I not perfect

After my last blog entry "Spiritual Declaration," Jason sent me a text message clearing the air about him and this guy he's been hanging out with. Our text went back and forth and were as long as emails. I really appreciate Jason reaching out. It shows, what I knew in my heart but perhaps the pain wouldn't let me see, that there was meaning to our relationship. I'm not going to go into detail about the text messages back and forth, because it's personal between Jason and I, however there is a little I want to share. I'm learning the boundaries I just started to explore with my counselor are quite powerful and really something I'm taking to heart.

However, I wanted to briefly write about one part of the conversation that says a lot about where I am and what I want for me now. It was about all of these self-help books I've read. Two particular I mentioned in the text were Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth," and Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements." One of the four agreements is "I will not make assumptions." However, part of me was assuming that something happened between Jason and this other guy, before we broke up, from what a third party person said.

I wrote out to Jason, "As much as I understand Tolle's beliefs and the 'Four Agreements,' I not perfect."

I saw this because I wanted to write in my journal this morning about how much I appreciated Jason reaching out and enjoyed our conversation back and forth via text. As I was writing in my journal I went back through the texts to reference topics we discussed. These were really long, thoughtful texts. I thought it was so funny how I was talking about realizing that I'm not perfect, and here I go, in that same sentence, I wasn't perfect. I showed some simple imperfection that, isn't a big deal, but so telling.

"I not perfect." Love it!

I also thought yesterday about this idea of perfection as my condo is being worked on. I thought about how I like things being completed as they should and "everything has a place and everything in its place." I didn't even realize it but lately I've started to be comfortable with things not being in its "proper" place. I thought about this yesterday because my kitchen is currently torn apart while my electrician guy is putting in under cabinet lights (yay!). He's having a hard time getting the wiring through and so my fridge needed to be out of the kitchen for an extra day. It was easiest to just leave it in my living room:



I like this picture because you can clearly see that the fridge is out of place and there is a hole where it should go to the right and back. Everything has its place and everything in its place, right? But I slept right next to the fridge and I was cool (ha ha ha) with it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really look forward to having all of the remodeling done in my condo but there's a part of me that feels more at ease with the process, more than I would have been previously. There's no rush.

I had a "to do," list that I had writen out for what I wanted to complete for my condo remodel and I previously had the title of this list as "to accomplish," as I don't really care for a title of "to do." Now, I rewrote my list on my dry erase board and titled it something different, something where I didn't feel like it was a list I needed to accomplish or do right now. I titled it: Eventually. I'll get to it, when I get to it.

It's like learning the lessons from my relationship with Jason. At first I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to write out in my journal and some here about what went wrong, what I can do better next time and how I can grow from the experience. However, as Ken kept telling me, that was the time to take care of myself - that was all. I needed to wait until I can use my "wise" mind to understand the lessons.

Am I in my wise mind right now? I'm not sure if I am completely, but definitely more so. But I'm not in a hurry to figure it all out. The greatest thing that came from Jason and I's text exchange was that we realized we both cared for each other greatly and appreciated that we can still be connected. I'll learn lessons that I need to learn from him and I in time. In the meantime, it feels good to see love still there with Jason and I. Like I texted Jason, we obviously still have love for each other, however the love is just changing form.