The speaker shared her Spiritual Declaration with us, that flowed right along the same track as the Declaration of Independence. It was beautifully written. Then she asked each of us to write our own. This blog entry is mine. I wanted to include in here, like the Declaration of Independence, how I'm tired of being a victim and there are certain things in life I simply won't take anymore nor want in my life anymore. The Founding Fathers knew that they wouldn't take the rule of the King anymore and they wrote out their grievances in the Declaration. They also wrote out what they believed to be true. Not what they knew to be true from experience, because this was a new way of thinking, but what they knew to be true by listen to the Higher Power. The guidance of the Universe.
My Spiritual Declaration is about what I won't have in my life anymore and more of who I am now. I wrote a short blog entry questioning "Who am I?" about a year ago. This is a continuation of that understanding of me. As far as old parts of me which will be left behind I don't expect myself to be free and clear from this old self immediately. Parts will try and come back but it'll be important to know where my focus and intention lay: with a better and healthier life.
A friend asked the other day, "How do you know who you should be with, who would be a good match for you, if you don't acknowledge what you have to offer a man?" Good point I thought. This declaration is about Andrew. It's going to bring out who I am and as a result, show what I have to offer the world and another man. More importantly, what I have to offer an entire family, as I see myself as a family man.
A few posts ago in "Underwear Modeling" I wrote about 10 things I wanted in a partner. I acknowledged in that post that there are areas in the 10 things I seek in a partner where I am lacking a bit within myself and I want to work on them - and have started to do this work in many areas.
However, one thing I have realized recently is that I can't plan out and structure life to make everything work out "perfectly," or even "the way it should." And you know what, I'm getting this great feeling inside lately that I don't want to do this anymore. I had wanted to for so long.
As far as exploring possible guys to date in the future there will be elements of knowing some things I want in a partner, however, overall it will be about how I feel when spending time with this person. I wrote a note to myself recently about having the healthy relationship that I desire. I wrote: loving my partner means I respect him, am patient with him and listen to him. Respect, patience and communication are great concepts that one can say they have however, it's time for me to practice these qualities and observe guys (beyond what is said) to see if they practice them as well.
However, this entry is about acknowledging who I am currently, where I am in my life right now and accepting the Andrew I see in the mirror. I think it's a great idea because I truly believe that when I put a certain energy out in the world then it will come back to me. If I put an energy out there that I am a quality man that has some great things to offer, then a quality man who has some great things to offer will show up in my life. Hang on a second... someones at the door ;-)
Right now, a change is here. One of the songs which was beautifully performed this morning at CSL was "A Change is Gonna Come." I soaked up the words in the song as, with my hand on my heart and eyes closed, I swayed back and forth in my seat. Well... the change is here. This is the time to say no to what no longer works for me and yes to what works. It's time to recognize and appreciate the core of who Andrew is.
With this new desire, the guidance of my counselor and love from those in my life I am ready to break away from the way it's always been. I'm ready for the shift in consciousness, like the Founding Father's were ready for when they signed the Declaration of Independence. I'm ready to understand and love Andrew.
What doesn't work for me anymore:
Ignoring feelings. I thought I was done with feeling sad about missing Jason. I'm not done. I don't know how long it will all take to process but there is still obviously a little more to process. I don't have all of the pain that I had those first several days. That was a rough time and I was definitely allowing myself to be with that pain. However, yesterday I realized a part of that pain still remains.
Last night I was chatting with a nice gay couple at a friends house party. One of them must have known that Jason was my ex because when I spoke about Jason briefly, or said something about my ex-boyfriend, this guy said, "I met Jason a couple months ago through my friend." His friend is the guy (out of respect I won't put his name here) that Jason met at the gym and has been hanging out with since we broke up. Well, I thought it was only after we broke up. However, we broke up just over a month ago.
It hurt to hear that there was a possibility that Jason met this guy and started to move on from me before we broke up. What hurt more? This guy I was chatting continued, "I think they're dating." I know my facial expression told this guys boyfriend that this was more information then should have been said, as he stopped his boyfriend from saying more.
My heart sank and I felt a knot in my stomach. My first reaction was to try and ignore the feelings I was experiencing inside. I was thinking, "I'm over him... I'm over him... I'm over him. I'm not going to give him the power by feeling sad for the loss of our relationship." However, when I came home I wrote in my journal. I wrote a couple pages about the hurt. The power is not with Jason when I talk about the pain of an important relationship ending. It was an important relationship to me and it hurts that I accepted him into my life, that we were creating a life together and now that is done. Jason may be able to turn this connection off like a light switch, as one of his ex's suggested he can, but I can't.
I have to be true to myself. I sometimes feel like I don't explore each feeling that I am having enough. However, now is time to be true to me. What I felt in that moment after learning this information was hurt. It hurt to think that Jason had moved on from me so quickly, even before he left. It simply hurt. It felt so good to write this out in depth in my journal. This hurt, or sadness, will not have power over me. It's also not about Jason having the power, or anyone I have feelings with having power because I have feelings toward them that change. It will not have long lasting control. It will hurt for the moment and then I can take a step forward. However, I see how stepping forward only occurs after having acknowledged such powerful emotions. A sense of peace will be my overwhelming control in my life, that I will hold on to, not these other momentary feelings.
Peace to me is not 50 more years of life (or whatever I have left) with all happiness and serenity. It's finding peace in the pain, the sadness, the feelings of failure, the passionate anger, the deep desperation, the fierce bitterness, the vicious jealously, the hurt, the complex and simple hurt.
And... the beautiful happiness, the explosive laughter, the glee, the wonderful joy, the childish silliness, the excitement, the jaw-wrenching smiles, the expressive freedom, the love... oh the love.
As well as... the powerful oneness, the simple contentment, the tranquility, the cool and calm collectiveness, the stillness, the serenity, the loving forgiveness, the peace, the true peace with the moment as the moment is. To be with each feeling as I am experiencing each feeling and in acceptance of Andrew's experience of that feeling.
Money. I'm 32 years old now. Much of my life I've shied away from talking about finances. I guess that is how I, and many of us, were raised. I feel like I shied away from talking about the positive aspects of my finances because I didn't want to be like the wealthy relatives I had growing up. I feel like I made a connection between money, greed, and treating others poorly. However, I am seeing now how not everyone who has money treats others with disrespect. I saw growing up Uncles who had money and talked down about other people or specifically "poor" individuals. As if their money made them a better person and those without money made them lesser. As if, this status symbol spoke to the truth of who they were. It was simply a shallow surface representation of who my relatives were.
I do realize now that because I linked up money, greed and treating others poorly I developed an unhealthy relationship with money. I don't want that anymore. I don't feel like I need a lot of money in my life. However, this doesn't mean that I should push money away. I can welcome money into my life with good intentions. I've long thought the question to myself "what amount of money will I have to make a year to support me, my family and my desires for how I want to live my life?" I don't know that I have the exact figure worked out, however, if it's say $50,000/year that accomplishes this, then I would want to give everything I make above that to organizations that help those less fortunate succeed. However, I also do believe everyone needs to take care of him/herself first before he/she can help others. Therefore, I would first pay off all debt and have enough for retirement before giving back large sums of money.
I also realize that it's okay to talk about my financial state. It's not only okay but when it's done in a respectful way it is a healthy thing (for me at least) to discuss where I am financially. It doesn't mean that I will treat others poorly if I recognize all of my successes, including the financial ones. I can break that link created during childhood of money = greed = treating those without money poorly.
I think it's important to acknowledge where I am financially, as part of being clear with who I am and what I bring to a partnership. As I definitely bring an understanding of how to manage finances (thanks mom for teaching us that).
When I was 17 years old I started my IRA. I used to love managing money when I was young. I would go into my mom's purse at a very young age and I would organize and count the bills. Then I would tell her how much money she had. She taught me a lot about saving, budgeting and planning for the future. I have brought these lessons forward in my life.
At 19 years old, after receiving advice from my mom, I bought my first home. I still have that home on Whidbey Island. It's a small rambler with an acre. What I love about it the most is the property it sits on and the location. I see this as being a place I could build my dream home in the future. A nice home with a beautiful garden - definitely a family home.
This investment has been the best financial decision I've ever made. I have been fortunate with my renters as well. They have lived in my home (their home) for 10 years and have never been late on their rent. I've only raised the rent once ($50) to compensate for an increase in the property taxes. The way I see it is as long as my mortgage is being paid then why raise the rent on people who have been good to me for so long. They have been good to me, I'm good to them, and it cycles around.
At 20 years old I bought my second home. This was in Savannah, GA where I was stationed for two years. I had this home for about 6 years and was so happy when I sold it. I financially broke even between the repairs I made and the increased value in the home. However, I was happy I sold it because I had a terrible renter who would often not pay rent. It was stressful because I was living all over the country (and Spain briefly) all the while having to deal with this renter and her drama. Also I had recently received my AIDS diagnosis and all of this stress was a lot to manage. I was tired of having a home that was so far away and was happy to sale it.
Then I took a break from buying homes. I kind of wanted to be like one of my Uncles earlier in life who bought a home every year since he was 18, but I didn't follow his footsteps. Instead, I went back to college and then played a little in life (living in NYC for a year and continuing to travel after this).
Last year I realized I wanted to buy another home. I bought this studio condo where I'm living now in Capital Hill. The place is small but with the Murphy bed it feels like a perfect, single man size. I just love this place. It feels good to be in a place again that I own because I can fix it up how I feel speaks to me. I have done a lot of remodeling to my home and, as a result, it feels more like home.
I see myself in the future buying a few more homes and renting them out. I can see the rental income (after their mortgages are paid in full) as being part of my families income when my partner and I retire.
When I briefly write out here where I am financially I have a better sense of pride in what Andrew has accomplished so far to secure myself and the life of my future family. I no longer will fear speaking about my financial state and desires for my future.
Impatience. Patience with myself and others and letting life unfold as it should is my intention. For too long I have been impatient with myself and those around me. Much too hard on myself and those around me. That is part of the old Andrew I am ready to say goodbye to. Letting go of many expectations. Letting go of part of me, old parts of me that no longer work. Just giving myself permission to grow. To be me. To realize that I am the beautiful, healthy man that I have wanted to be. There is no race, there is no finish line that I'm trying to compete with others to reach, there is just right now. I am the man I want to be. I am in love with this man I see in the mirror.
I was walking down the hall the other day racing to a doctors office for work and I had this thought run through my head that said, "there's no end." I wasn't sure where the thought came from I just stopped in my tracks. I thought about this further and said to myself, "there's no end." It felt amazing. I had an "ah ha" moment (as Oprah and Eckhart would say) that there is no rush for some completion or anything. Just relax... there's no finish line I'm trying cross. I can slow down and feel complete. I'm complete now, there's no end.
I'm just reminded of what someone said once, "anything worth doing, is worth doing well." Focusing on doing one thing at a time and really being present as I do that one thing is about being patient with myself. I will have moments of impatience creep back in but I will now be more aware of those moments and come back to a love and patience for Andrew and those around me.
Ignoring my Gut. Listening to my gut is something I haven't been very successful at in the past. My first boyfriend constantly gave me the advice of "listen to your gut, you know what to do." No more ignoring what my gut, my power within, tells me is right and best for me. Listening within is so important. The energy of God, I truly believe, is within each of us and if we listen carefully enough we can sense that energy and feel the loving hand of our Higher Power guiding us.
I have often enjoyed to question things and debate topics. There came a time recently when I realized that I love asking questions, I love debating, but I also can love just being. No expectations, no analyzing, no questions of what's right, what's wrong, just being.
This past Wednesday I shared a service at the Center for Spiritual Living with two friends of mine. This service had the Interfaith Amigos, three men of different faiths who speak about the commonality of their faiths, sharing their stories and advice. One of them said, "when you hear a bird in song do you need to ask for it's credentials?" I laughed. It's funny. You hear a bird singing it's melody and you just accept it as beautiful. That's it. Loving what is, rather than having to question and analyze everything.
Respect. Respect is so important to me. If I go on a date with someone and they show disrespect to a waiter, for example, that is a clear indicator to me how that man will eventually treat me. Respect is so important. Respecting myself and others. Respecting that others have their path in life, like Jason, is something I am learning more recently. I thank my last relationship for this lesson. I think this is a great value to strengthen prior to becoming a professional counselor. Respect each man and woman for where he or she is in their life and appreciate that place he/she is. First I must respect and love myself, I am all about respecting and loving me for who I am right now.
Respect for myself is not something I've always had. It's coming to me now though. One thing I realized lately is that if I make plans with someone but then I don't feel like doing what ever those plans were then I'll still do it because I made a commitment. Commitment is important to me but being true and respecting what I need in each moment is more important. I can be a man who commits but then realizes when life changes and listen to that change.
A friend of mine was going on a camping trip this weekend and he was really excited about me going. I was excited about going at first too but just a few days ago I started to feel like I didn't want to go for several reasons. I told him that I couldn't go and why. He was clearly disappointed but I think handled it well. At first I didn't want to cancel because I told him I was going and knew how much he wanted me to go. I didn't want to disappoint him. However, it felt good for me to just recognize what I needed for this weekend. I needed to stay here in Seattle. It's about respecting what is best for me. If I take care of my needs then I'll be in the best position to take care of others when they call for me to do so.
Who I am:
Family. I have a strong commitment to my current family and have a desire to create a loving family with another man. I wrote a thoughtful blog entry simply titled "My Sister" a couple years ago to talk about how much I love my sister. I have written several posts which talked about my mom. In one, "I WON!" I shared how she has been such a great support for me after receiving my HIV diagnosis. We've had hard times in the past, I wrote about some of the dysfunction and chaos in my "Pain-Body" entry.
But now, in this present moment, both my mom and sister are able and willing to open up, share their feelings and move forward with a closer bond. That is what I desire with my future family (partner and kids). I know that my partner and I will not agree on everything, we may mess up several times with raising our children, but as long as we keep coming back to doing the best we can then I think we will have succeeded. I am in a position in my life right now where I see that I have a loving heart to offer a man and kids and when it's the right time for this family to come into my life I am ready.
Friends. I have some strong connections with people who I call dear friends (mostly women). I want more connections, especially with men, and have started to create those. There are two guy friends here in Seattle I have started to create a bond with, whom I met a year or two ago, that I really connect well with. Just in this last month I have met some more people whom I may have long lasting friendships with, both men and women. However, back to the patience - I will take my time to get to know them. Take my time in developing the long lasting, deep connection I seek to have with others.
Love. Who am I with regards to love? I know that I really appreciate having love in my life and love from and to those I am surrounded by. I value the relationships I have had thusfar, yes even my recent one, because I have learned so much about love and myself from each one.
I have learned simple things like drying off before stepping out of the shower so I don't get the floor wet (thanks PJ). I have learned what it means to share and be responsibily not only for myself but for a parternship. I have learned that love sometimes doesn't last, so it is important to be expressive with that love when I feel it wanting to come out. I have learned to laugh and joke with lovers. I have learned that having crazy expectations doesn't help me, doesn't help my partner and surely doesn't help the partnership. I have learned that there is pain after a loving relationship ends and that pain will subside but the memories will live on. I am grateful for my ability to love and share this love with others. I will be patient with myself while seeing potential men in my life that I can share a deep, loving partnership with.
Job. I'm currently in a secure, well paying job. I've had some ups and downs with this job. It was a tough challenge at first because part of my job is sales. I am the "face" for MOMS Pharmacy in our community and when people or doctors offices don't know about the pharmacy I am the one who introduces them to it. That's the "sales" part which was hard at first. However, lately I have really started to love my job. I'm able to work more with clients and do stuff like teach a budget class - which I did while working for a local non-profit some years ago. I really like the flexibility with my job.
I'm going to school right now for my MA in Community Counseling at Seattle University and I have to be honest, I'm not sure where I'll be after completing the three year program. If I really love my job as much as I do now I may stay with MOMS for longer. But, I have time to figure that all out. Right now I'm happy that I feel good in my current positon and I feel good with the SU program I'm in.
Oneness. I was thinking about my values the other day, as one of my new friends told me he was writing out his values, and realized that this idea of all of us being one is a value I hold dear to my heart. During the Interfaith Amigo's talk at CSL one of the amigos spoke about moral leadership. He said, "moral leadership helps us make choices for the common good." How do we, how do I, continue pushing myself to make choices for the common good? Part of understanding who Andrew is, is giving back to others, my community, my friends, my family, strangers, etc. The amigo went on to say how "when you give yourself to another, you become you for the first time." My best example of giving back, and seeing "me" for the first time, comes from my time at the Crisis Clinic.
I have been volunteering at the King County Crisis Clinic since October of 2009. We have a variety of crisis calls - from people needing help with rent assistance to those wishing to end their life because their pain is too much to handle. I love the training we receive for those individuals wanting to commit suicide. We are told to bring up the topic. If someone is sounding like they want to end their life it is important to paraphase what they have said and then ask, "are you thinking about killing yourself?" This makes so much sense to me. If someone is thinking about killing him/herself, in fact, if I was thinking about killing myself the last thing I would want from someone I am seeking help from is for them to beat around the bush about it. By being clear about the topic I give value to the callers fellings, that their feelings of pain and hopelessness are true, we recognize the truth of those feelings.
Often times we receive a lot of frequent callers. We have cards filled out for these callers so we know kind of what to expect with them and what the plan should be for their call. These calls can sometimes be long and the caller will want to talk about a variety of topics. It's not uncommon for people to do other things while on such calls (like play on the Internet, respond to email, play on their phone, etc). Even while listening to a frequent caller I try to not allow myself to get distracted, so I can be with the caller, but often I find I'll do all the same distracting things as those around me because of the routineness of the call. However, when I have a caller that talks about suicide all else shuts down. I'm present for him/her.
I wrote about one particular call in my application essay for my Graduate program's application process. The entire letter was posted in my blog entry "A Great Birthday Present." Here is what I wrote about my caller who was talking about suicide:
Sometimes I hear confidence restored in the voices of my clients. One conversation started with my caller in clear emotional distress. When I heard her pain I silenced all distractions. I bowed my head so the computer wouldn’t interrupt my assistance, I cupped my hands over the headset to void out the noise of those around me, and I consciously took one breath at a time while my caller shared her deeply personal story. There was a moment when neither she nor I spoke. This lasted 15-20 seconds. It was clear to me that silence was all she needed in that moment. I didn’t realize my supervisor was monitoring the session until I ended the call. She had one simple compliment for me. That compliment was, “Great use of silence.”
My reason for including this description in my SU essay was because it showed how I desired to connect with those I serve in a counseling setting. I do feel like this is my way of giving back to the world, and as was stated at CSL, finding me in that service.
Honesty. Another thing one of the Interfaith Amigos said was "speak the truth and live the truth, don't live a truth of convenience." A truth of convenience is telling a loved one the entire story when it is convenient for me to do so. I know in my last relationship Jason was very much guilty of this but so was I. I don't seek perfection in this area, nor any area I talk about in this entire blog post for that matter, I simply will have the intention of speaking the truth and living the truth constantly - not only when it's convenient. To have that intention will bring the truth out more.
Interdependence. I could probably look back about 7-10 years in my hand written journals and find entries about interdependence. I logically understood the value of being interdependent in the world at that time. However, I'm learning more now through my actions about what this means. I've had a variety of life situations where I was dependent on others, independent (stubbornly so at times), co-dependent, and counterdependent (again, the stubborness). Just like I started to say in my "oneness" section above, I'm starting to see the interconnectedness of all of us.
Interdependence to me is understanding that there are areas in life I shine in and there are areas in life I am still exploring and learning my place with. It is about understanding that the same goes with loved ones I share my life with. It is then putting aside pride knowing that when it's time to ask for help, I should ask for help. It is also about confidently knowing when it is time for me to guide others. It boils down to wanting to make the whole, the entire unit of each relationship, stronger and filled with a loving presence.
Openness. I love writing in this blog. I love posting my deep thoughts for those who care about me to read. However, in my latest counseling session we spoke about boundaries. We spoke about the value of keeping some things to myself and understanding the boundaries with each relationship I have in my life. This made me think about my blog and some of the things I have posted here. There are a few things I have posted that go beyond where I think I want to go in the future, with regards to my new boundaries between me and my blog (me and the world :-)).
Not a lot though. I mean, I write a lot... clearly this entry shows that. My entry about "How I Contracted HIV," was probably longer and definitely more revealing though. I wrote a lot in that about coming out and contracting HIV. When writing about HIV it is important to write about sex. Some people may think that sex is something we shouldn't talk about, I know this was how it was growing up in my family. Sex is a healthy part of life though. I will discuss sex, as the natural and healthy aspect of my life I want it to have. I also opened up quite a bit more about my finances above. This was a little uncomfortable for me. What I didn't do was go into depth about my net worth or liquid assets and such. I didn't give out my bank account number either (although if you want to wire me some money I'll freely give you the number!).
Openness to me doesn't have to mean every single aspect of Andrew is available for the world to know. Openness to me means when something feels uncomfortable to share, I will sit on it for a moment and recognize the root of that lack of comfort. If it boils down to a fear that I'm willing to face then I'll face it. However, I am also seeing the value of keeping things for me and my very close loved ones to know. There are several things I can think about that I have not written here and probably never will. Other things I'm willing and am able to share.
Punctual. I grew up on Whidbey Island. When my family and I would "go over town" to Seattle we would have to plan our day around the ferry schedule. It took exactly 10 minutes to get from our house to the ferry. Mom would give us exactly 10 minutes to get there. Man... the stress it caused. We would sometimes miss the ferry, which isn't a big deal when they ran every 30 minutes but it would bother mom because then we would have to wait and I don't think she liked waiting much. Other times we may leave a little earlier, when I say a little I mean 5-10 minutes, and she would sometimes stop at a garage sale before. "I'm just going to run in really quick and see what they have," she would say as she jumped out of the car. I just hated always running late to things.
I joined the Army at 18 and truly appreciate the concept of punctuality which Drill Sergeants had to drill into recruits. Not me! I was right there with them. Well... okay... one time I was late running down to our PT (Physical Training) formation. All four companies were formed up and here comes Private Nichols, with his PT shirt untucked (not cool), sticking out like a sore thumb because everyone was quietly standing there waiting for me. When I say everyone, we're talking about 150-200 of my fellow recruits. Damn! I was dropped right there in front of everyone (made to do pushups).
Most of the time however I was able to do what I was taught, arrive 15 minutes early to everything. A Sergeant of mine while stationed in Germany told my platoon once, "If you're 15 minutes early you're on time, if you're on time you're late and if you're late you know what to do." What you did was pushups... if you run late to a formation you might as well knock out your pushups before jumping into the ranks.
I am learning to be a little easier on myself, and others, with regards to puntuality though. Life is very moment by moment. Things happen. However, it doesn't mean that we can't set the intention of arriving to places on time if we have the time. I tell people that if you get somewhere early read a book or play on your iPhone, as most of us have an iPhone or some kind of smart phone. Or, better yet, just take a relaxation break from the world in your car. I have two great relaxation audio clips that I got from one of my ex's (Ken - a professor of Pyschology in Atlanta, GA). They are on my iPhone now and I try to find time to listen to one of them each day.
I realize that we are always changing, whether we like it or not. The world itself is changing and so are we. We're at least growing older and as we do we have the potential for change. I love aging, that's not my issue, my "issue" (I hate that word) is more about loving the present moment. It's not so much an issue as simply something I haven't stopped and realized enough lately. The above bit about who I am is really about loving this present moment of where I am in life. Now, this is something I will feel each day. Loving each moment as it is.
I will end with one of my favorite quotes about peace within. When I find myself in crazy, uncertain or just choatic situations I remember this quote (it's from an unknown source):
Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
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