Missing My Man

I just got home from a walk to Westlake Center and back. I love living within walking distance to both Broadway, the heart of Capitol Hill, and downtown.

As I walked back I enjoyed the perfect Fall evening while songs played randomly on my iPhone. The multi-colored leaves falling in the slight breeze, a crisp temperature cold enough to make me zip up my thin jacket and a peaceful calm in a still busy city all reminded me of why I like Seattle during this time of year. Perfection... except one thing - no Jason by my side.

Then as I was crossing the Pine Street bridge over I-5, the barrier between downtown and Capitol Hill, Janet Jackson came on over my earphones singing "Every Time." Her words spoke to me, "I'm afraid I'm starting to feel..." the song starts. Then she explains more in depth, "I'm afraid to fall in love, I'm afraid to love so fast, cause every time I fall in love it seems to never last."

Now that Jason is away in Mexico, and we won't reconnect for another week, these last couple days have allowed me some much appreciated alone time. During this time alone I have thought about our relationship.

The evening of our first date he invited me up to his place. I initially wanted to resist because I was concerned about moving too quick into something with this man that I knew very little about. I wanted to get to know the depth of who Jason was, not just enjoy a quick superficial, sexual experience.

The first time I saw him, just a couple weeks earlier, his physical appearance definitely caught my attention but his sweet southern boy charm kept it. However, there's always much more to know about a guy and I wanted to take the "appropriate" time to get to know him - what ever amount of time that is.

We met at a mutual friends BBQ. In the middle of walking around, exchanging hugs with people I knew, I saw Jason sitting at this table:



I immediately thought to myself, "damn... he's hot." Of course, I couldn't let him know I thought he was so attractive, so I played it cool for a few minutes. I said hello to the rest of the guys I knew there and met some new people - all while my real desire was to meet this man who was just sitting at the table enjoying his solitude. I guess I just saved the best for last huh :-).

When I was ready to meet Jason I took that seat you see me in above and sat with him at this table. Then I did something I don't really enjoy, I struck up a conversation around small talk. However, I ended up positioning the chair as you see it above, because the small talk quickly turned into an interesting conversation. I was no longer only taken back by this man's beautiful green eyes, but there was some substance under there as well.

We briefly interrupted our conversation that was revealing a man beyond this beautiful, yet merely superficial layer, I saw in front of me and decided to grab some grub... of course the main reason to go to a BBQ! After we sat back down he did something that I thought was so sweet. In the process of organizing his food, drink and utensils he grabbed a napkin for me and slid it under my plate - all while we continued where we left off in our conversation. It wasn't just the kindness of him getting a napkin for me, but it was the fact that he did this without even paying attention to what he was doing - I guess this was the true southern boy, a common courtesy, that just naturally was part of him.

Now of course, if you look at this picture closely, you'll see Jason completely engaged in our conversation while I'm leaning back almost as if to say "come get this." I'm even grabbing my shorts and pulling them further up. "BOY! You've already half naked, impress the man with a conversation not your goods ;-)" (Although both are impressive). This picture must have been taken soon after I just sat down, as I was in between being taken back by his looks and moving further into a substance I couldn't have seen through the initial encounter.

So just in our first meeting I realized I really liked this man. Although, at that time he was talking to someone else and so we could only be friends.

Thankfully, this other guy didn't last and we went on our first date. Yay! :-)

So, here we are at about 9pm, at the end of a date that started at about 5pm, and neither one of us wanted the evening to end. Therefore, I decided to go up to his room.

While up in his room we chatted more. I was able to learn more about this emotionally open and affectionate man. Before the rolling around and kissing on his bed, I saw some of the depth that I sought in a lover: a genuinely caring side to him. Although I definitely desired this in a partner the fact that this beautiful man in front of me seemed to possess this quality made me pull back slightly in fear that I would fall, and not just fall but fall hard for him. Surely my mind tried to convince me that someone who seems as great as Jason was either hiding something or would hurt me in the end. As a result my self destructive thoughts, based only in fear, briefly interrupted my moment of happiness.

But I wasn't going to let my mind get the upper hand this time. We started to kiss a bit, as we rolled around and wrestled on his bed. Then, as he was laying on his back and I was on top of him holding his hands down in a playful manner, we paused in that position for a brief silent moment. With my eyes giving into his welcoming gaze I openly expressed a feeling I had never expressed to someone before.

Now, let me just back up a bit and make sure I'm clear about how I felt when I first met Jason. After talking at the BBQ I was able to realize that this man was not only very attractive but also a smart, sweet guy. And I remember sitting there talking to him and I had this thought cross my mind, "he's way out of my league."

What I didn't realize at that time, was that he actually saw me about a year before. When I was dating Austin, Jason's then boyfriend (Michael) was singing in the choir at Austin's church. This was a large holiday choir and Austin asked me to sing up there with the group. At first I told him "no, really thanks... but no!" But something in me just said, "what the heck..." and I got up there and sang my little heart out!

Jason was there in the crowd to watch Michael perform but he told me after we started dating that when he saw me in the group he wondered, "who's that hottie in the back?" In fact he told me that him and Michael came back to Austin's church several times after this and each time he wondered if he would see me again. Not that he would have done anything because he was in a relationship... but I definitely caught his attention. He didn't see me again because I rarely went to church with Austin - that was Austin's thing, not mine.

But back to our first official date. When we were in his room, after spending several hours together, I just felt that feeling come up that said "yes, I am good enough for you."

This peaceful confidence just hit me like a slap of reality across the face that was long overdue. The reality that I am a great person and will make a great partner for some man one day and therefore I deserve a great man. If I thought that Jason could be a great man, which I knew little about him at the time but the little I did know I was impressed with, then no... he wasn't too good for me. He was just right for me.

In the moment of hesitation, just prior to me expressing myself to him, I witnessed the battle my mind was having with my ability to speak these words. My mind said, "don't be silly... don't open up to this guy you hardly know and risk being hurt. Guard yourself and let him open up first." While this other part, a part I have learned to listen to more and more, was now more powerful and it simply said, "speak the truth. Speak with sincerity and love." I can speak with love without having to be in love first.

I did just that.

My mind retreated and my soul escaped through my now soft eyes and, without fully understanding why, I broke that moment of silence by telling him, "I deserve you."

What did this even mean? My mind was able to question afterwards. I didn't know.

However, as silence continued after I expressed myself there wasn't a need for an immediate verbal response because his eyes confirmed what I felt from the energy that connected the two of us in that moment: that this was either a message he needed to hear or one that simply hit him hard in a depth that physical appearance, sex, materialistic gratification, or even a great conversation all couldn't come close to. When I saw his eyes react this way I knew then that it didn't matter what the exact meaning of those words were, I just knew that it was something that needed to be said.

For me it was simple. It was the truth of how I felt. That is the way I am understanding is healthiest for me - to be true to myself, friends, family and potential lovers.

Do you ever have this feeling? Knowing that you should say or do something without understanding why? Do you say or do that something or try and figure out the why first?

I've had this feeling more and more lately... not knowing why I should say or do something but I listen to my gut and do it and the result is amazing - it's a feeling of connecting, of truly being with another person in a space that I had yet to explore to the depth that I am now exploring. Is it possible to not have such a positive reaction from expressing my feelings? Yes... it's entirely realistic and possible. However, I would rather stumble expressing myself openly than go through life closed off about who I am, because of this fear of expressing myself.

As I write this out I recall another situation that happened during work just last week. I was driving to see one of the front desk gals at a doctor's office I visit for work and while I was driving there I had this feeling in me that I needed to give her a hug. I didn't understand why I would give this woman a hug because she was someone I hardly knew. Although I have created a connection with her during some of my brief visits to this doctor's office, I never hugged her before and it seemed odd to me that I would think of doing so.

I went into the doctors office and there she was crying. As soon as she saw me come through the door she got up and went into the bathroom to possibly "make herself presentable" as if anyone should hide from showing such emotions. While she was gone another woman there filled me in on what was upsetting her co-worker. When the first lady came back I told her, "I want to give you a hug." I went around the receptionist desk and did just that, held her in my arms for just a brief moment.

I'm reminded that this is exactly what my first boyfriend advised years ago, "listen to your gut."

As far as Jason and I's relationship I've had this question of, "will it work out in the end?" tumble around a few times in my mind. This definitely has been my fear in the past. How could I open up my heart so much if I wasn't certain, or if my mind wasn't convinced, that it would be a lasting relationship? A year from now, will we be together? I don't know.

No, I don't know what will happen. I don't know if we will be together in two months, let alone a year from now. However, I do know that right now, in this moment, I like him. I care about him. And I definitely am enjoying the time we are sharing together and I'm going to soak up as much of this time as I possibly can.

I have witnessed a change in the individual: Andrew. I am more in touch with how I feel, more able to share those feelings with others and, possibly as a result, more at peace within. While I have moved more toward the direction of where I want to be I still have moments of fear. I guess the perfection, the ultimate state of peace I want to feel is not a state with no fear but a state where peace can be felt as simple as our body just knows to breathe - where peace is just part of every second of my life, during times of calm as well as times of fear.

So, what is this fear that crept in today? The fear that Janet says of falling in love and not having it last. None of my relationships with men have lasted over one year. My history hasn't proven a stability in living situations, careers or relationships.

About a month after Jason and I started dating, and just days before my entire family was to meet him, I recognized this fear and specifically a fear of having my Mom meet another man whom could be part of this previous cycle of someone she likes but later to find out the relationship was not going to last.

After recognizing this fear I called Mom up and talked to her about it. At first I told her that I didn't want her, or the family, to meet Jason just yet, even though he and my family were all going to be at the AIDS Walk days away. She responded, "No problem... I'll pretend he's not there." (smile) that's my mom :-)

Then I told her... "It's not that I don't want you to meet guys I date, I'm just concerned that you've meet some great guys I've dated in the past and you get attached to them but then a few months down the road we break up." I told her that I didn't want instability in my life anymore. I told her that I didn't want short term relationships anymore and admittedly I wanted her to see I can settled down with someone.

I told her, most importantly, "Mom... I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to keep introducing you to guys and then I, and you, feel like this is a great guy for me and then I tell you a few months later that it didn't work." I don't like to fail and each time I've told my mom that a relationship of mine has ended it has felt like failure.

She listened to my concerns and told me, "You're dating right now. I understand that. You're getting to know different guys and seeing who is right for you. It takes time... just like it took time for me to find Mark (my step-dad)." And in those few words I felt so much better. It was like this burden of proving something to everyone was released.

I didn't realize how much pressure I was putting on myself to make each relationship perfect, every time I introduced a guy to my mom I wanted her to know that I was capable of settling down and of course that guy, the guy in that moment, was who I was going to be settled with. I wanted her to be proud of me for doing this.

But having these words from my mom put me at so much ease. It's just amazing how beneficial it is to have good conversations with parents, or at least role models. I'm happy to be back in Seattle because since I've been back her and I have become a lot closer - something I didn't realize was possible.

I do have to give myself some credit though, as lately I have proven to myself that I can be stable. I have now been with my current job for over a year. More impressive, I've been in the same city for the past four years - something I couldn't have said since I was about 14.

As far as the relationship with Jason and I is concerned all I can do is be in the moment that we have now. Right now I like him. I have a great time with him. This video on Facebook of him and I tickling each other reminds me of the fun we have with laughing together.

How many times have I watched this video since he has been gone? More than I care to admit. AND... each time I watch the video I giggle like a little boy, just like I did in the video. :-)

When he left for Mexico I put this picture of him on my iPhones wallpaper:



because it reminds me of how much I enjoy our now traditional weekend morning breakfast. Sure... he cooks most (okay all) of it while I take pictures and/or lay in bed watching my morning political shows :-) but even when I'm watching the shows I'm able to see him from his bedroom and scream out, "boy... you done cookin' yet?" :-) (big smile). And of course the chocolate chips are evenly spread around in the pancakes, melted to perfection. So good! And what did I have this morning, now that he's not here to make this delicious breakfast? Croissants with jam (4 of them). They were good... but nothing like my man's home cookin' ;-)

I enjoy what we have, what can I say. Do I fear that we'll lose that? Yes, a part of me does. I fear it because I've been with great guys for several months and things were typically really good but then before that serious point hit (past what people refer to as the honeymoon phase) I was out.

I don't want to be out. I don't know if Jason is the "right" one for me. However, I do want a partnership. Before Jason and I dated I wrote the following in my journal:

I don't know that I'm ready to date at this time. However, I know that after Austin and I parted ways (with regards to a loving relationship) I've had some opportunities to date and I just want to be clear with myself as to what I seek in a partner before I get involved again.

I wrote out several things before Austin and I dated and, even though I wasn't necessarily looking for a lover, Austin and I met. Our relationship was really great - as I portrayed in a few of my past blogs.

Communication is still key to me. It's great now to have witnessed what a healthier relationship looks like. I know I can continue to improve on things, as there were areas where I personally can improve on from my past relationships, but this will be mainly through healthy, open dialogue. Both being able to express my feelings and listening - while receiving the same from a potential partner.

How do I see my partnership with a future lover?

Family:

I don't know if I will have children in the future - however, I would love to. I definitely see myself being with someone who is good with children.

Interests:

I desire to be with someone who has similar interests and beliefs - however, of course, we don't have to be mirror images of each other. I like to learn from other people and I expect to learn from future partners, as I have from my previous ones.

Health:

Someone who takes care of himself. I'm not interested in someone with a six pack and no body fat... what I am interested in, is someone who takes care of himself as I take care of myself. I really love hiking and this is one interest I would love to share with a lover. I only go once a week, so I'm probably not characterized as a "serious" hiker - however a hiker nonetheless.

Of course someone who is comfortable with having a sexual relationship with a man living with HIV - because this is something I can not change in my life. Ha... as much as I want to. Well... let me clarify that right now I can't change it because, I'll tell you what, the minute their is a cure I'll be among the first in line to receive it. I have previously thought that it would be much easier to date someone who is also living with HIV. Just for the simplicity of being able to relate to each other and connect on the level of being men living with this virus. Although, I have realized that the most important thing is to be with someone who will free himself to love me regardless of my HIV status.

Intimacy:

I'm a bit of a romantic. Well... maybe more than a bit. I love doing the simple things like holding the car door open for my man or the more powerful bond of holding each other just before passing out in bed. The best? That's holding someone I care about while laying down and then having him fall asleep on my chest. I love to hold and be held.

Balance:

Speaking of holding and being held... I desire balance in my future partnership. Of course it doesn't have to be perfectly balanced. However, I know there are times that my future partner will need caring arms to trust and I want him to know that he can be vulnerable in mine while there will be times that I need to let go and trust those arms of my man. I desire a balance that will make up a healthy relationship.

So, is it wierd that I like Jason a lot and miss him after we've only been together for two months? No, I guess it's really not weird... I mean, our relationship is new... it makes sense to miss him a lot now. Wait until we've been together for ten years... then I'll be paying for him to go to Mexico alone (ha ha - smile).

But something I realized from my Mom's words, and in thinking more about it during this time alone, is that it's okay if things don't even work out with Jason and I. I like him. I like him alot. He has a lot of the qualities I want in a man, in a partner. However, we've had just over two months together... time will tell. Right now, the important thing, is that I give ourselves that time needed to see what a partnership of Andrew and Jason (or Anson) looks like and to do that I need to give myself fully to it - as I'm learning to. And with my Mom's words of advice still fresh I'm reminded that I need to be kind to myself and be patient with getting to know the guy I'm dating - having this reminder brings so much relief.

I do see this as the part of me that strives to be perfect. The perfect Andrew has a partner, two kids, a home, a great job... a perfect Andrew has a perfect life. What is a perfect life?

The other day I was thinking about my past relationships. I know there are people (my extended family) who feel like family circumstances and events growing up don't effect or have an influence on kids... especially if they are young when things occur. However, I'm one to believe that we are definitely all partly who we are because of both our makeup when we're born AND because of the environment we are surrounded by - especially as a result of what occurs when we are young.

I had this interesting feeling come up the other day. I thought about Mom and Dad's relationship and how Mom wouldn't leave Dad when, from an outsiders perspective, it was obviously an unhealthy, abusive relationship and clearly not good for any of us to be in.

In looking back to my several short term relationships I wonder if my parents relationship influenced how I reacted in my earlier parternships. Like when I saw one thing wrong, the fear of my parternship turning out like Mom and Dad's situation caused me to split?

I've even had a slight feeling like that even come up with Jason. That out of fear I would be trapped in an unhealthy relationship when I saw one thing which was imperfect. The good thing is that as soon as I have felt this urge come up, that slight feeling in me that I should leave - I now acknowledge it, question it, talk about it, write things out and listen to what's really going on inside. It's much different than before. I'm not saying because of this I know Jason and I will be together forever... but I can say because of this ability I will at least be able to tap into a clear understanding of my desires and give the relationship the chance it (and I, and Jason) deserve.

I do acknowledge another thing, as I write this out, and that is, is that I am not now, or never have been, in the dysfunctional relationship that Mom and Dad had. And being the person that I am today I know I will never allow myself to be with someone who treats me like that. I see what love isn't and what love is... I see what an unhealthy relationship is and what a healthy relationship is... I am seeing who is not good for me as a lover and who is good for me.

It's not that I seek perfection in a partnership. I simply seek love, respect, honesty, healthy communication and understanding. The imperfections we will have, we will expose them, and we will see them as a continuation of the beautiful relationship we share.

I was just texting a girl friend of mine today. She wrote me first talking about girl problems... and so I asked her, "write me an email and list out 10 things you want in a partner." She did. I don't know what it is, but there is some power to writing things out... I wrote this out above and days later I met Jason. He definitely fits what I asked for.

It reminds me of that famous quote from the Bible: "And I say unto you, ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and ye shall find: knock, and it shall be opened unto you." Luke 11:9.

Okay... I don't typically quote Bible verses, but this one was definitely appropriate. Besides, I have the Bible, the Holy Qur'an and a "Modern Buddhist Bible" what ever that means. ;-) I do love learning about different religions. In short, I think the messages in each have something to offer.

In fact, I looked through the Qur'an and found this great quote, "O you who believe, seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allāh is with the patient" 2:152 Surah Al-Baqarah.

What would Buddha said? "Be fat and jolly... unless you are trying to find a man - then be fit and jolly." :-) I don't know - haven't read the "Modern Buddhist Bible" yet.

No... the Buddhist belief would probably advise to be silent and simply listen to God, as God is within us all and when we silence the mind we can hear our soul speak.

I do believe that all we need to do is ask. I asked for this partnership and here we are.

I want to continue to explore the feelings that arrise around love and longivety in a partnership. I'm sure there will be more to come as I explore this.

In the meantime... where am I at right now?

I'm enjoying the laughter, kindness and love that my partnership with Jason is offering. And in the end, I do realize that even though I don't know what will happen tomorrow... I know today that I do love having Jason in my life.

Family:



Jason with his neice.


Interests:



Jason and I enjoying a play together.


Health:



Jason definitely takes care of himself :-)


Intimacy:



Jason is very much a romantic.


Balance:



Sometimes he holds me... sometimes I'm holding him.

What Love Is...

I was thinking about love for a few reasons:

1) because of my new relationship (see picture below - yes there is video too... which can be found on my xtube account - JK!!!):



2) because of my recent post "Loving Me."

3) because I was talking with a friend recently and he said how he has recently realized what love isn't. He said that his parents' relationship was very dysfunctional, and rather than going into the dysfunction, it was not a loving relationship.

This all made me think about what is love? If I have become clearer about what love isn't (yelling, constant arguing, no affection, etc) do I understand what love is? I don't know that I have the complete understanding now and perhaps some will say I should have that prior to getting involved in a loving relationship. However, I can say that I do have some understanding of what love is and I want to write out what I currently feel love is for me.

So... what love is...

- Healthy communication. Being able to listen to another person and really seek to understand prior to seeking to be understood. (concept from "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"). Open and honest dialogue. Ability to communicate about difficult topics (sex, money, politics, etc.). Having arguments and moments to bicker, but then coming back with the desire to de-escalate the situation and, being free of ego, listen to each other (I'm not going to say I never want to argue, because that is probably unrealistic, I just want a healthy situation to arise out of any argument).

- Comfortable silence. Years ago (I was about 21 years old) my second boyfriend and I were eating lunch at Denny's (yay Grand Slam!). While eating he pointed out an older couple who were just sitting there enjoying their meal in silence. My then boyfriend looked back at me and said, "it'll be nice to be at that point one day." I was confused... I didn't understand what was nice about it. I immediately saw the interaction between this elderly couple as sad, because they were not talking. However, what I have realized in the past couple years is that these two were so comfortable in each other's space that they were able to love and appreciate the silence. Not having to fill the air with words. I know this will take time in a relationship - however, now I see the beauty of this and will love to be here one day in my partnership as well. When I can be comfortable in the silence with my man, I will know that we have reached a new level of love.

- Affectionate touching. I am a very affectionate man. I love to hold hands, kiss, cuddle, explore every inch of the body of the man I call my partner with my tongue... whew... excuse me baby. Started day dreaming there. I really do love affection though. Love to me means the ability to flow affectionately together with my loving partner.

- Revealing issues. I think it's very telling if a man I am with allows himself to be emotional with me and, although I don't like this word much, will be true about the "issues" he has. I think it's important for him to bring his concerns and issues forward, as I will bring mine forward and together we can look at the issues/concerns we have in our relationship. This one goes with communication. However, I have it separate because two people can communicate well without being true about where they feel they are weak, where they feel they lack in their life, where they feel they don't understand themselves well enough... etc. Revealing the truth of oneself seems to be part of what love is for me.

- Respect. Love has a lot to do with respect and vice-versa. Respect for each other's space, situation in life and viewpoints.

- Vulnerability. Being able to let go into the arms of the one I am loving or falling in love with. Being emotionally open, and again true, to that person.

- Knowing each other. I think love has a lot to do with knowing your partner very well. Knowing what he likes and dislikes. Knowing what to buy for the other as a random gift. Understanding each other's buttons. Of course this all comes in time... but doesn't love come in time as well?

And when I talk about love I am not only talking about the love that I want with a partner. I am talking about the love I have/desire with friends, family members, etc., anyone I interact with in the world who feels a loving connection with me.

I will continue to explore what love is to me.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I don't know that I have a clear answer to this question at this point. However, I do know that through learning from someone I recently met I have realized that I can at least start the process of answering this question. This will be short, quick, and a free written piece that I will try not to edit (which is hard for me).

Andrew Wilson Nichols. That is my full name. I get my middle name from my father. I was called Andy during my early years and started changing over to Andrew when I was in the Army (for those who didn't refer to me as Nichols anyways).

I am a man who loves men - sexually. I enjoy jigsaw puzzles and reading. I love spending time with myself, but realize I am a true extrovert - I gain energy from being around people. I love walking through crowds of people and, without peeping a word, I can feel the energy from the group which helps me "recharge."

I see that I am full of love for friends, family, lovers, and strangers. I will do random acts of kindness that I don't share those actual acts with anyone else. I love touch. I love to be touched and touch other people.

I smile when I crawl into bed at night. I will often sprinkle a very small bit of baby powder on my sheets in the morning. At night I pull the sheets and blanket back, crawl in, curl up with a pillow and breath the smell of the baby powder in... often with a big smile on my face like it's the most wonderful treat I could give myself - yet it's so simple.

I love dogs, but I don't have one right now. I don't like zoo's because, since I was a little kid I always hated seeing the animals in the cages.

I have had several short term relationships and fear that I will have more short term relationships. I long for a long term, stable relationship - a family.

I cry at sad movies and try to hide my tears. I cry when I am alone sometimes, thinking about things that I have often wrote about in my past blog entries. I cry when my sister talks about the pain she feels from our upbringing and the love she has for me.

I am a brother, brother-in-law, son, step-son, cousin, nephew, friend. I appreciate family but don't feel like they always appreciate me. I am very thankful when people give me the smallest things, but sometimes have a hard time accepting even the smallest of things.

At times I feel like I am weak and could be broken by those who discover my weakness. I curl up in a ball to protect myself from things that I often can't identify.

I used to scoff at people who drove BMW's, thinking they were all snobs. Then I bought one.

I think people who drive Maseratis are snobs... hmmm... time for a new car:



I still like to drive fast - safely :-). I drop the top on my car, speed up and scream "woohoo!!!" as I race onto the freeway. But then often put the cruise control on and stay in the right lane. I'm annoyed by those who drive in the left while people pass them on the right. I am reminded every time I am following someone close (by advice from my step-father) to back the "f" up. ;-)

I love my mom's Swedish pancakes. But as much as I try to make them the way she does, they never taste as good as hers. I like chocolate chips in regular pancakes, but only a few and they have to be put in at the right time so they melt a little but not too much.

I am still learning who Andrew is. more to come.

Loving ME

I wrote a blog a couple months ago called "Loser. " This blog was in response to my then recent breakup with Austin and my unsuccessful 2 1/2 year attempt to become an Agent with the FBI.

The month of May wasn't good for me, to say the least. Therefore when June came rolling around I decided to be honest and tell those who read this blog (and document for myself to look back on one day) how I felt about "losing" in two big areas of life - love and career.

However, the other day my boss and I were chatting over some appetizers and drinks (non-alcoholic) and we joked about my Facebook profile (mainly my naked picture as the profile pic) and discussed my blog. He said that he has read some of the blogs and so I asked him, "Did you read the blog titled "Loser?"

I was really concerned for a moment that he had read it. I do understand that I post these blogs in a public medium (the Internet) and therefore anyone can read them. Some people have said, "some things are better left private." And perhaps for them they are... however, I am much different. I like to simply be as real as possible with how I am feeling at any given point of time, write about those feelings and share them with others. I also feel like when I put things "out there" they don't have a control over me anymore. That is where I am coming from - but I respect that others don't choose to be as public as I am.

However, I still felt awkward about my boss reading it. Thankfully he said that he didn't think he read that one. I told him that basically I was feeling sad about the breakup with Austin and I and not being successful with the FBI (which he was happy about :-)) and simply felt like a loser and stated that - in a few more words than that!

His response, "Why don't you write a blog titled 'winner?'" He got me!!!! Great response.

I love the idea of being real with what ever feeling I am having at the time that I am having that feeling. This is a process that is helping me listen to the essence that makes up Andrew. It is also helping me get in touch with my gut.

However, I think I went overboard (or dramatically to one side of the picture) by writing such a long, detailed blog about how I felt like a loser, while rarely putting as much focus on the times I feel like a winner. I recognize that feelings come in all types... so if I truly want to be real with my feelings I shouldn't just focus on those that arise when I'm down and out, I should focus on each one (positive or negative) as I experience that particular feeling.

Like I have said before, when I feel sad, I want to acknowledge that and cry if needed. When I feel happy, I want to laugh. When I feel anything... I want to be real with that feeling. Simple right? Not always evidently.

I also know that I have this desire to fight the way things seem to be in the world. I see that people all too often "put on a face," (as one of my former bosses said) before approaching the world.

For gods sake, I mean, what would happen if someone saw sadness in your eyes?

I think I was so concerned with making sure that I pulled out every bit of sadness, every bit of loneliness, every bit of feeling like a loser, because people often don't in our society, that I forgot... sometimes I feel great! Sometimes I feel successful. Sometimes... I really do feel like a winner. And... when I do... I should write about those times as well and give them the detail and attention they deserve.

As I'm writing this blog I'm not sure if I will call it "winner," "loving me..." "ME time", or what. I do know that I feel great with the time I have been taking during the last month or two which I call ME time.

I have actually scheduled time in my calendar just for me. I figured: I schedule time for appointments and time to hang out with friends... shouldn't I be the most important person in my life - YES - so I should schedule time for me as well. At first it was like one day a week... that quickly increased to about three times per week... now I just try and get as much time in the week as possible for ME (this is a good time for some solitude and getting to know me).

Wednesday is my favorite time to have ME Time. I typically have a chiropractor appointment immediately followed by a massage, run or do some light workout, come home and turn off my phone and computer (I may answer emails real quick), read and write (today is Wednesday and here I am writing), take a bath and just listen to some good tunes. My favorite song in the evening, "At Last," by Etta James. Take a moment to enjoy it:

I was also thinking today how previously I have written lists down with regards to who I saw as a good partner for myself. I know right now I want to build relationships that are solely friendships and focus on that. At the same time I want to continue understanding Andrew. While I was thinking about this, I thought "why not create a list for what I want in myself?"

I was reading a book the other day that spoke about discovering oneself. It said something to the effect of how some people go around like they are incomplete circles (they called it a "C") and they seek out another incomplete circle (the other side of the "C") to, as Jerry Maguire would say, "complete them." What I have said several times is that I want to be 100% me, prior to jumping into a partnership. I want to complete ME first, not seek out another incomplete individual to be a whole man.

What does this mean though?

There are two things I want to look at with regards to this. 1) Does saying I complete myself, prior to being with someone, mean my partner and I will be exactly alike? You know what... if I could find someone as beautiful, special and simply brilliant as me... that'd be great! (smile - god I love me!) Seriously though, I will answer that in a second. 2) What does being 100% mean? What does it look like? Just like when I wrote out my lists of things I wanted in a desired partner... what are the things I want and desire in a 100% Andrew?

First of all, I don't believe that when I complete myself I will need to be with someone who does everything I do, hangs on my hip, is my mirror image in all different areas of life. No. I believe it means that I will be comfortable in my own skin, in my own space, in my own life with my own friends and be at peace - as this other man will be living with peace himself.

And when I say living with peace, I mean peace at all times (this is my desire). It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes (author unknown):

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Prior to this though, now is the time for ME! For me finding what Andrew wants. What does being 100% mean and look like?

I want to write a bullet point list for this because 1) I like bullet point lists and 2) I like things to be organized :-)

Things I seek to improve on or change in myself to be clearer about who I am and be me (in no particular order):

• Get back into the frame of mind of making and setting goals for myself - like I started to do in my last post "Goals."



• Continue spending at least one full evening a week after work alone - time for me.



• Get back into jigsaw puzzles. This is one of my favorite things to do and I just kind of got out of it the last year or so. I already pulled out one of my previously done puzzles (I do them over and over until I'm tired of them) and started it again. Not one of the largest I've completed (2000 pieces) but it's one of my favorites, here is a picture of it previously completed:

• Find more success with my current work environment and connect more with the clients I work with. Also, build stronger bonds with the people I connect with in the community.



• Work out just a bit more. I was just telling a friend today on Facebook how I've come a long ways toward loving my body more. I do feel like there are some improvements I can fine tune, but for the most part I really do love the physical form I am temporarily inhabiting. What I would like to improve on are my arms (more pull ups and joining my friends who rock climb will help), a bit tighter on the abs (sprints always helped this area in the Army - doing some sprints with my jogs may help - as well as the awful *I mean wonderful* ab class at 24 hour fitness - damn, those girls in there kick my A$$!) and my legs a bit (I love my legs, just some more upper leg work to tighten them up). As far as my weight though, when I was diagnosed with AIDS about 5 years ago I lost 15-20 pounds (mostly in my rear end ;-)) and I've gained that back, plus a little more (yes... back in my buttock!) Weight is really great where it is right now.



• Cooking for myself!!! And frankly, inviting friends over for meals. I really enjoy cooking and do cook some pretty good meals - if I may say so myself (and I may). I cook about 3 times a week right now and make enough for leftovers. 3 - 4 times a week is good for me. I still like to go out to eat periodically (The Kingfish Cafe is still my favorite place to dine out but Boom Noodle is a close second). I like to get ideas for cooking from magazines, friends and my step-father.



• Take one college level class. I really enjoy school and formal learning. I love the idea of counseling and have wanted to, for some time now, take some courses in communication and psychology - I will pursue taking one a quarter.



• Write my book. Doesn't mean I need to be complete with my book to be 100% ME... just start. I have realized that I LOVE to write (imagine that) and I have told people before "someone needs to write a good love story between two men." I was just thinking the other day, after the passing of E. Lynn Harris (my favorite author who wrote love stories between men) that I would love to write stories like him. Then a friend of mine told me just a couple days ago, after reading my QFC blog, how my writing reminds him of E. Lynn Harris. First of all, very few people even know E. Lynn Harris and second, I was just thinking how I wanted to write like him and here was this random compliment. I definitely appreciated it and want to pursue writing a book. I have no idea how I'm going to do it... but I figure I'll just start with the scenes I already have rolling around in my head. After writing those out perhaps more will come. You have to start somewhere right?



• Volunteer more. I am very excited about transitioning as a Big Brother from the school based program to community based (so I can take my Little Brother out and about). Also, next week I will be going to the orientation for the Crisis Help-Line, something I have wanted to do for some time. I will explore both of these avenues of volunteering and see if they are where I want to dedicate my time. If I find that one or both are not best for me, I will find other areas to volunteer. I simply think it's important to give back financially (when/if one can afford it) and with time (which is most important).



• Write more often in my personal journal about loving me. What I love about me and on and on and on. I joke with some friends (okay, most of my friends) saying "I LOOOOOOOOOOVE ME." Or... "I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE some Andy!" Or "Here comes LOOOOOOOOOOVER boy!" Or something to this effect - you get the picture. The thing is, is that I really do love things about me however, I just love saying this to people because it throws them off. What I want to do to show myself what I love about ME is to write those things down when they come to mind and express true love for myself.

That leads me to the next section. Writing about loving me...

When my boss said I should write a blog titled "winner" I responded by saying, "yeah, that's a good idea. I'll write out the accomplishments I've made and how great I think they are."

"No," he quickly responded. "That's not what I meant. You should write about what you like about yourself."

"What???" my mind reacted and face crunched up, to convey a confused look from my initial hesitation. Why would I do something like that? That's just silly and self-centered.

But you know what... if we don't take care of ourselves and acknowledge to ourselves what we love about the person we see in the mirror, then what's the point of being. Also... if I can't be clear and straight (ha ha ha - too easy) with expressing the love I have for Andrew and presenting that, then how can I expect others (friends, family, co-workers, cute QFC boys, and yes partners) to love me.

As Iyanla Vanzant states in one of my favorite books, "In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want:"

Love is the only thing we need. Love is our peace. Love is our joy, health and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realizing that we must bring love with us.

I will bring love with me when I understand what I love about Andrew first. That process continues now with expressing the love I have for myself. Also, for those who I currently have around me (friends and family) I can build stronger relationships with them through that love. Through this whole expression of love, toward myself and the world I explore in front of me, I will soon reveal the answer to the ultimate question I have, "who am I?"

To conclude, what do I see that I love about me right now?

I love that I connect well with people. I was concerned about this one in my work environment. It's funny, the day I was concerned about this and was thinking "I wish I connected more with people," I randomly (if things are really random) ran into this lady in the parking lot of a doctors office and she asked me a question, I responded and we chatted for about 15 minutes about Lifelong AIDS Alliance, me living with HIV, how she wants to volunteer, how she was going to hang a poster at my request for the upcoming AIDS Walk in her husband's business, etc. We just started chatting and, obviously, connected.

I love that I have a drive within me to better myself. I want to keep the part of me that is being hard on myself in check. However, I love that I desire to perfect this imperfect individual Andrew.

I love that I seek to have healthy relationships in my life and have drastically improved my communication skills with friends, family, co-workers and as Austin and I saw - with lovers as well.

I love the silence that I often enjoy. This is an extension of my meditation practice.

I love love. Maybe I'm in love with love... as Jack from Will & Grace would say :-)

Love seems to be an appropriate place to end this entry. Now, more time for me, off to my reading. In the future, expect more blog entries about love, about growth, and about revealing the essence of this man named Andrew.

Goals

I used to be very goal-orientated and lately I realized I kind of feel out of that habit of writing out my goals. Therefore I wanted to post a simple blog setting my intentions for my future and stating those goals I have.

Financially:

1) All loans paid in full --> Two mortgages, HELOC, and student loan. (yes, I realize this will take some time... but it's my intention to have them all free and clear).

2) Earn $50,000/year for my daily expenses, travel (which I want to do more of) and big expense items (like when I get a new car). Once #1 is fulfilled then anything I earn over $50,000 I will donate to a cause that I believe is improving the lives of others, the planet or society in general.

3) New car. One which is more fuel efficient. Since my car hasn't been the most dependable lately, and has been in the shop several times in the last month (see blog "A Hote Date...") it's getting close to time for a new car. I'm just the kind of guy that likes to use my cars (and most things really) until they are completely dead. Like my Geo Metro. I had it for 7 years. I finally sold it for $500 when the axle came completely off (in the middle of the street). :-) Now that's when you know you need a new car!


Family:

1) Have one or two children. I have already started a savings account for my first child (something a friend of mine did and I thought it was a great idea). I'm happy to date someone with kids already, have my own as a single man or adopt when I'm with a loving partner.

2) A loving partner. Right now is a great time for ME. I am loving reading, writing, cooking, spending time with friends... just enjoying life. In time I will write a blog about what I seek in a relationship - after I take this much needed solo time - and will have much more to add at that point.

3) A healthy communication between my family members right now.


Andrew:

1) Meditation. Spending more time in silence, simply laying on my coach and observing the trees outside my window blowing back and forth with the window is very peaceful. Having my eyes closed and felling the peace move inside is comforting as well.

2) Love. I speak often of having a loving connection with family and friends... I think it's about time to write a blog (soon to come) about loving myself. What do I love about myself? Explore loving me more.

3) Cooking. I enjoy cooking for myself and friends. I will continue exploring recipes and do more of it. Going to cook Chili Chicken Skewers with Chunky Banana Sweet Potato Mash (second time and loved it before!) for lunch.

Friends:

1) Focus on the people I consider friends now and spend more time listening to them and getting to know the little things about what makes them tick (not tic) and appreciate the areas where we click... make note of that one Nick! (good catch).

2) LOVE. Okay... this goes without saying in the family section, but with family I think it's important to express love more between my current family members and the family I see having in my future. However, I think love with friends is often missed. I enjoy joking around, laughing at and with, being lighthearted... but I see myself focusing more on pure and simple love toward those people I call friend. This will come across through healthy communication, appreciation for their friendship and expression of gratitude.


Writing:

1) Write a book. Perhaps a love story. Already started this one... just fear, writers block (yes... I've experienced writers block - it's when that damn cute boy's checking me out across the way in the coffee shop and I lose all train of thought when writing) and simply not sitting down to do it. That all changes now. I started one and will continue plugging away at it one piece at a time.

2) Have fun with my writing... I enjoy it because I, well, enjoy it. For example, when I was writing the details of my fantasy sexual encounter with the QFC boy (click here for blog) I was laying in my bed, had to go pee but couldn't stop writing and was rolling around doing the pee pee dance laying down because it was so much fun (the writing, not having to go pee) but finally stopped to use the bathroom and then came back and jumped right back into it (washed my hands first). The fact that I was so into it proves to me that writing is something I should do more of.


Career:

1) When I find an area of concern in my current job at MOMS Pharmacy I will see how I can make that situation better by consulting my boss and co-workers. I feel like I have the ability to be honest and open with my boss... which helps a great deal.

2) One of my big goals with this job is to inform every person in Washington State, who is living with HIV, about our services. I believe it's important for people living with this messed up virus to know that there is an HIV speciality pharmacy (with great people) where they can come and discuss medication adherence, know they will get their meds immediately and feel comfortable and welcomed.


More goals will come in time. This is a good start.

Hunk Du Jour

During the last Gay Bingo of this season, with a theme of Adam and Steve's Big Gay Wedding, I wore this costume:

A simple bow tie and slacks. To say the least I was called up on stage in front of 800 mostly gay men being the victim of whistling and the boys undressing the rest of me with their eyes! Hmmm.... perhaps "victim" isn't the right word.

Anyways, I was walking around and met Chris, my new friend from Hunk Du Jour. It's a site Chris created for pictures, interviews and "hunk of the day" postings of men. He told me that he wanted to interview and photograph someone locally... asked me to do it and I said yes. In fact, this was my first paid modeling gig! YAY!

Click here for the article.

You can check out my Picasa Photo page for the rest of the pictures too. Click on Hunk Du Jour photos.

You can see more of Matthew Browning's (our photographer and mutual friend) pictures by clicking here.

Thanks Matt and Chris! It was fun.

QFC on Broadway - An encounter to remember

Yesterday was a busy day.

I started my work day at around 9am, as I typically do, and went to the pharmacy before heading out to some doctors offices on the East Side. Prior to heading across the bridge I stopped by the QFC on Broadway to grab some things and see if they had any interesting journal books - as I just finished the last page in my previous journal the night before.

I knew I would be treating myself out to lunch today, because I figured it would be a busy day, but also I had some things on my mind that I figured I would write about during my solo lunch.

The main thing that I wanted to jot down are notes about this process I am going through right now with spending a lot of time with myself. I am loving getting to know me and silencing the mind often enough to listen to everything else. I wanted to write about being an observer of myself and the world. I realized that if I were to slow down in life and be aware of the details of the often forgotten routine things throughout the day, then I would be a step closer to seeing the world, and myself in it, as it all actually is.

I was telling a friend of mine the other day, I feel like I see men as sexual objects (at least the cute ones ;-))... but sometimes nothing more than this. That's not what I want.

I want to have a platonic connection prior to sex being introduced to the picture. I simply want more. Falling for a guy because he's hot, then trying to build off of that, has got to go. Observing another man's beauty (which I am seeing so much beauty in men lately) is where I want my focus to be first. Simply observing.

Since Austin and I broke up I have had several situations where men have wanted to have sex with me. I know that others find me attractive, but I think it's also that I am giving off this vibe of having a strong sexual desire right now or something. I'm not quite sure. I do love sex... don't get me wrong. But having sex with someone whom I have an emotional, and perhaps spiritual, connection with first is what I desire because I want the entire package.

What I realize I want is a strong partnership and in order to have that I do realize, now more than ever, that I have to be a strong individual first. I have to be 100%, to be whole, not a half looking for someone to "complete me." I desire a powerful relationship in love, business, family, life, all of it... and yes, a flow that works well for the two of us sexually.

Then the question is, how do I get to this 100% of myself? I don't know that I have the answer to this right now, but I feel like spending more quality time with myself and avoiding sexual encounters with other men, as this may distract from my goal, is a great beginning.

Now... speaking of sexual encounters with other men.

Like I said, I was on my way over to the East Side (Bellevue) when I first made a "quick" stop at QFC on Broadway. I went in the back entrance, by the library, and with a quick pace made my walk half way through the upper section of the grocery store.

I looked up aisle 5, not what I needed... made my way to aisle 4, looked up and didn't see what I was looking for... started to make my way to aisle 3 when the cute QFC worker caught my eye halfway down aisle 4.

I froze for a moment, took one step back, and then made my way toward him. No harm yet, right? After all, he's an employee there and I was seeking sex... I mean... uhhhh, a journal book. ;-)

I asked him where the journals were but before he answered we just stood there starring in each other's eyes. The intensity in his eyes told me that he didn't hear a word I muttered as he undressed me from head to toe.

"I beg your pardon Sir..." how dare he undress me with his eyes. Right???

Although, I was just as guilty.

I was observing the world like I desired. Observed his soft innocent face punctured by three piercings in his eyebrows and nose - nothing distracting or unattractive, just enough to show the world he has some adventurous spunk in his young life. A boyish look of a young man no more than 25, but probably barely 21. 5' 9". Now a slight blush filled in his dimpled cheeks.

He dropped what he was doing, putting things on the shelves, left his half empty box in the middle of the aisle and led me to what I thought was going to be the aisle for the journal books. Hmmmm... yeah... journal books... that was the last thing on my mind - as well as his.

He looked both ways when coming to the end of the aisle, as if checking to ensure the area was clear, and brought me to the northeast section of the building - just about 50 paces away. I saw him heading toward some double doors. The one on the right read "CAUTION: Swinging doors" and "Employees Only" on the left door. It all happened so quick that my logical reasoning couldn't intervene to stop me - not that I would have allowed it.

With a crack in between the two doors he pushed backward through them after turning around toward me and playfully grabbing my hands. There we were, in the storage area of the QFC.

My eyes conducted a quick surveillance of the area - nobody around, thankfully.

I followed my new buddy through a maze of stacked boxes and past what appeared to be a large freezer on the left side. Around the back, another left and then we found ourselves in what I deemed his secret corner. A fairly dark section, hidden away from view and secluded from the sound or presence of anyone else.

Now he slowed his moves. He stepped back toward the cement wall as his beautiful hazel eyes drew me closer. I scanned his body, from top to bottom and back up again. My hormones were racing as I wanted to strip his clothes from his body and take him right there on top of the vegetable boxes. Patience was required, as I didn't want to rush a quick sexual encounter with this beautiful young man in front of me.

I took my final few steps toward him, as our eyes remained locked on each other. Inches from his body, from my waist up I bent over forward and with my right hand behind his head, brought his mouth to mine. I sucked the life out of him with that simple, yet intense, kiss consisting of nothing more than moist lips exploring each other. I pulled myself off as he took a sigh of relief and his body sank the last few inches back to the wall which held him up.

Rather than bending down to compensate for his slightly shorter figure, I brought both hands to the sides of his waist, stepped forward and simultaneously lifted him up and pinned his 155 pounds against the wall.

My biceps, forearms and entire upper body used all of their muscles to slowly slide him up this wall, into position, as our lips found each other again. He wrapped his right leg around my body, just above my hips, immediately followed by his left leg. The two locked around my body with one tight grip that his lower half engaged in. As my left hand grabbed his ass to keep him in place I felt the firmness flow in with the grip of his legs and then out when he relaxed back against the wall.

My desire to be inside of him thrust my clothed midsection up and forward into his inviting self. This helped to secure him in place as we both let out an uncontrollable moan.

We continued to massage each other's lips with our own. Each time my pelvic region would pull back my upper body tightened to keep him in place and then released the grip with my hands around his waist when my lower section would thrust forward. This methodical movement flowed back and forth with the caressing of our hands and continued kissing.

My body remained inseparable from his as I moved from his mouth to the soft skin of his face and continuing to his ears. I engulfed his entire right ear with my mouth and circled the outline of his ear with my tongue. creating a juicy, wet surface that my lips now could slide around.

His head slowly falls back to rest against the wall, letting himself go as a louder moan escapes the controlling grip of his mind.

A sound can be heard in the distance but neither of us pays attention to anything more than our sexual desire to have each other.

I leave his ear wet with pleasure as my tongue and lips crawl at a snails pace toward his neck.

As the thrust from my hips builds stronger my underwear becomes slightly wet from my desire to be inside of him. The fantasy of carefully entering him plays in my mind as my mouth aggressively sucks his naturally scented skin in his obviously sensitive neck region. A pattern of moans, in between fits of heavy breathing, are released.

My mouth creates a suction on his lower right neck area. His skin balloons out, into my mouth. My teeth glide apart and across his tasty body. With a good inch or so of his soft peach surface in the grasps of my bite, I cock my head, pull back a bit and keep the secure suction, pushing it in and out with the force of my tongue. The face of my teeth slide down the now moist skin in the grip of my lips. Just prior to their closure a muffled moan is now heard from me as I take a deep breath in and my entire mouth gives into its thirst for more of him inside of me.

My hips now fully forward so my hands could untuck the work shirt from his jeans. Holding myself back from shredding each article of clothing from his body. My rock hard spear of ecsasy, wanting to expose his lower section for our combined sexual gratification, had to wait.

With my hips still forward, and his body secured against the wall, my torso rolled back. His head fell to the right side in exhausted pleasure but seeking more of my mouth. His eyes remained closed, as I imagined they were during the journey my lips made from mouth to neck.

With both of us breathing hard I cupped his fallen head with my fully spread left hand and brought his head back upright. My right hand, now on his left butt cheek, was fully grasping as my arm tightened and muscles became defined in an attempt to keep his body up and against the wall.

His head returned to its upright position and his eyelids, weighted from a near orgasmic response from our short encounter thus far, pulled apart to reveal his vulnerable eyes. The normal barrier created within the pupil to protect ones heart from being taken advantage of was no longer in place. His stare pulled my gaze into the depths of his self. Without words directing me, he told me not to stop, he wanted more.

I tilted my head slightly to the side as I came forward. Our eyes remained locked on each other as this seductive trance pulled me into his powerful vulnerability. Knowing I wasn't going to harm any part of his body, soul or heart, our eyelids remained spread and we passionately connected our lips as any remaining tension released to the kind and gentle grasp I had on him.

I brought my head back, gazed down to his white buttoned up shirt, a part of his uniform that I wanted off of his body. Conveniently, with no t-shirt underneath, I was able to reveal more and more of his glowing skin with each button undone. One at a time I use my free left hand to work the buttons from their grip and the shirt apart. I flick the left part of his shirt away and then the right and expose his smooth slightly protruding chest, his quarter sized pink luscious nipples whose hardness was previously penetrating the white business shirt, his tight rolling abs and love trail from belly button to beneath his jeans.

I take a deep breath in and then out, just taking in the beauty of this young man in my arms. I felt his buttock tighten briefly and then his body slipped deeper into my front midsection which still held him against the wall. His body sank only about an inch but it felt like more of a dramatic change as he let go of any remaining control.

I couldn't stop there. I wanted more of him. I couldn't resist his innocent, yet demanding demeanor that wanted more of me as well.

He quickly worked the buttons of my dress shirt, which should have reminded me of the work I had to complete during this busy day. But that thought didn't even cross my mind as my mouth found it's rightful place back where the vigorous play left off - his neck.

However, now feeling our skin touching each other my throbbing sex organ knew what my mouth wanted. My goal was set and I started to make my way south to the destination.

His impatient moaning increased in frequency, length and tone. He knew where I was headed and his desire to have me please him couldn't resist the outburst of his vocal call for more.

My tongue created a wet line from neck down to chest as I simultaneously lifted his body further up. I paused for a moment to take his hard nipple into my mouth as his hands caressed my shaved head and slightly pulled it into place. I followed his lead and sucked harder on his nipple as his moan changed to a quick burst of pleasure indicating I discovered an extremely sensitive area.

I followed the shape of his chest to the indent in the middle of his naked upper half. There my lips felt his heart pounding outward from the chest cavity vibrating beneath the skin.

My thoughts of taking in the prize I sought kept me going through this point by point game of needing to experience each section of his body before more of him is exposed to my animalistic drive to engulf this young man.

I sped through the route, in order to cover more ground and not make myself wait too long. I zigzagged just below his chest and through the curves that defined his abs. His heavy breathing quickly brought his stomach out with a slight tough roundness and then collapsed back in, to expose the stomach only an early 20 something year old could have.

My arms needed to change position, to bring his body further up. My right arm slide under his left leg and then my left under his right. With his body sliding up I was in reach of my objective. My biceps, forearms and even back muscles gathered all of their masculine strength to keep him in place. His legs now stacked over my shoulders help secure him in the position I needed.

Another sound in the distance, this time a little louder but still lost to our immediate acknowledgement. Footsteps are what were clearly heard by the mind but indistinguishable through the bubble our passionate lust created around our two entwined structures.

His hands raced from massaging my hair to his jeans as my head pulled back and watched. He rapidly unbuttoned the top of this inconvenient barrier. With no patience remaining, left hand on the left flap and right on the right, he pulled the two apart without touching the zipper. His bulge was slightly angled but ready to be released. His tight blue CK briefs were going to be no match against my goal-driven arousal. But he was in charge of preparing himself for my arrival.

Both of his hands slide down from his abs, on either side of his light colored trail that led to our mutual destination. His stomach is sucked in as he lifts the hands now nearly fully beneath his CKs. He separates the briefs from their formed grip around his beautifully lined midsection. Pulling them down now, in a frame by frame scene unfolding in front of me, my mouth waters in preparation for having him inside of me.

His trail now opens up to a mess of trimmed light brown hair and his bulge ready to be released, as a different, now clearer sound emerges.

"Hello..." the voice says.

"Excuse me," it repeats.

I snap to and there I stood, as erect as my body posture, still on aisle 4 with the cute QFC boy directly in front of me. His look now shifted from the previous seductive stare I wasn't even sure was ever there to one of a confused wonderment.

His eyes shift left and right as he took a step toward me and, probably now for the third time, said, "Did you hear me? The journals are with stationary on aisle 2."

"Oh..." I quickly realized my fantasy was, well just that, a fantasy quickly played out in my mind.
"Thanks," I said as I walked shamelessly down to aisle 2 for the journals, paid through the self-check out and headed out to finish my busy day of work and yes, I had much to write about in my new journal during my much appreciated lunch break.