Dear Jason

Yesterday I had my first counseling session with a lady I am looking forward to seeing on an ongoing basis. Last night I decided to write a letter to Jason, in my journal, following this session. Here it is:

Dear Jason,

Saying goodbye to a boyfriend is hard. Saying goodbye to a man I made love with is even harder.

I was in a lot of pain the first week to 10 days following our breakup and revelations of dishonesty. I was confused about how this man (you), whom I opened my heart to and became quite vulnerable with, could hide so much about who he was from me.

Even after our breakup I wanted to hold you, to show you a safe place to open up as well. I was shaking on that Friday after my friend told me what happened and then you, after claiming I "never trusted you", finally admitted what occurred. However, when you admitted this and it brought tears to your eyes, I got up from the couch to comfort you. I still wanted to wrap you up in my arms and pass on that sense of peace I've felt with life, a peace that allows me to be true to myself and others. I did hold you during and after our relationship, however, I couldn't show you that safety.

I had my first counseling session today. Just in one hour I learned a lot. I look forward to my next session with this woman I am seeing. She is a relationship expert, which is perfect for me because I do desire a healthy relationship.

When sharing my life story with her we got to the point of talking about the relationship we had. I talked about the dishonesty, and my uncertainty with how dishonest you were in our partnership. I talked to her about how I felt some trust issues with past boyfriends, with you I found it hard to trust you toward the end. As I was reminded of how I felt you were hiding even more from me, I thought to myself, "The end of Anson was the best thing for me."

My counselor then asked, "What did you like about Jason?"

I paused for a moment, then smiled as I remembered.

I told her I loved how we walked hand in hand every place we went to.

I liked how you took control at the BBQ Fundraiser in Tacoma, to grill for the guests, during our first weekend together. I was proud to introduce you as my boyfriend.

I'm sure I lit up even more when I told her how I loved your touch, how I loved that every night we slept together we gave each other a kiss goodnight, laid on our backs and held each other's hands as we drifted off into sleep.

I let my tears start to flow as I told her how I loved your goofiness. I loved how you could always make me laugh. Either by locking me down on the bed with your upper body strength while tickling me to death (literally... I coulda died!) or pretending to leave our home but really still remaining in the condo - only to poke your head up from behind the kitchen counters after the door closed. Like I was a kid. But you understood me in that way, in that I was a child in the sense that this simple silliness, catching me off guard with a game of "peek-a-boo," produced an awesome laughter out loud from me.

I shared how I liked the simple relationship things we did have going for us. When we lived together there were several things that worked really well. We loved to go grocery shopping together. We did well with managing finances together. We actually did more than well, we had fun with it much of the time. You cooked and I cleaned mostly. For the most part we had what I wanted in the area of living with another man, a good flow in household chores.

I explained how I deeply appreciated your intellectual curiosity about the world - especially in areas concerning our planet and environment.

I admitted loving your physical beauty too. From your big feet to captivating smile. Your strong arms down to your beautiful legs. I told her, after feeling comfortable talking to her about sex, that I received great pleasure in our sex life. However, the sex was what I wanted to focus on more.

I feel like we had some great sexual moments. When I told you, toward the end of our relationship, that I felt like I wanted to have sex more often I was not really understanding what I was seeking. I didn't need sex more often, I needed/desired a different kind of sex. A sexual connection that I felt with you once - I needed and wanted that in our life (for both of us to feel) on a recurring basis.

You remember that one time right?

We were at your place, probably a couple months into our relationship. After some foreplay we moved into a passionate moment of me entering you. As we were engaged in this intense physical act of love making our eyes were locked on each other. Not very long, but for a moment we were connected. Connected beyond the physical level. I felt an energy, which is hard to explain with words, that surrounded both of our bodies and brought together the unseen essence of who Jason and Andrew are. It truly brought us together as Anson, more than words, time, or anything can bring two men together.

I do realize that you didn't have this same feeling. I thought in that moment you did. However, it should have been clear when you stopped me by saying, "it hurts too much." When I stopped the energy field, protecting and connecting the two of us, dissipated. We finished, by having aggressive sex, in a much less intimate and purely physical position and state of being.

From that moment on I continued to want to make love to you and somehow have you feel what I felt. Not my touch, nor my words, my openness, my vulnerability, none of it could help show you what I felt. Why is that? I know I didn't have the power to show you this amazing part of a loving connection, I didn't realize then how high your safety wall was, however I tried over and over to break it down. But I could only do so much. It's time now for you to work on that, if you desire.

Toward the later half of our relationship I explained, "Jason, I want to make love to you." In past relationships I believe I made love the best way I knew how to make love at that time. I see that I was in a similar position as you, especially with my first few relationships. I had a wall. I experienced the depth of love I was allowing myself to experience in those moments, but it stopped at a certain shallow depth. I experienced more with you. It was just a glimpse of what is possible. However, now that I see that possibility I want to experience more. I want that in my life.

I wanted it with you because I saw such powerful love when I was with you. However, I understand from my history and from what you have told me that you are not in a place in your life to offer this. I recognize that I saw you for your potential, a beautiful potential you have and can reach through your own growth, more than seeing you for who you are currently. Not that I was competely lost in the potential of Jason, but I definitely see how I was hanging on to the possible relationship we could have developed. You made a lot of growth in our relationship, as I'm realizing I did as well. It may be hard right now to see that growth, but you will. Then you'll just need to be clear with what you desire in life and continue moving toward it.

What is different in my life that allowed me to experience this depth with another man, more than I was able to before? I believe there is a combination of things. I am more settled, I feel more grounded and myself, I know more of what I want in life, I feel able to be more open and vulnerable in a loving relationship. I believe I am free to love in a way, a powerful way, that I had yet experienced. And I feel ready to explore moving deeper into who Andrew is emotionally, spiritually, physically, every aspect.

The best thing for me wasn't that we broke up, as I wrote at the beginning of this letter, although it was necessary for both of us. The best thing for me was experiencing the relationship of Anson. Meeting you, sharing so much of me with you and having the experience of loving you in such a special and intimate way. That was what was best for me.

Thank you for showing me how to love more fully. Thank you for being there as I started on this new path. Now, with the guidance of my counselor, I will explore love and relationships more and pull out more of my own areas of where I hold back intimately. I don't want to hold back anymore. I started to open up a lot with you, but even you recognized that I still held back emotionally. If I could feel that much power in just that one episode of love making I really look forward to opening up more emotionally and connecting on a deeper level with a future partner so I can experience more of that complete love with a man.

I wanted to write you this letter because a lot came out of this first counseling session. I simply wanted to write to you to say thank you for opening my eyes to possibilities. Thank you for sharing part of you with me. I do hope in the future we can build a strong friendship by sharing more with each other. Building this will take time, openness and trust. Because I care about you deeply and appreciate the closeness we have had thus far, I hope we can add on to that.

With love I say goodbye to Anson.

Andy

PS. Ironic. Blueberries are now in season.