my arms and pass on that sense of peace I've felt with life, a peace that allows me to be true to myself and others. I did hold you during and after our relationship, however, I couldn't show you that safety.

I had my first counseling session today. Just in one hour I learned a lot. I look forward to my next session with this woman I am seeing. She is a relationship expert, which is perfect for me because I do desire a healthy relationship.

When sharing my life story with her we got to the point of talking about the relationship we had. I talked about the dishonesty, and my uncertainty with how dishonest you were in our partnership. I talked to her about how I felt some trust issues with past boyfriends, with you I found it hard to trust you toward the end. As I was reminded of how I felt you were hiding even more from me, I thought to myself, "The end of Anson was the best thing for me."

My counselor then asked, "What did you like about Jason?"

I paused for a moment, then smiled as I remembered.

I told her I loved how we walked hand in hand every place we went to.

I liked how you took control at the BBQ Fundraiser in Tacoma, to grill for the guests, during our first weekend together. I was proud to introduce you as my boyfriend.

I'm sure I lit up even more when I told her how I loved your touch, how I loved that every night we slept together we gave each other a kiss goodnight, laid on our backs and held each other's hands as we drifted off into sleep.

I let my tears start to flow as I told her how I loved your goofiness. I loved how you could always make me laugh. Either by locking me down on the bed with your upper body strength while tickling me to death (literally... I coulda died!) or pretending to leave our home but really still remaining in the condo - only to poke your head up from behind the kitchen counters after the door closed. Like I was a kid. But you understood me in that way, in that I was a child in the sense that this simple silliness, catching me off guard with a game of "peek-a-boo," produced an awesome laughter out loud from me.

I shared how I liked the simple relationship things we did have going for us. When we lived together there were several things that worked really well. We loved to go grocery shopping together. We did well with managing finances together. We actually did more than well, we had fun with it much of the time. You cooked and I cleaned mostly. For the most part we had what I wanted in the area of living with another man, a good flow in household chores.

I explained how I deeply appreciated your intellectual curiosity about the world - especially in areas concerning our planet and environment.

I admitted loving your physical beauty too. From your big feet to captivating smile. Your strong arms down to your beautiful legs. I told her, after feeling comfortable talking to her about sex, that I received great pleasure in our sex life. However, the sex was what I wanted to focus on more.

I feel like we had some great sexual moments. When I told you, toward the end of our relationship, that I felt like I wanted to have sex more often I was not really understanding what I was seeking. I didn't need sex more often, I needed/desired a different kind of sex. A sexual connection that I felt with you once - I needed and wanted that in our life (for both of us to feel) on a recurring basis.

You remember that one time right?

We were at your place, probably a couple months into our relationship. After some foreplay we moved into a passionate moment of me entering you. As we were engaged in this intense physical act of love making our eyes were locked on each other. Not very long, but for a moment we were connected. Connected beyond the physical level. I felt an energy, which is hard to explain with words, that surrounded both of our bodies and brought together the unseen essence of who Jason and Andrew are. It truly brought us together as Anson, more than words, time, or anything can bring two men together.

I do realize that you didn't have this same feeling. I thought in that moment you did. However, it should have been clear when you stopped me by saying, "it hurts too much." When I stopped the energy field, protecting and connecting the two of us, dissipated. We finished, by having aggressive sex, in a much less intimate and purely physical position and state of being.

From that moment on I continued to want to make love to you and somehow have you feel what I felt. Not my touch, nor my words, my openness, my vulnerability, none of it could help show you what I felt. Why is that? I know I didn't have the power to show you this amazing part of a loving connection, I didn't realize then how high your safety wall was, however I tried over and over to break it down. But I could only do so much. It's time now for you to work on that, if you desire.

Toward the later half of our relationship I explained, "Jason, I want to make love to you." In past relationships I believe I made love the best way I knew how to make love at that time. I see that I was in a similar position as you, especially with my first few relationships. I had a wall. I experienced the depth of love I was allowing myself to experience in those moments, but it stopped at a certain shallow depth. I experienced more with you. It was just a glimpse of what is possible. However, now that I see that possibility I want to experience more. I want that in my life.

I wanted it with you because I saw such powerful love when I was with you. However, I understand from my history and from what you have told me that you are not in a place in your life to offer this. I recognize that I saw you for your potential, a beautiful potential you have and can reach through your own growth, more than seeing you for who you are currently. Not that I was competely lost in the potential of Jason, but I definitely see how I was hanging on to the possible relationship we could have developed. You made a lot of growth in our relationship, as I'm realizing I did as well. It may be hard right now to see that growth, but you will. Then you'll just need to be clear with what you desire in life and continue moving toward it.

What is different in my life that allowed me to experience this depth with another man, more than I was able to before? I believe there is a combination of things. I am more settled, I feel more grounded and myself, I know more of what I want in life, I feel able to be more open and vulnerable in a loving relationship. I believe I am free to love in a way, a powerful way, that I had yet experienced. And I feel ready to explore moving deeper into who Andrew is emotionally, spiritually, physically, every aspect.

The best thing for me wasn't that we broke up, as I wrote at the beginning of this letter, although it was necessary for both of us. The best thing for me was experiencing the relationship of Anson. Meeting you, sharing so much of me with you and having the experience of loving you in such a special and intimate way. That was what was best for me.

Thank you for showing me how to love more fully. Thank you for being there as I started on this new path. Now, with the guidance of my counselor, I will explore love and relationships more and pull out more of my own areas of where I hold back intimately. I don't want to hold back anymore. I started to open up a lot with you, but even you recognized that I still held back emotionally. If I could feel that much power in just that one episode of love making I really look forward to opening up more emotionally and connecting on a deeper level with a future partner so I can experience more of that complete love with a man.

I wanted to write you this letter because a lot came out of this first counseling session. I simply wanted to write to you to say thank you for opening my eyes to possibilities. Thank you for sharing part of you with me. I do hope in the future we can build a strong friendship by sharing more with each other. Building this will take time, openness and trust. Because I care about you deeply and appreciate the closeness we have had thus far, I hope we can add on to that.

With love I say goodbye to Anson.

Andy

PS. Ironic. Blueberries are now in season.

Underwear Modeling - for a good cause

2010-06-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I received a call from a friend, we'll call him J, letting me know that him and his boyfriend (A) wanted me to come over to their place and just hang out half naked. Since these are a couple friends I've had the pleasure of swimming nude with, and them seeing me naked other times, I wasn't surprised by the clearly direct invitation. However, I didn't realize when he was saying "Our place," he was meaning, "R-Place" (a local gay club). There was an underwear modeling fundraiser at R-Place and my friend A was one of the models. It all made sense now.

I was going to be a little late because I was hanging out with a good friend of mine, Maria, at a Comedy Club. We didn't laugh as hard as we have before at comedy clubs, however, we still enjoyed each other's company.

I drove home from the comedy club, parked my car, changed my shirt and didn't even fix up my hair or anything. I just thought, "let me go to this club for an hour and then come home." I'm just not big into clubbing or going to bars. However, I enjoyed last night so I want to venture out a little more with friends in the future. Hey... I may even have a drink or two :-)

I arrived during one of the catwalks of the 7 or 8 underwear model volunteers (a fundraiser put on by Front Runners) one of which was A. After the models each made their way down the runway and back, then into their secret changing area off to the side, I made my move to an empty chair. Where was this chair? Directly over the runway on the other side. The quickest way to get there was in front of the crowd, over that runway and through woods... just joking, through the gays though. :-)

I quickly hopped over there and took my seat, but wasn't sitting for long. A guy (Brian) I knew, who I think was part of putting this fundraiser together, grabbed me and pulled me back up. Then he proceeded to try and take off my shirt... hold on buddy! I was red, burnt being in the sun too long without sunscreen. I was out on a boat on Lake Washington with a co-worker and his friend earlier in the day. Besides... I don't need to show the audience of homo's and lady friends my body. I used to take my shirt off all of the time in clubs... but that wasn't me anymore. Or was it?

He kept lifting up my shirt, trying to take a picture of my body, while purposely making a scene. The hostess (Drag Queen) came over to join in. After I sat down for probably a third time she grabbed me back up and wouldn't take no for an answer. Before I knew it I was on the stage with my shirt off. I was being judged and criticized by all these horny, drunk gay men... I felt so violated, so vulnerable, so exposed. I just wanted to curl up and cry. Mommy... please save me :-) okay... no. I took off my shirt and let the boys see me. It was fun.

Now, that should be it right? I paid my dues for sneaking across the stage when a drag queen was talking, a "no no" I found out later. But, no... the gays always want more. I was ushered to the back, the secret changing room, told to go up the stairs and found my now fellow underwear models.

Half of them I knew and of course there was my friend A, who was surprised to see me there. Another new friend, Bill, helped me get prepared and taught me how to wear a cock ring (I guess this makes the package look bigger).

I was ready to go out there in my pink C-IN2's with a nice hole in them... however, Oliver (the awesome make up/costume artist) had a new pair of cute underwear for me. Shyly, don't know why, I got changed in front of the guys, putting my cock ring on too, and followed them to the elevator. I didn't even realize R-Place had an elevator.

The elevator brought us down to the back area of the stage, where we all waited for our moment to go on. While waiting Oliver put on my make up and a touch of glitter on my skin. I was ready to be put on display, all for a good cause of course.

Oliver told me, before heading out, "you're going down the runway last so you can do your personal, individual routine." Personal, individual routine? Hmmmmm.... nobody briefed (ha... briefs) me on what to do. I was just planning on walking down, pausing for a bit and walking back. Not too hard right.

But no... like I said, the gays always want more! :-) This was the deal, as long as my underwear remained on I'm game.

I was indeed last, right after the hottest guy in the club (got his number, but I'll come back to him). I watched what each model did before me and then when it was my turn, made my way down the runway. After making my way to the end of this stage I started coming back, just like all of the other guys did. However, the hostess said, "no sweetie... you're staying up here." Or something... I just did as I was told. I stayed put. Then she mentioned something about a woman in the crowd whom I guess was donating some larger bills which our fundraising efforts appreciated. My mission given to me, right then and there, was to get $10 out of her.

I could barely make her out in the middle of the crowd because of the bright spot light right in my face. However, I started to make my way toward where I knew she was. I had to squeeze through the gays surrounding her and climb over a row of chairs. With a table still blocking my grasp of her I ducked underneath it, slid my nearly naked body up her legs, pass her mid section, to quite the set of breast ready to pop right out of their loosely held grip. I did what any man would do in that situation - I motor boated her! I dug my face deep into her cleavage and blew out making the sound of a motorboat as I whipped my head back and forth. I hope it was as good for her as it was for me! :-) Her scream was either one of laughter or pleasure, not sure, but we got the money.

I made my way back to the stage, through the now cleared path (please... Moses parted the Red Sea...blah!!! I parted the drunken, horny gays). Well... with the help of Brian, whose fault it was that I was up there in the first place.

I followed the previous path I was on, walking back to the end of the stage, and then made my way back to the dressing room. Now the guys were getting prepared for the swimsuit portion. I wasn't pushed to participate in this portion, possibly not enough swimsuits, and I wasn't about to go in my desired suit for swimming (naked). I got dressed, said bye to my friends and then started to head out.

Now lets come back to the guy I said I felt was the most attractive man in the club, the underwear model who went right before me down the runway. Let's call him G.

Now friends, I am completely aware my last relationship just ended at the end of last month. I know with regards to timing and my current feelings I'm not ready for a relationship. However, another thing I realize is that guys are interested in me and there are many opportunities to date, get in a relationship, or just get to know other single gay men. I want to have a clear understanding of what I am seeking as I know I will have situations like this over and over as I live up the life of being a single gay man.

What I do want, when I start to date again, is to slowly get to know another guy. Sure I want to be attracted to him, that's given, but there must be more attracting me then just the physical structure his soul is using.

Now though, I was simply taken back by this beautiful man in front of me. Immediately prior to leaving, after saying bye to my friends and the guys, I turned to G and asked, "Are you single?"

"Yes," he replied with a slightly shocked expression. I can be pretty direct. One thing I don't like is games. I found this man attractive, I wanted to know if we could get together for tea/coffee and chat, but prior to this I needed to know if he was single. If he was taken I wasn't about to move forward anymore. But no... he's single. Perfect.

"Can I get your number?" The next logical question, right? He put his number into my phone along with his full (also beautiful) name and I thanked him as I left.

After the guys walked down the runway one last time I sent him a text so he'd have my number and asking him out for tea/coffee. Then I saw him, now fully dressed, starting to make his way out of the club after the fundraising was complete. I stopped him, gave him a hug and I think I told him he was still beautiful with clothes on :-) I told him I'd like to sit down and chat. He was busy tonight (a day after) but said he'd call/text.

I enjoyed a few more minutes of the club (truly enjoying my time there, so I definitely want to go out a little more often - I don't have to stay out too late, as I still like getting up early on weekends AND truly value my sleep). It was nice to see some people I hadn't seen in a while too. I got a couple more numbers from different guys and finally made my way out the doors. My friends, A & J, were waiting for me outside but I took too long to make my way out (as there were many guys to talk to on my short journey from the third floor of R-Place to the door) and they called me to let me know they were heading home. I ran a few blocks to catch up to them, as I love spending time with these two guys, and walked them the rest of the way to their home.

While walking myself home I started to think about what I would desire in a partner. What I want is to be clearer with myself about what I will seek in a future partnership.

I wanted to write in this post a list of 10 things that I do want in a future partnership. My mom said that she had such a list when dating and she would take it out after a few dates with a guy and literally check off how she felt the guy "measured up." I like aspects of this approach.

Since I am in a position where men are coming into my life who are interested in dating I think it is important for me to be clear about who I want to share my life with and eventually, in the future, have a partnership with.

Now it's not just G, the underwear model, there are a couple guys actually. There is one guy who I actually work closely with. I'm not sure if he is interested in me or not but I've lightly flirted with him. A few months ago, when I was in a relationship (Ok, I acknowledge something ex's have told me - I'm a flirt), I told this guy, "If I were single I'd ask you out to dinner."

What the hell! First of all I wasn't single, so what was I saying that for? Second of all... damn it! Now I am single. :-) Uhhhhhhh.... and I've been trying to avoid asking him out on a date because I know now it's still time for me to heal. However, I still want to ask him out for tea/coffee, not quite a date, just to sit across the table from him and get to know who he is beyond his beautiful outer surface.

This guy is one of my Facebook friends also and I do realize that he may read this entry, as I believe he's read other's of mine, and I'm sure he'll know I'm talking about him. So... mister man... if you are reading... I'll be asking you to tea/coffee soon.

This all really just comes back to now is the time to focus on me but as I do that I want to lay out this list of things I feel I want in a partnership so when I'm confronted with the possibility to go out with a guy I can be more focused and simply grounded with my relationship desires. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be focused and grounded without being stubborn (I'm a Taurus and definitely can find myself being stubborn at times). This process of dating, process of falling in love, I do realize is far beyond something I can lay out with clear directives and goals and have it just go in the order I structure everything. I am a pretty structured individual (that's why I loved the Army) but I do realize that this area, love, is something I can't put too many restrictions and requirements on. It has to mostly be directed by how I feel. However, I feel like it's okay and healthy to have some clear desires for a foundation I want in a partnership while letting everything else play out as it should, organically.

Here are 10 things I can currently think of that I desire in a partner (not in order of importance). Some are taken from my Healthy Sex, Healthy Relationship blog:

1) Physical beauty. I'm putting the physical aspects out there first just because it's something each of us needs (to be physically attracted to our partner) but I want to get it done with so I can move on to more important characteristics of a man. Physically I am attracted to guys who are about my height or taller. I have found myself more attracted to guys who have a different ethnic/cultural background then myself, however, definitely not limiting to just outside of my race. I love physical activities and do desire to do them with a future partner so someone who is physically fit and takes care of their body is important to me. I'm not talking about someone who spends hours every day in the gym, but like me, someone who spends enough time in the gym to feel happy with their body and also time doing outdoor activities like hiking, kayaking, etc. I'm going to put this under the physical category, just because I don't know where else to put it, but someone who is HIV + would be ideal. Now, all of the guys I've dated after finding out my status have been HIV-, so I'm completely open to dating someone who is HIV-, however I just think there may be some ease in dating another fellow man living with HIV. I must be physically attracted to the man, which is a given. However, I really have found that physical beauty changes with the individuals personality.

2) Fun. I love to laugh. I don't know how many times I've said this to people or wrote this line in my blog and/or journal, but I'll repeat it... I LOVE to laugh. I like to do silly things, like dancing naked in my condo. It just frees my spirit and it feels like nothing can hurt me. I love that freeing feeling. I also have some, hmmmm, well, I guess unusual laughs. One time I was in this Sponge Bob phase with my laughing. I haven't heard Sponge Bob come out recently, but my laugh just naturally ranges from a little school girls laugh to a teenage nerds snorty laugh. I can't, nor do I want to, restrict my laugh. It just is. Now most boyfriends, and friends, have laughed at my laugh. And I love that... makes me laugh more :-) It's important for me to have fun in life and, lately, I have felt like I have let go more and have had fun.

3) Honesty. There's really not much to say here. I just want someone to be honest with me. Just lay it all out. We all screw up, I've screwed up a number of times in my life. And I won't say that I have been completely honest with each of my boyfriends, even my last relationship. However, I will still continue focusing on "checking my ego at the door," and opening up with that vulnerable side to be lovingly honest with my partner. I crave being with a man who can have the same intention of honesty with me.

4) Family orientated. I definitely see myself having a family. I was spending time with a friend today and we were both checking out families in the Pike Market area. Either there were a lot of families out today or we both were very aware of all of the kids and families because we both want children. I want a man, as my partner, who is good with children and wants them. I would like us to adopt two kids and possibly one or both of them be children living with HIV (it's really hard for children living with HIV to find a home).

5) Affectionate. I love touch! I just love it. I have had a range of partners in the past - from one's pushing away from any physical touch while in public to those who will walk down the street in ALL areas of town holding my hand. I definitely will have the latter kind of guy in my future relationship. If I want to touch my man and hold his hand then I will do that. I don't want to only be affectionate with him on Capitol Hill, if I feel like I want to give him a sweet kiss and touch him affectionately while walking downtown then I should be able to do that, and will. Along with the fact that I am affectionate I definitely need a man who is affectionate as well AND who is receptive to my touch.

6) Passionate. I am a very passionate person in life and love. I definitely desire to be with someone who is passionate about life. I don't care if you work at QFC (maybe I should find that QFC boy I wrote about a year ago) just as long as you are doing what you love and you are passionate about it. I will admit I do find a guy who really appreciates his work, and dives into it, pretty sexy. Also passion in love too. My partner really needs to be emotionally available and vulnerable. To me this allows for a passionate lover. I want to explore my man's body as he lay vulnerably naked on the bed, just being there for me to explore, but I want that man to explore my body as well. I realize, in looking back in my relationships, that I really desire to be with someone whom I am sexually compatible with too. I like giving and receiving and want someone who can do both as well. Sex is not everything but it is important in a loving partnership. I do want that loving balance with a man.

7) Confident. I am a fairly confident man. I don't believe I am cocky in my confidence, I desire to have a humble confidence. Now, don't get me wrong, I will joke around a lot about silly things that may appear to others as a cocky confidence (saying, "I could have him..." or something like this) but for those who know me well it's truly just me being silly. Confidence to me about being grounded and secure in who I am. It feels so good being at this point in my life. This doesn't mean that I don't have moments of feeling insecure and less confident - I definitely have those moments. It wasn't last night.... when I was walking down the runway in underwear :-) but I do have them periodically (like for the week following my recent breakup). That's part of the beautiful, imperfect being that I am. I want a man who is secure in who he is but not cocky about who he is.

8) Intellect. I really like what I wrote about this category in my recent blog entries: Healthy Sex, Healthy Relationship. So I'll just re post that here. I love to be intellectually stimulated. I love having good, deep, intellectual conversations with friends, family members, co-workers and lovers. When I have these type of conversations with lovers it even turns me on! Someone who likes to debate topics, respectfully, is hot. This doesn't mean that the someone I date in the future will need any level of formal education. Just someone who has a deep interest in the big world out there and challenges me to think differently about the world.

9) Spiritual. I just went to this spiritual Center again this morning with a friend: The Center for Spiritual Living. Here they recognize and discuss all different religious and spiritual beliefs. I really started getting into it even more today and enjoyed both today's message and the singing. I was up dancing and clapping with a few others... it felt good. I do desire a man in my life who has some spiritual connection, as I am developing mine, which we can share with each other.

10) Communication. I saved the best for last. I love communication. I love sharing my stories (in writing and verbally) and I love listening to other people's stories. I desire a man who frees himself to communicate. Let me know who you are. I like to sit over tea when getting to know someone, look into his eyes and take in what he's telling me. I want to explore the intimacy of "eye gazing" with a future partner too. Now, this isn't something we'll be doing on the first date... however, I desire to be with someone who will open himself up emotionally and gaze into my eyes and not be afraid (or at least acknowledge any fear that presents itself) when I gaze into his eyes. Also, I want to know the little and major things about this man AND I have really appreciated past boyfriends who had the desire to know the little and major things about me. I have written a lot in these past blog entries. If I was dating someone who had a blog about his life like I have laid out here I would start at the beginning and read each one. I would want to read about his life, if I am thinking about sharing my life with him, and then ask more detailed questions in person. I guess that's doing my homework :-) but I really desire a man who takes interest in me on a deeper level then just the physical being I am.

Patience is what I'm reminding myself of now. Patience in allowing the right person to come into my life and patience in developing that relationship when I feel like someone is where I am in life and we can look at coming together as one unit.

One thing that I realized with my last relationship is that each beautiful man is on his own path. I want to give myself time to see his path, and recongize whether our paths are going in similar directions or not. This is something that he and I will need to talk about and just be honest with each other. I also give myself permission to casually date guys and see that it's okay if the dating only last for a few months and ends, if we realize we don't fit together in a partnership. I have this stronger desire now to be in a long-term relationship, however, I need to remind myself that this takes time and patience.

I am reminded also of something my mom once told me about dating. She said, "Be the man you want to date." Simple, but great advice. This list of 10 things I want in a partnership is not just about what I want in a partnership, it's what I want in my own life.

For example, someone who is physically in shape and taking care of his body, that's important to me too. I realized I got out of the gym for a bit there and really enjoy going in the mornings. Now I'm back to it. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't out of shape... but it's not just about having fat on my body it's about the positive feeling I get from taking care of my phsyical body. I feel good throughout the day when I work out in the morning.

In taking care of me I'll continue looking at each of these 10 areas and see how I can improve my life within each area. I no longer have a strong belief that I need to be "perfect" before I can date again. That's not something I feel anymore. Besides, I really don't like that word perfect. What's perfect, right?

It's not about me checking off this list for myself and saying "when I meet each one of these 10 areas 100% then I will be this perfect Andrew and can offer myself to the world." Okay... that almost sounded kind of whorish actually :-) I don't want to offer myself to the entire world.... just one loving man.

I will have that loving man in my life when I am not perfect, but just back to the settled whole person that I feel like I am coming back to right now. It feels good to have that peace, which never really left, take me back in it's arms and take care of me. As I am in a good place in my life, and I listen to the gut feelings I have as I move forward, I will connect with that loving man I desire to be with. As they say, I just need to keep my eyes open. Part of keeping my eyes open is being clear about the kind of guy I want to share my life with. This entry has helped me with that clarity and now, I'm off to living life and connecting more with those already in my life: friends, co-workers, family.

Spirituality

2010-06-06T15:27:00.001-07:00

My last post was about taking care of me. Part of taking care of me is revealing, and nurturing, that spiritual side of Andrew.

As I've mentioned in several posts already, I grew up in an extremely conservative and religious environment. I remember the Pastor/Preacher up front crying once talking about how Jesus died for our sins and that we are all sinners. Even as a child I knew there was something off about this.

My mom would make my siblings and I go to church (with good intentions), but she would let us bring something to keep busy - I would bring a puzzle book. I remember sitting there doing my puzzle book and listening to this guy talk and I just thought it was so pathetic. What was the point of church? Why go somewhere to learn about how you're such a horrible person?

I'm no longer going to let my past negative influence of religion affect me today. Today I want to explore who Andrew is spiritually. What speaks to me when I silence past influences, present distractions and just truly listen to God - as I believe God is simply a powerful energy which guides us all as individuals and as one collective unit.

I haven't heard God within me speak yet... or maybe I have and just didn't recognize it as God. However, I do believe as I continue meditating and clearing out the clutter in my mind, I will feel/hear the messages I need to feel and hear.

This morning I did decide to try out this spiritual place called Center for Spiritual Living (CSL). There were parts that I didn't really feel (parts about churches asking for money never sat well with me) but parts that really spoke to me.

I don't believe there will be a church or spiritual location that is perfect for what I feel is true in the world. However, if I can go somewhere (like CSL) and receive some personal growth from it then it has served it's purpose for me.

What did I learn today?

Law of Cause and Effect:

The Reverend spoke about the law of cause and effect. As she said, the Buddha simply states, "when this happens... that happens." Many of us often think of cause and effect on a surface level. However, she spoke of the cause coming from our concious. She spoke of people having a "success conciousness," where this concious is programmed to have the effect of success in their life.

When looking deeply inside, where does my concious stand? How is it effecting my life? And, how do I change it so the effects will be positive? Questions I'm beginning to ask.

Law of Attraction:

The law of attraction states that I will attract whomever and whatever situation fits my current state of consciousness.

I have always said that we can really tell a lot about people from who their friends are. I have some pretty cool friends and I want to continue to meet new guys and gals and really focus on the quality individuals. However, I question if there are some people in my life whom I call "friends" but it's time to let go of our connection. Perhaps I need to let go.

Law of Attention:

What I give my attention to will increase. Giving my attention to the pain that Jason has left and the pain that we no longer share a life together will keep that pain around and increase within me.

However, giving attention to what works in my life will bring more working in my life. I truly believe this.

What is working in my life? Although this past week was terribly difficult there is still a lot I can see that is working:

- I have this great condo. A space that I really love and feel comfortable in.

- I have a great car. It's paid off and is new so it doesn't break down :-)

- I have good friends and close relationships with many family members.

- A minor thing, I got a little storage area in my condo building, which is perfect because now I can store away things I don't use often and have more empty space in my condo.

- My personality. My smile. I know this past week I haven't been smiling as much as I used to however, there have been some moments of laughter and smile. I caught my smile once as I was walking by the mirror and thought to myself "I'm coming back." I just LOVE to smile, it feels good.

- I was accepted to Seattle University for Graduate school in Community Counseling. I start this summer and am very excited about that.

- I have a great circle of friends and family whom love and support me.

Quite a bit working for me.

Law of Compensation:

As you give, you will receive. As you breath out, you will breath in.

I love volunteering at the King County Crisis Line. I love to give back my time and just sit there and listen to folks who need a listening ear. I truly believe giving back to my community is important for my soul.

This is what I got out of the talk at CSL today. I'll be bringing a new friend to the service next week and perhaps, if I feel like I get something out of that one, I'll write another blog then.

Taking Care of Me

2010-06-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was really hard. Starting Friday night to this morning. I actually lost about 6-7 pounds over the weekend. I'm not trying to lose weight though, I really want to gain more. I guess that's what happens when one doesn't eat much, drink enough water and is terribly sad. I just didn't feel like I could eat.

This morning I cried more. Jason was over here last night and we talked. I told him that I would like to have him stay the night, just for one last night touching each other, but he said it was too hard for him. We both talked, cried and I held him on the bed for a bit. It felt good. It felt like I was saying goodbye, which was both hard but also good for me.

One friend told me that when going through a rough time it's like being tied down to a railroad track (isn't that true). But he said to remember that there's no train coming. If feels good to repeat those words. It is hard, I do feel tied down and it's hard doing stuff with the reminder of the good times Jason and I had, however, I'm going to be okay because there's no danger around the corner because we're no longer together.

Now it is time for me to hold myself. As another friend told me tonight, give myself a big hug. It's time to take care of Andrew.

This morning it was hard waking up alone. I still got up and went to the gym. One thing I have wanted to do, and don't know why I haven't yet, is to workout more and gain just a little more muscle mass. I just did a simple workout but it felt good. I almost cried while running on the treadmill but the crying didn't start until I was getting my day ready. I sat on my bathroom floor and balled. I just held myself.

One step at a time.

One thing that has helped me so far is yet a third friends advice of being present with things I do. I was planning on going sailing tonight (changed to next week) with another friend (my friends and family have been such a great support) and my friend reminded me of something I like to do to remain present. He said to take in sailing with all five senses. He said to smell the water, feel the breeze (and possibly rain), taste the rootbeer I'll bring from TJ (my favorite), listen to the commands given and just sit back to take in the beautiful sights all around.

Right now it's about me. As Ken said, just focus on me right now. I don't have to figure out what went right or wrong in the relationship. Although I already titled another (unposted) blog "Lesson's Learned," like Ken said I don't have to learn the lessons of this relationship right now. Now is the time to heal. He said, wait until I heal and then I can use my "wise mind" to learn all the lessons I need to learn. I give myself permission to grow, from my loving relationship with Jason, in the future. I won't forget or miss any important lessons. Right now, I'm taking care of Andrew.

Three things I can do to focus on me: laugh, spend time with family and friends, focus on work and school.

I started this today. I blasted my music and, although I was clothed (love dancing naked), I just danced around my condo. It felt so good. I used to dance more... typically naked... not sure why I stopped but it's coming back. ;-)

I've been already spending time with friends. It feels so good.

I also spent sometime with my sister and the family. Here is what my neices did to my hair :-)

I laughed later when I unexpectedly saw my new hairdo in the mirror.

Although I may cry a bit more... I will laugh too. It feels so good to laugh.

Healthy Sex, Healthy Relationship

2010-05-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

Each month I join a meeting for health care providers who work with MSM (men who have sex with men) where we discuss a variety of topics. The monthly "Salon" is described in the following way:

The Salon offers an opportunity for all types of providers who work with gay and bisexual men to meet regularly for discussion, education and networking on topics relevant to the physical and emotional health of gay/bi men, including but not limited to HIV/STD prevention and care.

Here was the agenda and speaker for this month:

Healthy Sex - Imagine the Possibilities!

• Examine definitions of intimacy and sexuality
• Engage in critique of heterosexual paradigms for sex and relationships
• Explore models for healthy eroticism

Rae Larson will guide this stimulating dialogue.

Rae brings expansive perspective on this topic with her experiences as:
- Eminent director of the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education and Research
- Former Director of Seattle Counseling Service
- Board member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality
- Licensed Mental Health Counselor
- Clinical Sexologist

A perfect conversation to have as my relationship was coming to a close.

During the first few minutes of the discussion we broke into groups of three and brainstormed ideas of what "healthy sex" and "healthy relationship" meant to us. Then we brought all of the smaller groups ideas together. Here are the two lists we came up with.

Healthy Sex:

- condoms
- consensual
- fun
- intimate
- exploration
- appreciation
- emotional connection
- feels good
- mutually beneficial
- non-physically consequential (no STD)
- vulnerable
- pleasurable
- joyful
- respectful
- playful
- creative
- open communication
- trust
- present
- responsible
- guilt free
- satisfying
- active
- openness
- beyond penetration
- non-exploitive
- non-emotionally scarring
- expressed in respected boundaries
- safe
- honoring
- imaginative

Healthy Relationship:

- long-term commitment
- self-respect
- both get what they want
- mutual support
- committed
- good communication
- power dynamics - agreed upon differences
- agreement on nature of relationship
- love
- passion
- non-judgemental
- internal validation
- unique
- successful
- connection
- challenges/critiques heterosexual norms
- compromise
- sharing
- assets greater than liabilities
- 2 independent people who care for each other
- forgiveness
- shared values
- being present
- honesty
- acceptance of "stuff"
- parallel goals
- like each other
- sexual vs friendships questions
- value each other
- move past homosexual oppression
- external validation
- someone who inspires you

What a couple of lists huh. It was a great brain storming activity and follow up discussion.

During the discussion we talked about many of the items from this list and our guide, Rae, pointed out some goods tips for helping to strengthen a relationship.

Two of these tips were "eye gazing" and how to feel the love from each partner. I wrote briefly about how each one related to my now past relationship of Anson (Andy + Jason = Anson) in, conveniently, my previous blog titled ------ Anson.

Eye gazing is something I've practiced before without giving it a definition. Without words spoken each partner gazes into the others eyes. Now, as Rae explains, giggling may occur, especially with me, as I like to giggle. However, it's interesting to see each person's reactions. If your partner rolls his eyes or just stops, possibly thinking it's "ridiculous," then that goes beyond giggling. The "therapy" is over by that time. The idea is to build intimacy and that takes courage, love, dedication and patience. Each of which I definitely have further work in developing within myself. However, I do see how eye gazing builds intimacy and I truly hope to use this technique in the future.

How to feel the love your partner has for you. Rae talked about recording things. She said that when two people (or more) are together in a committed relationship then each should ask the question "what does my partner(s) need to do/say so I feel the love he/she has for me?" I realized that this comes back to intimacy for me. It's one thing to say "I love you" over and over. It's a completely other thing to show it. How each of us shows it and how each of us feels the love, may be different for us all. However, the idea is to talk about this expression of love back and forth and all around. Hmmm.... imagine that... it all circles back to communication.

I think healthy communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship.

That takes me to what are the qualities I see in a future healthy relationship. Since my past relationship is so fresh (three days ago I was partnered, the next day I was single) this list I want to write out for myself may not be complete, however, I just want to take this time, after this great training session, to reflect on things I do want in a future healthy partnership:

Communication - I already mentioned communication, however, it is so important to me that I need to give it it's own section. My past two relationships have been my best with regards to good communication. I've felt able to open up more and it seemed like my partners were able to open up as well as receive the information. When dating someone in the future I will be very aware of their eye contact. I know I have been told (not just by Jason) that I stare intensely into another's eyes (friends, family, lovers, etc) and it's been seen as a good thing by some and not so good by others. To me I love it. I love to stare at people. Okay... not stare at people, but I love feel the individuals soul and I truly feel like I get a sense of who that person is when I am intensely locked onto his/her eyes while listening. I will strengthen my listening skills too. I want to truly feel what someone is sharing with me. Take every bit of information in and see how it feels within myself. Just be present with that man or woman as he/she shares his/her personal story or simple aspects about his/her day. Being aware about the communication back and forth is important for me to gain an understanding of how he/she and I would work in a relationship.

Honesty - As I was in the middle of writing this blog, last night, I found out that Jason lied to me a month or two ago. I don't want to go into it too much here... but I will just say that honesty is something I will give to my partner. If my partner wants to have a healthy relationship he must give that to me as well. I feel so hurt after just finding out. I questioned, what happened between him and my friend? It's hard. Why is lying something so hard for me to take from others? I was actually shaking after I learned about the deception. Time will heal this, I know, but right now I just feel so violated and hurt. I'm definitely not mad at Jason. I don't think he is a bad person. We all do things we're not proud of. I did something too with a friend of his that wasn't right. The thing I am proud of is that one hour after this happened, it was so hard, but I told him every detail I could think of. He talked to his friend the next day and he understood where I and his friend were coming from. What I'm not proud of is that a day or two later I thought of another detail that didn't paint his friend in such a pretty picture and I kept that to myself. The thought kept coming up and I would push it back down. In the future, how do I know that the right thing is to talk more about even something I already talked about? I know it's the right thing to do when the thought of it keeps coming into my mind. When my conscious says to open up with more it will tell me. I just need to listen and then do what I feel/know is right, more for myself but definitely for those I say "I love you" to.

Vulnerability - After being hurt in this last relationship I realize I really open up my vulnerability. I don't want to change this, perhaps just pace myself more in the future. One thing I can learn from this recent breakup is that it's okay, and sometimes necessary, to allow myself to slowly be vulnerable - get to know the person in front of me a bit more. Feeling what is going through me when having a conversation with one of these loved individuals in my life is important. When I allow myself to feel I know when I am either preventing myself from being vulnerable or letting my vulnerability shine.

Financial Security - I've dated guys who are in different places in their lives financially, understandably. I won't go into too much detail about where Jason was, but I will say that I think one thing he would agree that he learned from our relationship was taking care of his finances and learning how to budget a bit. Someone in the future who is financially secure would be ideal. I have to say that I so appreciate how Jason and I flowed well together with similar goals and focus financially. We would sit together on the 21st of every month and go through our receipts to see who paid for what during the past month. We would then balance it out. He even mentioned that it was kindof fun and it really was. It was also a healthy part of our partnership because it was working out those minor details of a relationship that if they don't get worked out they could turn into something major (money can definitely do some damage to a partnership). I have to say that I'm really proud of Jason and I for working so well together in this area. Yay! We get a "plays well with others" grade as I think I got in Kindergarten :-)

Spirituality - I'm still exploring my spiritual side however, it would be nice in the future to connect with a man who is on a similar playing field in the spiritual realm. Now, there are several of these areas I'm writing about that I will take time out, during this time of being single, to look at who I am as an individual and strengthen those areas I will seek in someone else, in myself first. This is one of those areas I will give more attention and dedication to.

Intellect - I love to be intellectually stimulated. I love having good, deep, intellectual conversations with friends, family members, co-workers and lovers. When I have these type of conversations with lovers it even turns me on! Someone who likes to debate topics, respectfully, is hot. This doesn't mean that the someone I date in the future will need any level of formal education. I've dated guys with a range of educational backgrounds. Jason has some post High School education himself. However, the thing that didn't work with Jason was that he believed (believes) that he's not very smart. He has this little saying "pull the pretty card on that one," when he says or does something silly or stupid. It's even on his voicemail message. I'm just a big believer in the words we use about ourselves (to ourselves and others) really has an impact on the person we become. By Jason making statements over and over about how he has more going for him with his looks over his intellect, then he and others will believe that as well. I'm not going to sit her and say that I'm perfect in the area of not talking poorly about myself... read my blog "Loser" and you'll see that I've done this as well. So, this paragraph is just a reminder to myself too. And I did follow up to my "Loser" blog with a strong entry: "Loving Me". As far as an intellectual man as my partner in the future I just want that man who has an intellectual curiosity about life and engages in those intellectually stimulating conversations.

Fun - When I'm not sad, I'm a pretty fun and loving guy :-) I love dancing naked in my apartment with the music or no music at all. Someone who can just let go with life, dance naked alone or with others, shows a lot about that person. For God's sake, we have one life, live it. Also someone who shares some common interests like: outdoor activities, card and board games, reading and such, would be ideal. I liked that Jason and I shared the love of several things.

Balance - Of course no relationship will be perfectly balanced and I wouldn't want this because it would take away so much of the fun of negotiating different aspects of the relationship. However, I will seek a partnership that has some balance in key areas and with a partner who realizes that as we teeter back and forth we always try to bring it back to some semi balanced, peaceful state. One area of balance I need to be honest with myself about wanting comes down to sex. First of all to ask each other the question, "what is making love to you?" and to understand each other's answer and be able to provide that for the other person, is important. Also though to go into a relationship knowing what I like sexually. I started off being a complete bottom - loved it. Then I moved into some relationships being mostly a top - enjoyed it. Now, I realize I am somewhere in the middle of this range. If there were a scale, let's say 1-10 with 1 being a top and 10 being a bottom, right now I feel like I am a 6.5. The majority of the time I like letting go and receiving my partner but there are times I want my partner to be able to let go and receive me. Partnering with someone who is a 3.5 on this rictor scale would be perfect. However, since I know perfection is not what I seek, I'll go with an ideal range somewhere between 2-5 on the scale :-)

Confident - I know I can continue to improve on my confidence. I will continue doing that by putting my heart into my work and Grad school and cherishing those little things I love about myself. I see myself in the future with a man who is confident. Who knows who he is (for the most part) and is secure in presenting the man within to the world, as well as to me.

Selfless Love - I was exploring what selfless love means to me and I will continue to explore it. Someone who understands selfless love would be beautiful. Having this with both of us would be amazing. When two whole people come together to form a partnership there has to be some flexibility with becoming one unit - while of course remaining independent to some extent. In looking back I see some areas I could have improved on this. For example, Jason loves Christmas. When we were together during Christmas he mentioned he wanted a small Christmas tree to put up in what was then my studio (he hadn't moved in yet). I didn't get it. I just told him how I thought Christmas was kind of silly and I'm not religious so why celebrate it, kind of thing. But you know what, I'm not even really passionate about celebrating it or not. This is one area where I could have realized that my desire to not celebrate Christmas was mediocre and his desire to celebrate Christmas was high, so to best serve the partnership in this area I should have gotten the tree and gave that to him. That's what selfless love should be about. Recognizing when something is more important for another person then it is for you to do or not do it and give that to him/her. I'm sure there are areas where Jason could have been more flexible too... but in looking back I just think this area was silly, selfish and controlling of me. I don't believe that everything I think and believe is the truth of the world and others (especially those whom we call each other our lover and partner) need to suscribe to that truth. But you know what, in looking back on my relationship with Jason I sure acted like that at times. This was one of those times. It's good to be a whole, fairly independent person going into a relationship but not so stubbornly stuck in your (my) ways - I might as well stay single if I want to be stuck in my ways because a relationship has to be about two whole people coming together to create something beautiful, powerful, as one. I write this all now so in the future when I do start to date I can remind myself of how to be in a healthy relationship, because honestly I didn't get that exposure to a healthy relationship as a child. I've got to learn that from my own experiences, lessons from those around me and listening within. Also, I need to know that I have someone I can count on. If I'm hurting and need loving compassionate arms, then I want a partner who can see that in me and hold me. As I will give him the same when I see he needs that attention and presence (and we both need to be vulnerable to some extent to allow each other to be helped by the other). There will be times when one needs the other more and I just hope that the person I give myself to in the future understands this support back and forth. I think intimacy is important here too. We could use the "eye gazing" technique to build intimacy. And someone who can practice selfless love, I believe, would be a great partner and, since I would like kids one day, father as well.

Physically - I like tall, dark and handsome men. Who doesn't, right? I would also appreciate someone who is attractive but humble as well. Humility is hot. I've dated guys who at first I thought were okay physically but then they possessed just awesome characters and overtime the boyfriend would physically look more attractive to me. However, I've also dated a guy or two who were gorgeous.. then after some months his personality would come through and it didn't match up with what I sought and physically I saw him differently. It's interesting how that works. We humans are drawn in by what we see. When I met Jason at the BBQ for the first time I was drawn in by the fact that he is a physically attractive man. I was taken back when I saw him and thought to myself "I want to get to know this guy." I think it's important to be physically attracted to the person I date in the future but I don't want that attraction to blind me to what is important for me in a partnership. I want to spend quality time with an individual when I start dating. I want to take my time to get to know him. Most of my relationships I've moved into being sexual with them so quickly. I want to explore (when I'm ready to date again) being celibate with the man I date for a certain time period. 30 days maybe? I don't know what a good time frame for me would be. However, the idea is that I want to first take this guy out on a date. Listen to his life story and share mine. I want to be present with him as we do that. I want to have several dates, learn about this person. I don't want to get distracted by his physical beauty. Or... when I do get distracted by his physical appearance I want to recognize that I'm distracted. Then come back to what is important to me in a loving, healthy relationship. And also, remind myself that I'm not going to find the "right" guy on my first date. It's okay to say "it was nice to meet you but I don't feel like we are right for each other" or something like that. Just be true to me and my interactions with others will be strengthened.

This is a picture of when Jason and I first met:

It reminds me that even though I was taken back by his good looks I was still really interesting in the conversation. He had a lot to share and I loved listening to his story. Even though I'm hurting right now, I do hope we can have a healthy connection in the future. It was obvious to me in that first interaction that there was more to this man than skin deep. I knew there was more than just a beautiful shell of a man. I was thinking "a beautiful, articulate man.... scored!" I started to see then that he had one thing I mentioned above, an intellectual curiosity with life. Later in our relationship I appreciated how he was so excited about learning more about our planet and environmental causes and how he helped me move more into this direction. However, I found out he was with someone at the time of the BBQ, so it didn't work out. Until a couple weeks later that is.

Rae also mentioned two others things I took note of. First the importance of increasing a tolerance for differences. For example, Jason and I had a lot of similarities... it was pretty cool. We had a lot of similar likes and dislikes. However, as similar as we are there are differences. It is important to bring up those differences, explore them and learn to appreciate and love my partner and his differences.

Finally, I like how Rae said something to the effect of "if you want to get to a particular state then act like you're there already." If, in the future, I want to be with a partner who holds the values and is of the character I described above, then this is the time for me to start strengthening these areas within myself.

Mahatma Gandhi's probably most popular quote, which I absolutely love, is "be the change you want to see in the world." This can obviously come down to be the change I want to see in a future partnership. Before I dated Austin I was happy being a single man and even a bit hesitant to move into the relationship with Austin because I was happy. I even told a friend of mine that I didn't want to start dating Austin because I was happy. I started dating Jason just a few months after Austin and I broke up. I didn't give myself the needed time to grieve and get back to loving me. I was living the life of a single man, enjoying my alone time and really learning about myself. Now I'm back there, single again. Right now, since the breakup is so fresh, it's hard. It feels so lonely. Last night Jason even stayed at this guys house who he has been talking to at the gym - that hurt more. I even sent him a text message saying "I know you're out having fun right now. But I have to admit, I'm thinking about you and missing you." I wished I didn't write it after I sent it because I was already laying there until 1am so hurt. It was like my heart was more than broken, it was crushed. I was rolling around and it just felt like the room was warm and my heart was having a hard time beating. It really hurt. I know in time I will get back to enjoying Andrew and strengthening and understanding me a bit more.

Right now, after I allow the tears to flow, I will get back to giving me the love and attention I need. Well, I guess during the tears flow AND immediately after.

However, the only thing is I'm not sure exactly where I want to be? I can't live Rae's advice of being where I want to be if I don't know where that is. How do I want Andrew to be defined. Right now is a good time for myself, really taking care of me. This doesn't mean that I have to, or want to, be celibate at all. That may come when I start dating again. It also doesn't mean that I want to jump into another relationship. In time I will. I want to explore what is healthy to me. First I want to explore what is healthy sex to me then I'll move onto what is a healthy relationship.

Exploring healthy sex means I give myself permission to explore healthy sex - period. Now is the time in my life for that. I was thinking about this on my drive back from Spokane, where I was for work. I've been a little adventerous before sexually. I've kind of had two threesomes (one didn't really work out with one of the guys and the second one we just played around orally). However, when I did have these threesomes or when I slept with someone that I knew would just last for a one night stand, I was filled with guilt right after. Why should I feel guilty for having sex? Sex is a natural, healthy part of life.

I think many of us gay men are raised in environments where we are told that you need to find one person and spend the rest of your life with them. At least that was what I was told. Of course it was a girl that I was supposed to find, fall in love with and live happily ever after. I did find a girl, had my relationship (longest one I've ever had) and after two years we ended it. That was high school. I didn't come out until at the age of 19, after joining the military. I wrote a lot about coming out in my post "How I Contracted HIV."

It's funny to me that my family members would talk about a healthy relationship like they were living it and they were the examples we needed to live up to. What they didn't talk about was, well, the truth. They weren't living a healthy relationship. Whether it was the drinking that led some to beating their kids, the emotional abuse, the affairs of husbands as well as the wifes, I could go on. But through it all, many of them stayed in their relationships, just for the sake of staying in their relationships. "For the kids," was the biggest reason I heard why a married couple stayed together. My parents used that reasoning too.

Well, if you read my "Pain-Body" blog entry you would understand that my upbringing was not a healthy family life for kids. If parents truly want to do right by their children, divorce may be a better solution for the entire family. My mom admits now that she and dad probably never should have gotten married. They did though... and stayed together for about 21 years - for the children. They waited until I, the youngest, was just about to leave the house. This was what they did back then, if the woman got pregnant, the two of you got married. No longer, we don't have to do that any longer as a society.

The lying and hiding things and going behind a "lover's" back is not what I consider a healthy relationship. And this unhealthy relationship hurts the family unit either by indirectly coming through in interactions or directly finally coming out as the lies they are. I do not give them permission anymore to judge me or criticize my character either because I'm a gay man, a man living with HIV, or a man who enjoys having sex with other men. They do not have that power over me anymore. They tried to teach me, preach to me, what being a "good boy" meant while living such hypocrosy.

Through my upbringing I was hardwired to believe that homosexuals were lesser individuals. We mocked the homosexual man - leaving the homosexual woman alone, for some reason she wasn't as threatening. It was engrained in me that homosexual men were whores. That they slept around with everyone. These deviants would even take your husband, if you didn't keep an eye on them. That we would sleep with any man that would have us. Often without emotion and connection, because we just wanted to get down to business and have hardcore sex. They were just doing it for the physical gratification - as if there is something wrong with that even.

I spent enough time trying to be this "good boy," the image of what society and my family had for me (prior to coming out) without listening to what I wanted for me. Then I moved into this frame of mind, when I knew I was gay and wasn't turning back, that I needed to prove to myself and my family that a gay man can be that "good boy" too (be monagamous, not have one night stands, etc). That all feel apart when I contracted HIV. Now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of not being true to me. At the end of life all that will matter is that our higher power sees we treated others how we wanted to be treated, did good things for our fellow living creatures, humans and planet, had a butt load of fun (yes, we can have fun), and kept true to ourselves.

Let's just say I grew up in a very socially and religiously conservative family. Being gay was not an option and perhaps that's why I was able to hide my sexuality from myself for so long. I remember my cousins talking about "going gay bashing" when we were about 14 years old. We never actually did anything to anyone, thankfully, but just the fact that we were living with that anger toward homosexuals disturbs me.

It is now up to me to define what it means to be a "good boy." It's not this messed up verison of how we need to stay in one relationship for our whole life. It's what feels natural and right when I silence all other things and listen to God (or the Universe) within me. That listening will show me the path. What does it mean to be a "good boy?" Being honest, for one, being true to my fellow human, being loving to him/her as well and not hurting another physical, emotionally or otherwise. That's what being a good boy to me is.

The first time I had sex, as I talked about in my blog about coming out and contracting HIV, I was concerned that I could have contracted HIV and I felt so disgusted in myself for being sexual with another man. It felt wrong to me. Not because I was paying attention to the real me... listening within. It felt wrong because of what society and my family had taught me. I didn't have sex, or even touch another guy intimately, for about a year after that.

The next time I had sex, I made love. It was with my first boyfriend. It felt great. I started to see that I could make love with a man.

Right now I do want to explore my sexuality a bit more. I've had sex with men and women in the past, not a ton, but I've had my share. However, in looking back I realize that I often felt guilty with many of the sexual experiences. I felt guilty that I wanted to do it and I felt guilty afterwards. But then, I would do it again. How can I really allow myself to let go and explore, if I feel guilty? I don't feel guilty anymore. If I feel sexually connected to another man, let me have consentual sexual relations with that man (or more than one).

I want to do me. It is time in my life, at 32 years old to do me. I want to do what feels right for me - not what society and some screwed up "standards" says is right. I want to listen within and go with my gut.

Right now I'm not interested in being in a relationship. I just wanted to write above what I would like in a healthy relationship in the future, while it was on my mind. I am interested in pursuing healthy sex through exploring the sexual being of Andrew. With freedom from guilt I want to explore sex more and simply be playful and enjoy the process. Perhaps it won't feel guilt free right away, I may still have some guilt lingering on. It may take time to be free of that guilt. In the meantime, I'm just telling Andrew that it's okay to be the sexual being that you are.

Thanks Rae and Kathy for this wonderful discussion - obviously I got a lot out of it. I look forward to more discussions in the group around sex, as well as our other discussions, as they are all really great. I think this discussion will help all of us providers personally and as a result will help those gay men we serve in our community.

Now, it's time to explore.... let's talk about sex baby.... let's talk about you and me (oh... and possibly a third, the more the marrier :-)).

Anson

2010-05-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

For the past few months Jason and I (Andy + Jason = Anson), were figuring out where our relationship was going. The question was asked by one of us, "How do you know when the end of a relationship is here?" I guess you know when the end is there, when this question is asked.

About a week ago we thought... "let's open up the relationship." It's interesting that we both went in this direction with our relationship because neither one of us had ever considered being in an open relationship. I do think that people can have healthy, open relationships. However, probably only after the primary relationship is strong and healthy.

In a short amount of time we both realized we were seeking to explore this open relationship for the wrong reasons. My reason? I realized, when I was finally not allowing myself to be distracted from unimportant things and started listening within, my reason was because I wasn't feeling like J + I were making love. We had plenty of... hmmmm, lets say intense... sex. In one of our many great conversations I did tell him that we weren't having enough sex, that was what I thought was an issue for Anson. However, it wasn't that we weren't having enough sex... it was that we weren't having the sex I felt fulfilled with (quality over quantity). A few weeks ago I asked Jason, "How many times do you feel we've made love?" He replied, "zero." I appreciated his honesty, but it still hurt. I felt like there was one time that we were kind of half way there :-). However, he was right... we weren't making love. That's not what I want in a loving partnership.

This doesn't mean that he didn't show me love in other ways. I love and appreciate how he would hold hands in public, no matter where we were. I love his kiss. I love the cuddling that we did share. I loved most of all the partnership, living together in a small studio, that overall worked very well. I realize through our great conversations, and Jason realized this as well, that he just was having a hard time showing intimacy. It's something I don't feel I should write about here too much, because that's for him to share with others, but it feels good to hear him talk about how hard it is for him to be more intimate because it explains a lot.

I feel sometimes like I have so much love in me, so much love to share, that I'm just going to explode. I know that probably sounds weird... it feels weird writing it. But it's how I feel right now. Perhaps I will find healthy ways to direct that love back toward myself. And even healthier ways to express that love through the attention and connection I have with those friends and family members around me.

With regards to dating, which I will most definitely do in the future, I do want to take some time later to look at all my past relationships and see what I desire for the future. I may do that in a week or two, there's no hurry. But I don't want to wait months... I want to reflect during a time that I'm not interested in being in another relationship - so I can really see/feel what is best for me.

I went to this training session yesterday for work. It's a monthly Salon with HIV providers and we discuss a variety of topics. Yesterday's topic: sex. Perfect! Let's talk about sex baby... let's talk about you and me.. let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.... let's talk about sex... let's talk about sex! Of course, this song was blazing in my head before, during and shortly after the meeting - and is back now after writing those few lyrics. :-) I think sex is an important part of each person's life. Well, I guess I can only talk about me. So... it's an important part of my life. I'm happy the Salon decided to talk about sex. I hope the topic is discussed more.

I'll write more next about our discussion and what I got out of it in a blog titled Healthy Sex, Healthy Relationships (coming soon). However, there were some important things that came up in this talk which relate to the relationship and sexual connection in Anson.

One concept discussed, which I greatly appreciated, was this idea of lovers asking themselves "what do I need from my lover to feel loved?" I asked myself. What do I need? Sex isn't everything... but if an intimate session of love making isn't present, it's difficult. I see one thing that I desire from a partner, beyond the simple words of "I Love You," is a man to touch my naked quivering body and explore it up and down before he enters me or I enter him. I want to roll around in bed, kissing, pulling back briefly and staring intensing into each others eyes before going forward for more. I want passion. I want intensity. I want caressing. I want touching. To paint a picture - this is love making to me.

Another thing that I really appreciated about the sex talk was this concept of "eye gazing." Although I don't recall ever hearing someone talk about eye gazing before, I've done it quite often. I love, love, love staring into my man's (or someone I care about) eye's and get a sense of who he/she is. This was actually one thing that Jason had a hard time with. He didn't appreciate it much when I would stare at him.

Eye gazing, as it seems to me, is when two individuals in silence stare into each others eyes. For me, when I'm staring into another person's eyes, I feel the depth of his/her soul. Like G.W. said when he met President Putin "I looked into his eyes and saw his soul." Hmmm... maybe they weren't really eye gazing. :-) However, silent eye gazing I think can be intense and powerful, and as was discussed, a great way to build intimacy.

I definitely want that intimacy with a partner. I want the passionate sex, intense stare in each other's eyes, hand holding, cuddling, touching, comfort with being naked together, exploration of each other's bodies... all of it. I've had a range of different kinds of guys (and one girl) that I've dated. They all ranged in body types. All had nice bodies. One guy had this beautiful body but his belly wasn't a six pack... he would complain about it quite a bit. I was in the Army at the time and was young, so of course I had a six pack... or eight :-) But it wasn't something I even thought about with him. So... dating someone who takes care of their body is important, 8% body fat is not important, someone who likes to get out be physical (I wanna be physical, physical) is important, someone who is overly self-conscious of his body is hard to live with.

I've talked to a few of my friends about the breakup of Anson. One girl friend seemed more hurt than me (joking). But she was really sad about Jason and I breaking up because she liked Jason. However, she said that in the 8 years she's known me it seems like I've been improving in the relationship arena. She said each guy I date is better and better, or something like that. I don't know if it's so much that each guy is better, but I definitely think that I'm in a better place as I move forward. Which to me tells me that I am learning from my experiences.

I also emailed another friend of mine the other day. It was a simple email, I said "another unsuccessful relationship. I'm tired," as I knew Anson was coming to a close. I was laying in bed by Jason in fact when I sent this. The second I hit send something in me thought... "it wasn't unsuccessful at all. And I'm probably tired because it's late :-) (joking on that last part)".

But it's true. It wasn't unsuccessful. What is it with our society that we are wired to believe a short relationship means failure? Well... let me just speak for myself again. I'm wired from my upbringing to believe this. That stops now. (well, maybe not immediately... but the change to a healthy view on relationships starts now).

As far as being tired, I am. Today Jason and I broke up, yesterday I drove 5 hours from Spokane and now I'm writing out my feelings for the world (okay, maybe just my friends and family who know about my blog) to read about... so I feel depleted a bit, understandably. Whether it's a success or failure... it's hard to break up. It's hard when coming to an end of a relationship.

When I was on my long drive yesterday I had plenty of time to think. For a little while I was just blasting my music (mostly oldies) and singing along without a care in the world. Then I moved into my traditional road trip activity - reciting Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Love it! Then I turned off the music and sat in silence as the rain still dribbled on my windshield.

As I was soaking up the silence something in me said I need to let Jason go, that it was okay to let him go. I didn't really understand but then I just said it out loud, "it's okay to let Jason go" and before I finished this short statement I was in tears. I just let myself cry. I think there is still something so deep inside of me that says I need to make it work. Each relationship I need to hang on and make it work. But perhaps this relationship was meant to be for 9 months. Perhaps it was meant to be for 7 months and I've been hanging on longer than I knew I should. I think that is why I cried. I gave myself permission to not feel guilty for saying goodbye to our relationship. For me, I need to let him go.

Jason has said to me several times that he would have liked to see me cry more. He wanted to see me be emotional with him. I'm not sure why I wasn't. I've been emotional with guys before. However, I do want to open up more emotionally. These words were just what I needed to open up. After my bout of crying I thought... "let's try this again." And I repeated myself, "I need to let Jason GO!" Well, it didn't work that time. It was a one time deal. It felt really good to cry though. I felt relieved.

I do want to say thank you to Jason as well. When we first started dating I remember telling him "I deserve you." I really was fortunate to have been able to call him my man for a brief period of my life. I did deserve him and he deserved me. We were good for each other during this time in our lives and definitely learned a lot about love and life together. He showed me some things that a man can, and for me should, give to his partner (a caring touch even in public, a silly sense of humor to make the other laugh, a need for patience and when the moment demands it a kind and sensitive listening ear).

Silliness:

Now what do I do? Where do I go from here? I don't have plans. I put this cool app Grindr on my phone a couple days ago (had it once before but only for a short time). Right now I'm just here to explore life - sexually and otherwise. I want to express my love more too - toward myself and those already close to me. I want to put my all into both my work, I'm really enjoying my job more again, AND Grad School which I start in the summer. All of this while I keep finding clarity to this question of "Who is Andrew?" I feel like I understand who I am more now than 5 years ago however, I want to continue exploring, asking, poking (hell yeah - and being poked :-)), challenging, loving, appreciating, meditating, respecting, giving thanks, and taking on this adventure of life to fully live it.

Although I won't have a warm sexy body next to me to touch (Jason and I would kiss before going to bed every night and hold each other's hands - it was so cute) I will hold myself and give some love to me. This picture is perfect to end with. I did some nude modeling for a local photography class and this was one of the shots. It says exactly what I will do at this time in my life: care for me in my own warm and loving arms.

Goodbye BlueBerr