Prior to arrival at the center, called "The Palisades" located in Federal Way, I wasn't sure what to expect. I just knew that I would be feed, have a private room and would remain silent much of the time. I was kind of hoping it was going to be a full silent retreat where we did not speak at all but there were moments we actually did talk.
For example, we could speak during our daily, individual, hour of spiritual direction. I was paired up with Father Erik whom I felt comfortable with sharing intimate details with and listened wholeheartedly to his advice. The greatest piece of advice he gave me wasn't to turn to Jesus Christ as my personal savior or to pray each day or ask for forgiveness for my sins, all things I was a bit concerned about when meeting individually with him. However, the best piece of advice was about meditation and being present with what is, what is right now.
He also said that it's very easy to feel calm, centered, grounded and at peace during the retreat, while away from the "big" city, but then easy to fall back into the busyness of life once back.
Through our conversation I realized one thing I wanted to take back was to have just a few minutes each day when I will reconnect with the spirit within. I do this through breathing and did plenty of it while on the retreat. I will continue doing it while here in Seattle, back in the "real" world.
However, let me back up. I wanted to write a fairly brief blog entry from the journaling I did while on the retreat. I just wanted to go page by page and those things I feel comfortable with putting online I would post the entire journal writing as raw as I can. I couldn't believe I wrote 20 pages (front and back) while on the retreat. Although it's a smaller journal, it's still a lot. I won't write that much here though because much of it is some deeply personal stuff. There are just a few good points I made in my journal and some loving realizations I had about my current relationship. I'd like to share some of that here. For those parts that are not in the journal entries and I add in, I will put them in parenthesis:
01.14.11 - Arrival
I just arrived to the silent retreat here at the Palisades. It's a beautiful campus, over looking the Puget Sound and I have a room all to myself with a view of the sound - pretty cool! We're not silent yet, I guess that starts after the introductions tonight. I'm the first one here because most of the students are coming in a van pool.
I'm just about to start reading a book I'm lending from Sister Cathy, one of the spiritual directors here, it's called "True Love," by Thich Nhat Hahn. How appropriate since I am in a new, loving relationship and looking to grow the love deeper and become more connected in that relationship. Besides, I love Thich Nhat Hahn - he just has a beautiful way of writing and his books are always such an easy read.
I was just laying on my bed and read the first section of this book. Nhat Hahn says there are four elements of true love. The first is Maitri - loving-kindness. He says that Maitri is about bringing joy to a loved one. He goes on to explain that to bring joy and happiness to the one I love I must truly understand that person. He clearly states that one must understand his partners "deepest troubles, his deepest aspirations, if he does not understand his suffering, he will not be able to love him in the right way."
Now I realize that Jordan and I's relationship is very new. I do feel like I am falling in love with him but I feel like there is a long road ahead of me, this is just from my end obviously, toward falling in love. Perhaps even it's an ongoing journey... maybe there isn't a goal I'll reach, we'll just continue falling deeper and deeper in love. I do appreciate what Nhat Hahn says here too and think that falling deeper in love with J means knowing his deepest troubles, deepest aspirations and his suffering. With patience, time and a vulnerable willingness to learn, I will.
Just finished the first group meeting. Here we just introduced ourselves then sat in meditation for a bit. After the meditation ended we slowly dispersed. I like how the meeting ended. We all just walk away when we felt ready to go. However, we walk away in silence. Oh this is going to be fun... perhaps hard a bit... but fun nonetheless. We will be able to speak with our spiritual director, Luke and I are sharing Erik - all boys club! My direction will be an hour each day starting at 11am.
I turned back to my book, "True Love," before the evening talk at 8pm. Thich Nhat Hanh is talking a lot about mindfulness, classic for him, and breathing. He reminds me to simply connect my body and mind by focusing on my breath while saying "breathing in - I know that I am breathing in. Breathing ouH - I know that I am breathing out." It's amazing how this simple task of breathing and saying this silently to myself (yes I'm still silent) can really put me at ease and bring back this sense of peace within. In many ways, with mindfulness, we see life for the first time - in ways which aren't noticed because of the busyness of life. But no time for mindfulness now as my first talk of the night is about to start. Ha! ;-)
Friday 8pm - First Talk
The spiritual directors, all whom are Catholic, spoke about the goal of our life is to be with God and flow into God and let God flow through us. I definitely feel like a goal in my life is to unblock and de-clutter myself so the spirit can flow through me and, when needed, I can easily go to the place of feeling grounded and at peace because the spirit flows easily through my being. What I really liked about the talk is six brief words:
God is simple
God is Love
Whether I call the higher power God, Spirit, The Universe, Energy, or give it any other label... I do believe this power is simple and this power is pure love. The question I asked myself during this talk was "where do I most rest deeply with God?" I realized that it's when I meditate, focus on my breath and when I am in nature. Those are the times I feel most connected to a higher power.
There was another statement I really liked that was spoke during this talk, one of the director's said, "Behold God, beholding you and smiling." Then I wrote in my journal, "leg go in his embrace."
There is that saying, "Let Go, Let God," I've heard at the AA meeting I went to before and other places in the Christian tradition. I have felt more able to let go and let the higher power support me. Just letting go to the natural flow of life feels so powerful. It's scary, it's allowing myself to be vulnerable, but it's so rewarding when I do.
There was another statement I really liked that was spoke during this talk, one of the director's said, "Behold God, beholding you and smiling." Then I wrote in my journal, "leg go in his embrace."
There is that saying, "Let Go, Let God," I've heard at the AA meeting I went to before and other places in the Christian tradition. I have felt more able to let go and let the higher power support me. Just letting go to the natural flow of life feels so powerful. It's scary, it's allowing myself to be vulnerable, but it's so rewarding when I do.
The talk is done, I've made my way back to my room, stripped down to my boxer briefs (sorry boys, no photos this time), jumped into bed with my journal and bible so I can read the three scripture passages suggested for tonight.
As I look up, past the head board, I see Jesus Christ himself hanging on a cross. Well, not himself thankfully, but a wooden replica of what believers imagined the situation to be. In all seriousness though I was halfway through my first scripture when I heard something I hadn't heard in a while, just because of the busyness I have allowed myself to fall victim too, it was my breath. Wow... my breath.
Day Two - Saturday
Breakfast, at 8am, is in 8 minutes but I wanted to write a little first. I wanted to write about a dream I just had. I dreamt that I walked into a room where Jordan was sleeping with his roommate. They didn't have sex or anything, just slept together. There wasn't even drama from anyone, it was just so peaceful, the entire encounter. I walked in, saw them, they both rolled over and just looked at me, I think we all even smiled though we all knew that it wasn't right. Also, although I wasn't mad I was just a little confused why they were sleeping together. Interesting. What does it all mean??? :-)
Well, first of all, I'll tell you what this means:
These are slippers my sister made for me for Christmas. I love them and wore them the entire weekend. Yup... means I'm pretty gay :-)
While eating breakfast this morning it was so different than eating dinner together with everyone last night. Last night we all talked so much that there was a lot of noise in the room. Luckily I was sitting next to two people last night whom I actually enjoyed hearing about their stories and listening to them talk. They weren't conceited individuals and they also seemed okay with silence even before it was "required." Which was cool. I have come to think that I don't like mingling but I think I just don't like it when I meet someone who focuses so much on telling me about his/her job, other superficial aspects of their life and why he/she is an important person. Really? I just want to grab these kind of people with one hand, slap 'em with the other and say, "really??? Are you really that important?" Well... perhaps I wouldn't slap them, never slapped someone before, but when I do hear people like this it does make me think about the rest of the 6 billion people on this planet.
Not these two though, a younger girl on my left. She spoke about international travels and helping communities in the areas where she's been or will go (and not in a "I've helped those poor people," kind of way - thank God - literally). The older man to my right, Erik (who was to become my spiritual director for the next three days), mostly listened politely to our stories but shared a bit about his life as a "Father" at SU and what value he gets from that service.
Just three strangers, enjoying our meals, not having to fill the air with words and just listening as the air is already filled with so many words from surrounding tables. I often question how much talking is really necessary. I questioned this today, this morning, as we sat in silence. All we could hear was the clinging of utensils against plates and classical music in the background. Was the music playing last night? I don't know. None of us would have even noticed because of all the noise our conversations produced.
Just three strangers, enjoying our meals, not having to fill the air with words and just listening as the air is already filled with so many words from surrounding tables. I often question how much talking is really necessary. I questioned this today, this morning, as we sat in silence. All we could hear was the clinging of utensils against plates and classical music in the background. Was the music playing last night? I don't know. None of us would have even noticed because of all the noise our conversations produced.
8:45 - Morning Prayer and First Talk of the Day
The talk this morning was about the "container" we are held in. We also talked about using all five senses with our daily interactions. This is something I have learned about through my ex Ken and Buddhism readings. I love the idea of taping into all five senses.
With regards to the container the examples weren't only about our physical container, our bodies, but more so on the energetic containers we keep ourselves in. To be clear, kind of the mirror we hold up for ourselves. The container of how we hold and see ourselves.
The one spiritual director spoke about her only child, a young boy, receiving word right in front of her from his doctor about how he was "concerned about the extra weight" the boy was putting on. It was clear to the mother, by the way this doctor told her son, that her child was deeply wounded. After each previous doctor's appointment the son and mother always shared lunch together and this time when the mom asked her son, "where would you like to go for lunch?" with his posture sunk and eyes lowered he replied, "I'm not hungry." The spiritual director spoke of the container of love that a mother should have for her children but no matter how much the mother tries to protect her child she won't be able to. The world will wound him.
The one spiritual director spoke about her only child, a young boy, receiving word right in front of her from his doctor about how he was "concerned about the extra weight" the boy was putting on. It was clear to the mother, by the way this doctor told her son, that her child was deeply wounded. After each previous doctor's appointment the son and mother always shared lunch together and this time when the mom asked her son, "where would you like to go for lunch?" with his posture sunk and eyes lowered he replied, "I'm not hungry." The spiritual director spoke of the container of love that a mother should have for her children but no matter how much the mother tries to protect her child she won't be able to. The world will wound him.
As we grow older the world tells us lies about who we are, while God holds up a mirror of who we truly are. No matter who knocks us down, who throws sticks and stones, as long as we have an ability to tap into the spiritual power we can always come back to knowing the beauty (not just surface level) of who we are. I've felt this many times when I'm in touch within. I find getting in touch within is helped, for me, through yoga, meditation and simply breathing.
Then the spiritual director said something beautiful that just stuck in my head, she said "we were all made to have unself-conscious joy."
11am - First Spiritual Direction Session
The invitation today, and throughout the rest of the retreat, is to take one line from the suggested scriptures and repeat that line in my meditation. Pray/Meditate after lunch and after the last talk on this one line. Also, to pray over my life - where I've been and where I'm going.
Just finished lunch and now it's time to be without my journal and book for an hour. To pray/meditate and focus on the one line I picked. From Psalm 51:8:
Make me to hear joy and gladness
I love the simple word joy, that's probably why I picked this.
Okay... I was planning on an hour of meditation. I think I got about 5 minutes then probably some loud snoring rocked the resort (sorry for those on either side of my room as the walls were pretty thin). I took a nap. Just about an hour... oh, but how I appreciated that hour of rest!
More reading of my book "True Love." He writes about misperceptions and how they can hurt a partnership. In order to not allow misperceptions, which happen all of the time, to hurt a relationship I must beat back my pride and walk forward to my partner, if I feel hurt, and talk about my suffering. I love this advice. It's not going to be easy to implement and I probably won't get it on the first time. However, it will be my intention to get it and eventually I will. Once I do get it it will help to alleviate any drama and arrive at the truth.
He advices to listen with calm and understanding and then learn to speak with love. Wow... such simple words but not simple acts. I think we, or I guess I will just speak for myself, I, have learned so much about speaking out of fear, anger and in a dire need to be heard because so many people were speaking or shouting growing up that I need to unlearn that and relearn speaking and listening with love.
The practice of mindfulness, of meditation, consists of coming back to ourselves in order to restore peace and harmony.
3pm - Afternoon Talk
The spiritual director this afternoon spoke about fate and destiny. She defined fate as what we are born into. Like I was born in Portland, OR, I am Caucasian, I am male, I am gay, I was born into a middle class family, etc. While destiny she defines as both stuff inside of me drawing me forward and stuff outside of me pulling me.
She went on to explain that there are four "presuppositions" and that we should all recognize and cultivate them. Here they are:
1. Self-Knowledge:
- who am I?
- be aware of who I am
- do I have additions? Mental Illness? etc
2. Knowledge of the World:
- it's important to understand how the culture I am in works.
- then it is important to understand other cultures
3. Sensitivity to God's spirit:
- how does the spirit move through and within me?
- meditation
- yoga
- lifting weights - not when I overdo it and push myself but when I have patience and mindfulness in this exercise
- running
- mindfulness
- hiking
4. Freedom of Heart:
- we let go and ask for what we need
- health and wellness
- I have some sense of trust and I walk forward with that trust
Think of the ways I already cultivating to discernment. What things am I doing when this happens? (Using all of my senses to make decisions). Where are there places I want to make changes in my life? (put myself in the way of the spirit - when I feel that calm peace within). Make a list of things that put me in the way of the spirit. (see list above under #3).
Ignatius asks us to review moments throughout our day of:
- joy
- gratitude
- expansion
- generosity
but also:
- where we feel tangled
- blockage
She asks us to do both of these moments of review without judgments and in gentleness. Then asks ourselves, "How do I move into tomorrow?"
Back to my reading of "True Love." It's a short book and I'm really flying through it. His books are such easy reads, probably not only because of how well he writes but because he keeps it all so simple. Because really, it is all so simple. He says to bring the energy of mindfulness to my pain, fear, anger and jealous when each shows it's ugly face. Okay... did I just write it was so simple... well, I should have been more clear. The words are simple, putting those words in to practice, well, takes just that, practice. Lots of it I imagine. However, if I look back where I was 10 years from now and where I am today the practice I have done has paid off.
I love how he writes about this. He says with mindfulness tenderly mother my anger, breathe into it and I will feel what is right to do. When I feel pain in my body, breathe into that pain and be mindful. Be loving with that pain and I will know what to do. It's so powerful.
My biggest goal for this retreat, to bring back to my daily life in Seattle, is to move with more awareness, more mindfulness in my daily actions and interactions. Eat when I feel ready to be nourished, and I know when because I am mindful of my body. Sleep when I am ready to rest, I will know when I am ready because I will be mindful of the needs of my physical body. Take a break out of the day when I need that break, I will know when I need this when I am mindful of those needs.
And to remember it doesn't start when I finish this or that, when I complete school work or even finish this entry. It starts now, all else can wait. If my mind, body or spirit is calling out "nourish me, care for me, let me rest," just when the essence of me calls out to be fed I should stop and take care of me. The busyness will continue to be there, and I will be mindful through it, and then it will be there when I am back.
And to remember it doesn't start when I finish this or that, when I complete school work or even finish this entry. It starts now, all else can wait. If my mind, body or spirit is calling out "nourish me, care for me, let me rest," just when the essence of me calls out to be fed I should stop and take care of me. The busyness will continue to be there, and I will be mindful through it, and then it will be there when I am back.
5pm - Mass
This was the first time I have ever attended Mass. I took communion which was interesting. I think I took a bigger sip of the wine than others. Hey! They should be lucky I just didn't run off with the goblet holding the wine.
I am appreciative of everyone who was there (mostly Catholic individuals) allowing me to share in their tradition with them.
I am appreciative of everyone who was there (mostly Catholic individuals) allowing me to share in their tradition with them.
One thing I did write down in my journal, during Mass, was "God, help me to have a real relationship as I am." Not sure why I wrote that down but it sure is a prayer that I would like answered.
Okay, at this point I'm missing Jordan more... I've been wearing his red swatch watch:
And okay, I will admit I kissed the darn watch. Right there on its face. I must have even gave it a little tongue, I don't know what happened, just got a little steamy in the room... true love.
Yes, thinking about Jordan. I'm happy I was wearing his watch because I could look at it anytime I wanted to remember him. Although, I didn't really need a watch as I can just close my eyes and see him. I can close my eyes and think about his wonderful touch, his presence, his love. He's actually the first one who said "I love you."
On New Years Eve we went to a party that his friend was throwing and then around 11pm we came back to my place. From my bay window we could easily see the Space Needle and I was excited to have the evening to just the two of us. After some wonderful love making, just seconds before the fireworks shot off the side of the Space Needle, we huddled up together on the cushions in the bay window (him holding me) and watched as the firework show took off.
On New Years Eve we went to a party that his friend was throwing and then around 11pm we came back to my place. From my bay window we could easily see the Space Needle and I was excited to have the evening to just the two of us. After some wonderful love making, just seconds before the fireworks shot off the side of the Space Needle, we huddled up together on the cushions in the bay window (him holding me) and watched as the firework show took off.
While still laying there together, kissing and just holding one another, now several minutes into the New Year, he held my head on his chest and said, "You know I love you, right?" At first I pulled back because it was hard for me to hear those words, especially probably because this was the first time of me being in a relationship that the other person said them first. I told him that there was part of me that felt obligated to return the words, to say "I love you too." He said that it wasn't necessary, I should say it when I'm ready. The thing is, is that I was actually ready before he said it. I was all ready to say "I Love You," and I was holding myself back. I think partly because I don't want to move too fast into loving someone and it not working out, again. I think I waited a couple days until the moment was right and it just feel out, without much thought, which is exactly how it should.
Back to my reading of "True Love." I like how Nhat Hanh talks about walking through life as if we are free. He is referring to not allowing things, and unresolved life issues, hold us back from feeling the freedom of life. So, not when I pay off my debt, not when I finish school, not when/if I switch careers, not when I have this amazing future so different from today, but today, in the midst of all those things that are constantly changing.
It's really a freedom in the mind because most of us are free, we have a lot of freedom to do just about anything we desire to... it's a matter of us feeling bound up in our minds. How do we get over that? I think a good start is what Nhat Hanh talks about in the book and that is to give ourselves, give myself, time throughout the day to walk through life and operate in this manner right now. Just by allowing myself extra time in the day I can go through my life with more awareness and feeling of freedom.
It's really a freedom in the mind because most of us are free, we have a lot of freedom to do just about anything we desire to... it's a matter of us feeling bound up in our minds. How do we get over that? I think a good start is what Nhat Hanh talks about in the book and that is to give ourselves, give myself, time throughout the day to walk through life and operate in this manner right now. Just by allowing myself extra time in the day I can go through my life with more awareness and feeling of freedom.
I love another thing that he talks about in his simple writing. He said at "Plum Village," where he lives in France with other monks, they all have an interesting way of answering the phone. He said they treat the phone ring as a bell and each time they hear a bell it is a reminder to be mindful. He said that typically when the phone rings it sends a vibration of excitement, worry, anxiety or some feeling of hurry up and get the phone, then we do just that, we run to the phone. Rather than jumping to get the phone the monks living at Plum Village take a moment to return to mindfulness.
I want to do this. I don't necessarily jump to get the phone but still there is a bit of me that says inside grab the phone, hurry, get it... I think this is a good time to hear the ring, take a breath, and then mindfully take the call.
He suggests to walk to the phone while saying, "breathing in - I am calming myself; breathing out - I am smiling." Love it! (I changed my ring tone and text message tone and, when I remember, am already being mindful when I receive a call or message from someone - it feels really great actually!
I want to do this. I don't necessarily jump to get the phone but still there is a bit of me that says inside grab the phone, hurry, get it... I think this is a good time to hear the ring, take a breath, and then mindfully take the call.
He suggests to walk to the phone while saying, "breathing in - I am calming myself; breathing out - I am smiling." Love it! (I changed my ring tone and text message tone and, when I remember, am already being mindful when I receive a call or message from someone - it feels really great actually!
7:30pm - Talk
We sang a hymn called "Deep Within." Some religious songs are almost so painful just to get through. I really feel like they are a bore. This one was really beautiful though. The melody was nice and the words felt good to me. It's basically about being one with the spirit, deep within your heart, your being, the essence of who you are.
One of the spiritual directors said something that resonated with me: "My inner life is too rich to be destroyed by anything outside it." How great would it be to feel so calm within, so at peace and connected to the spirit, that nothing outside could shake me?
Tonight was also about letting the past be the past by forgiveness and starting fresh. Our spiritual director asked us all to think about several questions:
- Are there particular places I seek forgiveness and healing?
- Are their relationships I feel difficulty in giving and/or receiving love? (this one hit me hard with regards to the relationship between my brother and I).
- Is there a situation or relationship I feel called to forgive? Can I lose the bonds of another's trespass where it may be holding me back?
- Are there troubled spots in my road where I don't respond with the best fullness of myself?
- Is there anything I need to untangle, release, leave behind tonight?
After answering these questions, being in a new frame of mind, is there a grace that I would like to ask for?
(If we felt called to we were to answer one or more of these questions, either in our journals or with a spiritual director, which 6 of them were ready for us that evening. I did feel called to answer two questions, I wrote about them in my journal, and then shared one very personal one with a spiritual director. I won't share either one of those here because one has to do with my current relationship and the other with a deeply personal topic that I haven't shared with many people).
This retreat, now a bit over 24 hours into it, has been great so far. Very relaxing. I took a nice nap this afternoon. Naps are great! ;-)
Day 3 - Sunday
In spiritual direction this morning we talked about joy. My director asked me a great question: where is joy being blocked in my life? It's such a great question to ponder. It says that we each have a, perhaps, God given right to feel and experience joy so let's step back for a moment and look at where in my life I'm not currently experiencing it.
So, my director says to see where joy is being blocked in my life right now, then do something about it! I love simplicity and I love given a mission. I don't have the answer right now, but just asking the question feels good.
Another thing I'm learning is how much I love and miss meditation and taping into the spirit within. When I get home I want to carve out 15 minutes each day to meditate and perhaps write a bit in my journal.
I did ask my spiritual director about prayer. I just asked him kind of "how do you pray?" I mean, I know people cross their hands, get on their knees and open their mouth... uhhhh... sorry, that's for Catholics, the Christians do it behind closed doors :-).
Okay... let me stop. I seriously asked him how he prays and we talked about how meditation and prayer can be one in the same. I did like how he said to "pray like a child, just play with it. It's a means and not an end."
So true... just like meditation. I have talked to friends who have asked me about meditation and how I do it and I tell them that you don't have to meditate while sitting uncomfortably and with perfect posture. I tell them that for me meditation is about focusing on my breath and letting everything else go. You can sit or lay down or walk (slowly). There are a lot of ways one can meditate, just like prayer.
1:30pm
Took a nice, refreshing, and COLD dip in the Puget Sound with six crazy girls. Oh no... not just once, but twice. I didn't remain silent as I gasped for warm air as soon as the freezing cold water hit my mid section. Then when I was coming out of the water there was one girl who stayed on the land and it looked like she was playing with a pot pipe. I thought, "this is cool... the Catholic girls are smoking dope." But I was wrong, it was a sea shell.... don't know why I thought she was smoking pot.
5pm - Mass
Mass again. I was kind of thinking about not coming to this one but I'm happy I did. Today we went through this ritual of washing each other's feet. Yes, can you believe it, we washed each other's feet. It was really cool. Traditionally, once a week I think, they do this at Mass. We broke up in four different groups and in turns we washed each other's feet. When it was my turn to wash the woman's feet who was in the chair I really took my time and gave her a short, but hopefully enjoyable, foot massage as I washed them. I should give Jordan a good foot massage when I get home ;-)
The reason this foot washing tradition started, so the story goes, is because Jesus wanted to wash Peter's feet. Peter declined at first and Jesus insisted so Peter let him. It was hard for Peter to let someone like Jesus wash his feet. Then Jesus said, "if I can wash your feet you all can wash each other's feet." Interesting. I like it.
At the end we gathered in a circle, hugged each other and took communion again. Pretty cool stuff.
DINNER! Speaking about Mass, at 6:24pm my prayers were answered. While we were all silently finishing dinner the dessert boy arrived. He typically came out right around this time, when we were all finishing our meals, and each night the meals and dessert have been great. Tonight topped the other nights though. I wasn't close to finishing my dinner, while others were almost done (guess I was eating slow), and here comes the dessert. Ice cream! Thank you Jesus! Praise be to Allah... ahhhh... I mean, the Lord. Hope Big Brother doesn't read this.
Okay, a man will go crazy without his ice cream. When I saw that we were having ice cream I was excited, like everyone else appeared excited. However, I let out a gasp that echoed across our tables. The girls looked at me and smiled and one giggled. Sure... I broke the silence... but man, it's ice cream. I was so happy and for some reason just really taken off guard.
Maybe I shouldn't have been too excited though, it was some generic ice cream. Hey, I'll take it!
When you grow up eating ice cream like we did in my family, well, it becomes a part of a full balanced meal. Now life is complete.
Speaking of family and ice cream, since this was similar to the "Sparkle" ice cream dad used to love when I was little, it reminded me of that time. Mom and dad had an interesting debate about ice cream. Mom loved (and still loves) Breyer's Natural Vanilla. While dad would have the basic "Sparkle" vanilla. Sparkle was cheaper than the Breyer's and you got about three times more because it came in a large tub! Mom still loved her Breyer's and convinced us kids that Sparkle ice cream was made in the tire factory. I'll never forget that.
Well, tire factory ice cream or not... tonight I just had more Hershey syrup on mine and it went down really nice. Well... went down so nice that I asked for seconds. I was putting my dishes away and the ice cream boy (that's what he was known as by me now) came out and I pulled him aside and whispered, "hey, you got more ice cream?" Okay... so I broke my silence! But for ice cream, who could blame me? ;-)
He did have more... and I got another scoop. I was the only one who got a second scoop but no one else asked! Come on people, if you want something you've got to speak up.... ;-)
Besides, I mean, one scoop of ice cream? That's just cruel? Who stops at one scoop? And for some reason that second scoop tasted so much better and I sat there, with a now nearly empty dinning room, eating most of it by myself.
One thing I did think about, as I was mindfully eating my second scoop of goodness, is that there really is little which needs to be said in this world, but a lot for us to hear. I mean, it's just amazing the things that I am hearing when we all are silent.
Actually, one noise I noticed, which most of my family would agree with (along with my neighbor below me in my condo building), is the sound of my footsteps as I walked down the hall or outside. I walk pretty hard and definitely with a purpose. So, as I'm being silent, I'm trying to consciously walk softer... we'll see how that goes!
7:30 Talk - The Crucifixion
We actually had a cross made out of two long, skinny pieces of drift wood, sitting in the middle of the room with candles surrounding it while our spiritual director spoke. Saw the lights dimmed, candles around, and cross in the middle of the room when I came in and I was thinking "ahhh shit, they tricked me in coming. They're gonna sacrifice them a homo tonight!" Whew... I was spared... no sacrifice ;-)
It was actually a beautiful talk about Jesus Christ, a prophet, a Rabbi, a human, dying on the cross. It wasn't what I expected, what I heard about the crucifixion growing up in a Fundamentalist environment, with that old worn out talk about how we're all sinners and Jesus Christ died for our sins. I mean get a new story already... that one's pretty worn out and it's not really that exciting ;-). No, this talk was about love. Love? How could we talk about love with regards to this man being murdered and hung on a cross? It was about how Jesus Christ still loved while he died on the cross, even those who were responsible.
The other day during our forgiveness talks one of the Sister's read a poem. It was found at the end of World War II in one of the concentration camps next to the child who wrote it and died there:
Whether or not I follow the teaching of Christianity, believe in God, look to Jesus Christ as my personal savior, it's been really beautiful being welcomed into this family, this community of Catholics and to watch them, and often participate in, their celebration of their faith.
I have to admit now though, starting today around 4pm I felt like the time was going by much slower. I've been thinking about Jordan even more, picturing him in front of me, grabbing him around his waste and with a passionate force lifting him up, slamming his smaller body against the wall with an uncontrollable, powerful expression of my love. Then witness his body gently slide down the structure, until his lips meet mine in an unforgettable kiss. A kiss we have indeed shared before, a beautiful kiss, with just the right mix of passion and care, intensity and patience, just enough lips and just the right amount of tongue. With his eyes always open and locked on mine he kisses me. I can close my eyes right here in my bed and imagine this beautiful kiss that we've shared several times because it's such an amazing connection of passion. Oh how I long for those beautiful blue eyes to be intimately fixed on mine.
I'm holding back from turning my phone on to call him, text or even look at the picture I have of him. Although, I don't need the picture of my phone, the one I have locked into my memory is much better. For when I close my eyes I don't just see a flat picture of this beautiful man, I smell his distinct scent, I can remember what it feels like to touch him - not just the physical aspect but what it does to my body when his naked body is in front of me and I am exploring it, my mouth waters as I recall the taste of his moist lips... I can go there anytime to recall how I feel when I'm with him.
Like I said, love really was what our talk was about tonight, and really it was what many of our talks were about. I have asked myself a question about love many times in the last several years: What is love for me? More so in the last month as I feel like I have been falling in love with Jordan. Although, how can I even say I have been falling in love if I don't have a clear definition of what love is? Perhaps it's just something one feels rather than knows... or one knows because one feels.
I would still like to take this time to explore where I am today with regards to love, as I believe for me, and perhaps others, the characterization of love changes as we change, it evolves as we evolve. To me love is growing, not just from relationship to relationship but growing in the relationship I am in today. Love is understanding, which takes time, patience and a desire for deep listening. Love is sacrifice. When one thing isn't a big deal to me but very important for Jordan, then we can go in his direction. Love is knowing where we currently are and are not in our relationship and being honest about that. This is one thing I have really appreciated with Jordan, he has proven more than I, strong desires to know where we currently are in our relationship by having us each fill out "relationship surveys." He wants to fill these out periodically. I love it! There were actual scores to tally in the end. Mine was 35 and his was 35.5. The only reason he had a .5 score though was because he cheated... so we would have had the same score of 35. How cute is that :-)
Love is also respect and strong communication. I think we both can work on these areas. Hey... it's a new relationship, we have to have something to work on, right?! Well, we have several things to work on... ;-) but back to love. Like I said, it's respect and communication. For my part I need to respect Jordan enough to tell him when I'm hurt and why. Feeling check ins with myself sometimes can be a struggle, but to do so with another, a loved one, to be so vulnerable takes patience and courage within me that I sometimes have a hard time finding. I have both the desire and ability though and it may take a little time but it's coming. I've already shown that I can with Jordan a few times, just last week was one. It just allows for great communication, fewer misperceptions and less drama, which is what I want. I see us going deeper in the communication area and we'll go deeper as we fall more in love.
Day 4
Good morning world. Woke up at 4:30am this morning. I got enough sleep because I went to bed around 9:45pm and took an hour nap yesterday.
I wanted to journal about a dream I had last night. I was on this Navy ship and it was in the water somewhere around Whidbey Island. My mom and family were on the ferry and the ship I was on was near the ferry. In fact, the ferry was fighting with the Navy boat to go where they needed to go. They almost hit each other but the ferry made it ahead.
Also, at some point, back on the navy ship, I saw this cute dog that I started to play with around the ship. Then this cute (every thing's cute in a dream) sailor, with beautiful eyes, came up to me and was telling me about the dog and playing with the dog with me. Then we were flirting with each other. Then we were on dry land all of a sudden and it was obvious he liked me so I told him I had a boyfriend. Then that was pretty much that.
Now I'm back to the ship and how it is fighting with the ferry. But by this time I was watching everything from up in the sky. It was wild how the ferry boat was so stubborn and wouldn't back down. But I was watching from the sky because I was in an old Navy plane with Luciano, who was serving in the US Navy. Then he landed the plane and there were federal agents, who were oddly enough wearing BDU's, and they were chasing the plane as we were landing it. Then we were on the back of a deuce and a half (big truck in the Army) and I was sitting on the end of the back and they were trying to get me as the truck was driving down the runway.
We came to a stop and the federal agents grabbed us. I demanded to know what it all was about. Then one of them pulled out a bag of drugs and said there was 26 grams of some drug in there. We both looked at the bag, then looked at him and told him he was nuts, that it wasn't 26 grams. He seemed corrected, like he knew he was wrong.
Then we were in this room and mom came in to nonchalantly ask what was going on. I told her, "these assholes are holding us and they're trying to say I may have drugs." Mom and I laughed about that. Then I was talking to a federal agent in civies, whom I questioned if he was DEA or who he worked for. He didn't really answer me. I told him to just strip search me so I could get the hell out of there and get the family back to Whidbey. For some reason this whole time they couldn't get back to the Island. He said he had to talk to his boss who happened to be in the next room, love the convenience of dreams. I went there with Luciano and we talked.
The boss seemed less interested in the drug situation and more interested in who I was. We even talked about the Nichols family, who this boss knew. Then it somehow came to me that this entire thing was a set up. It wasn't the DEA, it was the FBI. They wanted to see if I would be a good candidate for the FBI so they wanted to see if I'd crack under pressure. I didn't so they wanted me to go with them to Quantico and train to be an agent. I told them I'd give it a shot. What does it all mean? ;-) I like to analyze my dreams but damn... this one is pretty crazy.
I'm also reading a book this morning that I brought on the retreat. It's called "Be," by A.C. Ping. I read it a long time ago and decided to read it once again. In section two (there are three sections) Ping quotes Gandhi with regards to happiness, he says, "happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." I like that.
That's the end of my journal entries. I think the biggest thing I got out of the retreat this past weekend is that meditation and being more aware of everything in my life really brings a calm, peaceful sense within... I want that back.
Also, I realize there is just so much talking in the world that we (and I very much mean me included) forget to listen. When we speak less, we hear things we didn't realize were even there.
After getting home and starting to unpack this is what I found in my bag:
looks like I won't be going on another long trip without Fin and Joy in the future ;-) And perhaps Jordan can come along :-)
One of the spiritual directors said something that resonated with me: "My inner life is too rich to be destroyed by anything outside it." How great would it be to feel so calm within, so at peace and connected to the spirit, that nothing outside could shake me?
Tonight was also about letting the past be the past by forgiveness and starting fresh. Our spiritual director asked us all to think about several questions:
- Are there particular places I seek forgiveness and healing?
- Are their relationships I feel difficulty in giving and/or receiving love? (this one hit me hard with regards to the relationship between my brother and I).
- Is there a situation or relationship I feel called to forgive? Can I lose the bonds of another's trespass where it may be holding me back?
- Are there troubled spots in my road where I don't respond with the best fullness of myself?
- Is there anything I need to untangle, release, leave behind tonight?
After answering these questions, being in a new frame of mind, is there a grace that I would like to ask for?
(If we felt called to we were to answer one or more of these questions, either in our journals or with a spiritual director, which 6 of them were ready for us that evening. I did feel called to answer two questions, I wrote about them in my journal, and then shared one very personal one with a spiritual director. I won't share either one of those here because one has to do with my current relationship and the other with a deeply personal topic that I haven't shared with many people).
This retreat, now a bit over 24 hours into it, has been great so far. Very relaxing. I took a nice nap this afternoon. Naps are great! ;-)
Day 3 - Sunday
In spiritual direction this morning we talked about joy. My director asked me a great question: where is joy being blocked in my life? It's such a great question to ponder. It says that we each have a, perhaps, God given right to feel and experience joy so let's step back for a moment and look at where in my life I'm not currently experiencing it.
So, my director says to see where joy is being blocked in my life right now, then do something about it! I love simplicity and I love given a mission. I don't have the answer right now, but just asking the question feels good.
Another thing I'm learning is how much I love and miss meditation and taping into the spirit within. When I get home I want to carve out 15 minutes each day to meditate and perhaps write a bit in my journal.
I did ask my spiritual director about prayer. I just asked him kind of "how do you pray?" I mean, I know people cross their hands, get on their knees and open their mouth... uhhhh... sorry, that's for Catholics, the Christians do it behind closed doors :-).
Okay... let me stop. I seriously asked him how he prays and we talked about how meditation and prayer can be one in the same. I did like how he said to "pray like a child, just play with it. It's a means and not an end."
So true... just like meditation. I have talked to friends who have asked me about meditation and how I do it and I tell them that you don't have to meditate while sitting uncomfortably and with perfect posture. I tell them that for me meditation is about focusing on my breath and letting everything else go. You can sit or lay down or walk (slowly). There are a lot of ways one can meditate, just like prayer.
1:30pm
Took a nice, refreshing, and COLD dip in the Puget Sound with six crazy girls. Oh no... not just once, but twice. I didn't remain silent as I gasped for warm air as soon as the freezing cold water hit my mid section. Then when I was coming out of the water there was one girl who stayed on the land and it looked like she was playing with a pot pipe. I thought, "this is cool... the Catholic girls are smoking dope." But I was wrong, it was a sea shell.... don't know why I thought she was smoking pot.
5pm - Mass
Mass again. I was kind of thinking about not coming to this one but I'm happy I did. Today we went through this ritual of washing each other's feet. Yes, can you believe it, we washed each other's feet. It was really cool. Traditionally, once a week I think, they do this at Mass. We broke up in four different groups and in turns we washed each other's feet. When it was my turn to wash the woman's feet who was in the chair I really took my time and gave her a short, but hopefully enjoyable, foot massage as I washed them. I should give Jordan a good foot massage when I get home ;-)
The reason this foot washing tradition started, so the story goes, is because Jesus wanted to wash Peter's feet. Peter declined at first and Jesus insisted so Peter let him. It was hard for Peter to let someone like Jesus wash his feet. Then Jesus said, "if I can wash your feet you all can wash each other's feet." Interesting. I like it.
At the end we gathered in a circle, hugged each other and took communion again. Pretty cool stuff.
DINNER! Speaking about Mass, at 6:24pm my prayers were answered. While we were all silently finishing dinner the dessert boy arrived. He typically came out right around this time, when we were all finishing our meals, and each night the meals and dessert have been great. Tonight topped the other nights though. I wasn't close to finishing my dinner, while others were almost done (guess I was eating slow), and here comes the dessert. Ice cream! Thank you Jesus! Praise be to Allah... ahhhh... I mean, the Lord. Hope Big Brother doesn't read this.
Okay, a man will go crazy without his ice cream. When I saw that we were having ice cream I was excited, like everyone else appeared excited. However, I let out a gasp that echoed across our tables. The girls looked at me and smiled and one giggled. Sure... I broke the silence... but man, it's ice cream. I was so happy and for some reason just really taken off guard.
Maybe I shouldn't have been too excited though, it was some generic ice cream. Hey, I'll take it!
When you grow up eating ice cream like we did in my family, well, it becomes a part of a full balanced meal. Now life is complete.
Speaking of family and ice cream, since this was similar to the "Sparkle" ice cream dad used to love when I was little, it reminded me of that time. Mom and dad had an interesting debate about ice cream. Mom loved (and still loves) Breyer's Natural Vanilla. While dad would have the basic "Sparkle" vanilla. Sparkle was cheaper than the Breyer's and you got about three times more because it came in a large tub! Mom still loved her Breyer's and convinced us kids that Sparkle ice cream was made in the tire factory. I'll never forget that.
Well, tire factory ice cream or not... tonight I just had more Hershey syrup on mine and it went down really nice. Well... went down so nice that I asked for seconds. I was putting my dishes away and the ice cream boy (that's what he was known as by me now) came out and I pulled him aside and whispered, "hey, you got more ice cream?" Okay... so I broke my silence! But for ice cream, who could blame me? ;-)
He did have more... and I got another scoop. I was the only one who got a second scoop but no one else asked! Come on people, if you want something you've got to speak up.... ;-)
Besides, I mean, one scoop of ice cream? That's just cruel? Who stops at one scoop? And for some reason that second scoop tasted so much better and I sat there, with a now nearly empty dinning room, eating most of it by myself.
One thing I did think about, as I was mindfully eating my second scoop of goodness, is that there really is little which needs to be said in this world, but a lot for us to hear. I mean, it's just amazing the things that I am hearing when we all are silent.
Actually, one noise I noticed, which most of my family would agree with (along with my neighbor below me in my condo building), is the sound of my footsteps as I walked down the hall or outside. I walk pretty hard and definitely with a purpose. So, as I'm being silent, I'm trying to consciously walk softer... we'll see how that goes!
7:30 Talk - The Crucifixion
We actually had a cross made out of two long, skinny pieces of drift wood, sitting in the middle of the room with candles surrounding it while our spiritual director spoke. Saw the lights dimmed, candles around, and cross in the middle of the room when I came in and I was thinking "ahhh shit, they tricked me in coming. They're gonna sacrifice them a homo tonight!" Whew... I was spared... no sacrifice ;-)
It was actually a beautiful talk about Jesus Christ, a prophet, a Rabbi, a human, dying on the cross. It wasn't what I expected, what I heard about the crucifixion growing up in a Fundamentalist environment, with that old worn out talk about how we're all sinners and Jesus Christ died for our sins. I mean get a new story already... that one's pretty worn out and it's not really that exciting ;-). No, this talk was about love. Love? How could we talk about love with regards to this man being murdered and hung on a cross? It was about how Jesus Christ still loved while he died on the cross, even those who were responsible.
The other day during our forgiveness talks one of the Sister's read a poem. It was found at the end of World War II in one of the concentration camps next to the child who wrote it and died there:
O LordI'll say Amen to that... who wouldn't?
Remember not only the men and women of goodwill,
But all those of ill will.
But do not remember all the suffering
They have inflicted upon us;
Remember the fruits we have bought
Thanks to this suffering -
Our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility,
Our courage, our generosity, the greatness of heart.
Which has grown out of all of this;
And when they come to judgment,
Let all the fruits which we have borne
Be their forgiveness. Amen
Whether or not I follow the teaching of Christianity, believe in God, look to Jesus Christ as my personal savior, it's been really beautiful being welcomed into this family, this community of Catholics and to watch them, and often participate in, their celebration of their faith.
I have to admit now though, starting today around 4pm I felt like the time was going by much slower. I've been thinking about Jordan even more, picturing him in front of me, grabbing him around his waste and with a passionate force lifting him up, slamming his smaller body against the wall with an uncontrollable, powerful expression of my love. Then witness his body gently slide down the structure, until his lips meet mine in an unforgettable kiss. A kiss we have indeed shared before, a beautiful kiss, with just the right mix of passion and care, intensity and patience, just enough lips and just the right amount of tongue. With his eyes always open and locked on mine he kisses me. I can close my eyes right here in my bed and imagine this beautiful kiss that we've shared several times because it's such an amazing connection of passion. Oh how I long for those beautiful blue eyes to be intimately fixed on mine.
I'm holding back from turning my phone on to call him, text or even look at the picture I have of him. Although, I don't need the picture of my phone, the one I have locked into my memory is much better. For when I close my eyes I don't just see a flat picture of this beautiful man, I smell his distinct scent, I can remember what it feels like to touch him - not just the physical aspect but what it does to my body when his naked body is in front of me and I am exploring it, my mouth waters as I recall the taste of his moist lips... I can go there anytime to recall how I feel when I'm with him.
Like I said, love really was what our talk was about tonight, and really it was what many of our talks were about. I have asked myself a question about love many times in the last several years: What is love for me? More so in the last month as I feel like I have been falling in love with Jordan. Although, how can I even say I have been falling in love if I don't have a clear definition of what love is? Perhaps it's just something one feels rather than knows... or one knows because one feels.
I would still like to take this time to explore where I am today with regards to love, as I believe for me, and perhaps others, the characterization of love changes as we change, it evolves as we evolve. To me love is growing, not just from relationship to relationship but growing in the relationship I am in today. Love is understanding, which takes time, patience and a desire for deep listening. Love is sacrifice. When one thing isn't a big deal to me but very important for Jordan, then we can go in his direction. Love is knowing where we currently are and are not in our relationship and being honest about that. This is one thing I have really appreciated with Jordan, he has proven more than I, strong desires to know where we currently are in our relationship by having us each fill out "relationship surveys." He wants to fill these out periodically. I love it! There were actual scores to tally in the end. Mine was 35 and his was 35.5. The only reason he had a .5 score though was because he cheated... so we would have had the same score of 35. How cute is that :-)
Love is also respect and strong communication. I think we both can work on these areas. Hey... it's a new relationship, we have to have something to work on, right?! Well, we have several things to work on... ;-) but back to love. Like I said, it's respect and communication. For my part I need to respect Jordan enough to tell him when I'm hurt and why. Feeling check ins with myself sometimes can be a struggle, but to do so with another, a loved one, to be so vulnerable takes patience and courage within me that I sometimes have a hard time finding. I have both the desire and ability though and it may take a little time but it's coming. I've already shown that I can with Jordan a few times, just last week was one. It just allows for great communication, fewer misperceptions and less drama, which is what I want. I see us going deeper in the communication area and we'll go deeper as we fall more in love.
Day 4
Good morning world. Woke up at 4:30am this morning. I got enough sleep because I went to bed around 9:45pm and took an hour nap yesterday.
I wanted to journal about a dream I had last night. I was on this Navy ship and it was in the water somewhere around Whidbey Island. My mom and family were on the ferry and the ship I was on was near the ferry. In fact, the ferry was fighting with the Navy boat to go where they needed to go. They almost hit each other but the ferry made it ahead.
Also, at some point, back on the navy ship, I saw this cute dog that I started to play with around the ship. Then this cute (every thing's cute in a dream) sailor, with beautiful eyes, came up to me and was telling me about the dog and playing with the dog with me. Then we were flirting with each other. Then we were on dry land all of a sudden and it was obvious he liked me so I told him I had a boyfriend. Then that was pretty much that.
Now I'm back to the ship and how it is fighting with the ferry. But by this time I was watching everything from up in the sky. It was wild how the ferry boat was so stubborn and wouldn't back down. But I was watching from the sky because I was in an old Navy plane with Luciano, who was serving in the US Navy. Then he landed the plane and there were federal agents, who were oddly enough wearing BDU's, and they were chasing the plane as we were landing it. Then we were on the back of a deuce and a half (big truck in the Army) and I was sitting on the end of the back and they were trying to get me as the truck was driving down the runway.
We came to a stop and the federal agents grabbed us. I demanded to know what it all was about. Then one of them pulled out a bag of drugs and said there was 26 grams of some drug in there. We both looked at the bag, then looked at him and told him he was nuts, that it wasn't 26 grams. He seemed corrected, like he knew he was wrong.
Then we were in this room and mom came in to nonchalantly ask what was going on. I told her, "these assholes are holding us and they're trying to say I may have drugs." Mom and I laughed about that. Then I was talking to a federal agent in civies, whom I questioned if he was DEA or who he worked for. He didn't really answer me. I told him to just strip search me so I could get the hell out of there and get the family back to Whidbey. For some reason this whole time they couldn't get back to the Island. He said he had to talk to his boss who happened to be in the next room, love the convenience of dreams. I went there with Luciano and we talked.
The boss seemed less interested in the drug situation and more interested in who I was. We even talked about the Nichols family, who this boss knew. Then it somehow came to me that this entire thing was a set up. It wasn't the DEA, it was the FBI. They wanted to see if I would be a good candidate for the FBI so they wanted to see if I'd crack under pressure. I didn't so they wanted me to go with them to Quantico and train to be an agent. I told them I'd give it a shot. What does it all mean? ;-) I like to analyze my dreams but damn... this one is pretty crazy.
I'm also reading a book this morning that I brought on the retreat. It's called "Be," by A.C. Ping. I read it a long time ago and decided to read it once again. In section two (there are three sections) Ping quotes Gandhi with regards to happiness, he says, "happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." I like that.
That's the end of my journal entries. I think the biggest thing I got out of the retreat this past weekend is that meditation and being more aware of everything in my life really brings a calm, peaceful sense within... I want that back.
Also, I realize there is just so much talking in the world that we (and I very much mean me included) forget to listen. When we speak less, we hear things we didn't realize were even there.
After getting home and starting to unpack this is what I found in my bag:
looks like I won't be going on another long trip without Fin and Joy in the future ;-) And perhaps Jordan can come along :-)
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